9:00am

hang on, i gotta pee.

okay, much better. weighed myself, too. down 3.2lbs. i love losing weight. i love it. people are noticing that i'm...giddy? of course no one in the real world thinks i need to lose weight. so i cannot tell them why i am happy. so instead, i tell them part of the reason. "my cat, spinny? the one my sister gave me as a kitten? she got hit by a car. so we took her up to the vet to be put down. but it turns out her lip&chin just needed to be sewn back into place. i'm so happy i didn't lose her. she's the best cat ever." okay, you know i love my pets to pieces. but 'almost' losing my kitty doesn't pull me out of depression. you know, that hole i dug myself into when i didn't reply to anyone, didn't smile, didn't have an opinion on any of the intricacies of life? it comes in waves. this one has passed. i'm shrinking. i'm slowly taking up less space. i love this.

or:

i don't want to be anybody's fat friend. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you haven't heard it, go look up maria mena's song "just a little bit". soundtrack to zette's life. really, i've been playing it constantly.

9:48am

i'm tired of maintaining. but i know my body&i know that in a week or so, if i stay at these calories, i will lose. i just can't screw it up. i won't. i know i've put down a goal weight, but in my head every day, my goal is simply to take up less space. i want to shrink away from the things that hurt me&even from the okay things, the things i don't deserve. seems perfectly fair to me. but people are noticing i don't eat. not important people. just people from the retreat. seemed my intake was open commentary there. "i haven't seen you eat yet today." "have you even eaten this weekend?" "haha it took you like five minutes to finish one corn chip." "stop with the crunches already. you're making me feel fat." "dude you have like alien ribs, they're trying to escape." etc. but i did well. so fuck them.

or:

compare her right leg to the leg of whatever creature is on the left. yikes. yes, i know, her left leg is squished wider. but that happens to everyone's legs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. spinny is doing fine. i set her up in the dog crate with food, water, litterbox, bed.

p.p.s. to the email people, i'm still trying to figure out why my email is sending out links to you that go nowhere. scanned my computer for viruses&changed all my passwords&cleaned out my contacts. it should stop now.

9:58am

can i tell you something? well, i'm going to. i feel really good. better than i have in quite a while. i've stayed pretty far under 600cals the past 4 days. spinny is all sewn up&home&currently smelling like cat piss. boo for vet offices. but i wiped her down with a warm cloth&brushed her. only a bit of an improvement. also, i bought my current favorite song on itunes. it's "just a little bit" by maria mena. you've prolly heard it before, "just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, maybe i'd get there"

or:

do you ever see clothes&think, "that would look great if she would drop 10 or 15lbs"? i like that purple shirt, but....yeah. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. spinny looks pretty good. her mouth almost looks normal again. why do cats always look grumpy in photos?

8:46am

so....went to my brother's house yesterday. hung out from 3-10 along with his wife, my sister, her husband, &their 4year old daughter. my shirt from the retreat is a medium&it's huge. at the end of the night, my niece ran to the bathroom&then called for her mommy. so my pregnant sister had to clean her up&put her jeans&panties in a plastic bag&wrap a blanket around her like a skirt. L was really embarrassed. it didn't help that when she sat in her dad's lap he put her down&told her (not very nicely) to go wash her hands. so i went with her. the blanket was falling off&she was all teary&upset. so i took off my t-shirt for her to wear (i tank top underneath, always). she was pretty happy about it&it reached her ankles. we joked about how silly it is to wear her aunt's giant clothes. am i a good aunt? yes, yes i am.

then my mother&i went home. i said hello to surprise&then saw spinny by the couch. she ran away from me&when i caught her i saw that she was bleeding like crazy from her mouth. that usually means an animal got hit by a car&their insides are all messed up. so i was upset. we took her to the emergency vet. the only bad part was waiting in the exam room for the vet to come back&tell us what was going on. i was nervous. very nervous. i like my kitty quite a bit. but then some cheery little miss in scrubs came in&told us that it looks worse than it is. score. they think she did get hit by a car, but that she's lucky. all it did was chip a tooth. oh yeah, &tear her bottom lip&chin off. so it was hanging. thus the blood. so now? she's at the vet to get sewn up&spayed. i'll get her back tomorrow. happy? yes, i am. fat? well, i'm that, too. oops. long post. sorry.

or:

skinnies even look skinny in hoodies. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, my stomach hurts like a motherfucker most of the time.

1:37pm

did i mention that the retreat was a church thing? yeah. lame, but i thought my friends were going (they said they were) so i signed up. let's go over the unimportant things. 

(1) the ranch where we stayed was freezing, &the fat bitch on the bunk above mine kept turning the heat off.

(2) the girl across from me was crazy small, but not underweight. she ate tons. why can't i be built like that?

(3) the boys played silent football last night&A lost so he had to go out&jump in the pond. cold much?

(4) some bitch unplugged my phone so i haven't been able to text the people i was supposed to. sorry.

(5) there was an intense amount of food. everywhere.

(6) saturday night i got left behind&had to call my mother for a ride back to the ranch. tsk tsk.

(7) i hopped on facebook to find that the author of a certain book about anorexia messaged back&said from what i told her, i have an eating disorder. does it take one to know one? i appreciate that she signed off

the important things.

(1) friday's intake was:

mints- 45

coffee- 0

sugar-15

milk- 20

total-80

(2)saturday's intake was:

 6oz juice-90

mints-40

1 tortilla chip-10

total-140

(3)sunday so far:

water-0

diet coke-0

peppermint tea-0

cereal-100

i eat cereal with water instead of milk. or just dry. saves calories. is that weird? also i slacked