10:00am

hi, i'm zette, i hate myself. what do you hate?

thinspo:

or:

skinny on the left, average on the right. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

1:30pm

i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat!

thinspo:

or:

matching outfits. you know the drill. the girl on the right is darling. stay strong today, lovelies, so that you can be darling, too.

xoxo

zette

10:45am

i really like when people comment on my blog just to let me know they read it. i also like when people laugh at my heartlessness on my "or" pictures. i also like that apparently the photos that help me, help you, too. strangers from all over with completely different lives coming together because we have this one little thing in common. once in a while you come across a blog or an article on why&how to get rid of pro ana communities. right. like kicking us off the web would make everything rainbows&unicorns. we'd still do it. we just wouldn't do it as well. so for the emails i've been getting, fuck off. freedom of speech, bitches. to those of you who support me, thank you. it means a lot.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny is in orange. the others are...ehh. check the belly on the chick in purple. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. to answer your question haley yes, a couple of people know about my eating habits but only what i've told them&what they've observed. i don't like talking about it because then they'll think "then why aren't you skinny?"

p.p.s. i love that third thinspo photo. that girl is beautiful, even more so because it looks like a beauty she has to work for.

11:57am

my sister&my niece just left. time for school. had soup&crackers for breakfast. a rice cake for lunch. black coffee now with 25cals of sugar. i don't usually add sugar. but i did today. i slept pretty well last night. only woke up once. called my friend a few times, decided i should quit being annoying, she called me back, we talked, i fell asleep again. but i woke up grumpy. i'm filling out applications online. i chose to save&quit, but it submitted it. so it skipped a lot of things. like the hours i'm available&my education. i fucking hate online applications. i'll return emails tomorrow. i'm bitchy today.

while i'm bitchy anyway though, let's clear something up. i hate my face. i hate it because i have acne, though not much, plus clean&clear is helping that a lot. i have braces for another year. i sometimes have to wear my glasses. my wide eyes, full eyebrows, fat lips, big nose, &native american cheekbones (which i get from my grandmother) are all too big for my small head. that is why i don't take compliments seriously. don't get all pissy when i ignore comments like "you have amazing eyes" or "i love your angelina jolie lips" or "i wish i had high cheekbones like that". i'm not trying to be rude. i just don't share those opinions. i hate my body. a certain friend of mine tells me constantly that i'm tiny, emphasized by fitting her hands around my waist or poking my 'little' legs. they're not little. please stop poking the fat. get your hands off my torso, i don't like to be touched. don't grab my flabby arms. don't put your fingers between my giant ribs when you hug me&then tell me i'm bony. i don't appreciate it. i have days when i won't let anyone touch me. people get so offended. how dare i refuse to hug you, i guess. really? go fuck yourself. dammit, i told you i'm grumpy today. but i'm making the thinspo bigger because i love today's photos.

thinspo:

or:

first, the skinny is in the middle. second, white jeans are scary. you have to be small to look good in them. if you're not, you have to wear a long shirt to look okay in them. otherwise you look ginormosaurus. isn't that a great word? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i can't find my hula hoop. the world is coming to an end. &if you're going to get one, try it out in the store. of course you'll look silly. but it's worth it if you like them.

9:56am

okay, i've been sleeping on the couch because my mother is painting two walls in my room so everything is on my bed&the furniture is not where it ought to be. so i left my door shut all night&it's freezing in here. when i was a bit trashed one evening i told my friends "jack frost jacked off. it's cold in here." so a big group of my buddies&i use the phrase now when we're chilly. it makes me smile. anyway, cold room. perfect for working out. &since there are new episodes of 3 shows i follow on hulu (house, pretty little liars, the biggest loser) i'll have three long excuses to be in here to work out.
if you don't have a hula hoop, go get one. they're cheap&they strengthen your torso. it's a good exercise to get your heart rate up so you're ready for the rest of your workout. i sound like a commercial. but i really like hula hooping, even though for the first week or so i felt silly doing it. have i convinced you yet? oh well, i tried.

i just woke up an hour or so ago&had coffee for breakfast. mmm, black coffee. i'll have a rice cake as an apology to my stomach, then time for exercise. already did 150 of my 200 morning crunches. anyway, on to the pretty pictures.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny in the orange is darling. the whale to the right is....not. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. when i watch the biggest loser it just makes me love jillian michaels even more.

12:39pm

spent the morning going in stores to ask "hi, are you hiring? or taking applications?" then they'd answer&regardless of their answer i'd smile&say "okay, thank you so much, have a great day". i hit my knee on my sister's car door&limped around for ten minutes or so. it still hurts. i'll let you know what color the bruise is. anyway, petco&ross&dots fashions are hiring. i'm fine with working at any of them. i just won't work at a restaurant. i don't want to work around food. at one clothing store i went in to ask, the store manager told me they're not hiring but she gave me an application&asked about my availability. so...maybe? anyway, i'll spend my afternoon at starbucks doing homework&filling out job applications. cheers.

thinspo:

or:

what have we said about matching? only if you look the best in it. the girl on the left is darling. the girl on the right is average but on her way to the middle girl's category: fat. stay strong today, lovelies. you don't have to be big.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, i clean the cuts on the bottom of my feet every day&i never go barefoot. also, stop emailing me please why i need to take care of myself. i'm fine. i'm still relatively healthy, there's no reason to worry about me.

10:30am

i've got to keep my ass out of bed after running. i tend to get up at 5:20am, stretch, run&get back home by 6:30am, then go back to bed&sleep. it makes me feel lazy. also, ran across this quote today&i like it quite a bit.

"I have enough things on my plate today so I don't have to worry about food not being on it." - Thinspodiary

i'll just have to keep myself busy enough that my stomach growling is drowned out. anyway, i'm looking at places around town to work at because tomorrow morning my older sister is taking me to grab applications at a few places. i really don't want to. at all. i want to be lazy&alone. but i should grow up. so i will.

intake yesterday was 95 until my mother&i went to target to get cotton balls&shampoo. then afterward she was 'starving' (the quotation marks because she weighs about 250lbs) so we went to a mexican restaurant. i got spinach quesadillas. took my time nibbling, &even put two of the pieces in the napkin in my lap. that way when i got up, i could slip it into my hoodie pocket to trash in the bathroom before i purged.

the best things ever to keep in your purse are wisps. the little on-the-go toothbrushes. a brush on one side with something minty in the middle, &a pick on the other side which is good for braces. good for after eating&great for after purging. i suggest you go get some. i buy them at dollar tree. i'm rambling again. oops.

thinspo:

or:

she's so tall&thin in tan. the other girl is so...blah. looks like her date didn't even dress up for her, really. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm a hypocrite for putting that as my last p.s., i'm disappointed in myself. my new red flats have dark red blotches on the inside. i wouldn't have started cutting if i'd known it would still be this addicting 5 years later. on a more cheery note, i took photos of surprise doing what she does best. it was cold, thus the shirt. but she's the best running buddy i could ask for.

11:32am

"perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away." -antoine de saint-exupéry

 

carrot juice for breakfast-70, which technically leaves me 530 for the rest of the day. but i'll be seeing my friend tomorrow that i haven't seen in a month or so, so i'm nervous. going running tonight for sure. it'll be late though, so it might only be an hour or so. but i'll take it. i'm just happy to be feeling better. i have a headache, but i took ibuprofen so maybe it'll go away soon. i'm about to take surprise to the park. i close the gate to the baseball diamond&let her run around as fast as she can. little creature is pretty fast. this is surprise, in case you're confused.

she's an italian greyhound, which is like a miniature greyhound. some people think she looks like a rat. i disagree. whatever. on to the good stuff.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny is the blonde in the black dress, hiding a bit behind the whale in the leopard print dress. animal print rarely looks good. be careful with it. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you're someone who cuts, don't do it today. if you're someone who doesn't, don't ever, ever start.

11:57am

so...news...finally feeling better, tangerine for breakfast, my kitten spinny just crawled in my window, i got rawhide sticks yesterday&surprise loves them. lexi that's totally creepy but it made me laugh so thanks for that. you're all darling for telling me my sick face is pretty. &for a piece of honesty, i'm nervous because the more weight i lose the more my super high cheekbones stick out&i don't like them anymore. i did for a little while. ugh. what is it in me that requires me to hate myself? oh well.

also, i guess i was forgiven for slacking off because i'm down one pound. not taking it for granted though. i'm going running as soon as my mother leaves for work. cheers for running. i almost always run in the black pants i got with my sister at target. i got small&she got medium. i didn't notice til we got home. we have the same length legs so maybe she's finally getting a butt. she's always been so flat. &i've always been so jealous. anyway, on to the good stuff.

thinspo:

or:

we've all done this once or twice, don't lie. okay on first glance, the girl on the left looks thinnish. but look at that thigh. big thighs, small calves. the girl in the buggy (or cart, or whatever you happen to call it) is tiny. she's perfect. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. it's about 30 degrees here&it's sunny. no excuse to skip running. anyone else run outside or are you all treadmill dwellers?

4:38pm

woke up a few minutes before noon today. ughh. my head is hot, my body is cold. but no fever, i checked. my head is heavy&aching which just adds to my dizziness. &my mother just shouted from the back door reminding me to be productive while she's gone. fuck my life. i haven't weighed myself today. i just got up to update&post thinspo&then i'm going back to bed. screw being productive, i've done 300 crunches&i'm going running tonight&that's all. may the ana gods forgive me for being a slacker.

thinspo:

or:

okay obviously the skinny is on the left today. the girl on the right is in the group i call "average". she's not unhealthily overweight. but she's not half as darling as her friend. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this is my best friend today. i've been drinking tons of juice. i have makeup on because i had to run some errands but the dark circles under my eyes are relentless.

10:13am

wtf? monday i woke up feeling like i got hit by a car. tuesday i woke up feeling a bit better. then i wake up today feeling like a hit&run victim again? oh, &my mother is super considerate. she came in my room to let me know she's leaving for the day. cool. i sat up&told her i feel like crap. so she leaves a package of decongestants or whatever. cool. then she picks up my violin, tightens it, &starts screeching out notes. if you've heard someone try to violin when they can't, you're prolly already cringing. so i told her verbatim "my head hurts. please stop playing that." so she gave me a dirty look, shut my door halfway, &continued. whatever is giving me this headache didn't appreciate it. long story short, i feel like shit&apparently refuse today to be grateful for the things i have. ugh. whatever.

oh, except i'm way happy that i have you little misses. when i have a good day you cheer me on&when i have a bad day you shove in my face all the positive things&tell me it'll be okay. sometimes you even throw back my own advice, like "don't beat yourself up about it" or "the thing about gaining weight is that you can always lose it again". thanks for everything. 

ew that sounds like a goodbye speech. swear i'm not leaving. so, on to the important stuff.

thinspo:

or:

awwh, blonde best friends with build-a-bears. how cute. look how little the girl on the right is. now look at her friend. not as little. thin vs. average strikes again. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. since i'm home alone all day, i'll hop back on&leave comments when i'm feeling less dizzy.

12:51pm

putting makeup on. going to leave around 3 to sit at starbucks for a few hours doing homework, then hanging out with friends. hoping my voice sounds normal by then. i'm wishing these dark circles under my eyes away too but they're stubborn. i've slept about 30 of the past 48 hours but i'm tired anyway. fortunately the sun is out today for the first time in a while so i'm feeling a little better inside&out. to those of you who emailed&commented about how amazing i look in that picture, aww pretty little liars. you're sweet. &if you need someone to look up to, i can recommend other bloggers who are doing much better than i am. but you can always stop by for the good stuff like...

thinspo:

or:

cute little sports fans. except for the whale, who has side boobs between her arm&shirt. gross. stay strong today, lovelies. 

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes i know it's rude to go out&spread my germs but it's sunny&i refuse to sit at home&pout. also, does anyone else like fishing? i really want to go fishing but none of my friends are into it. boohoo.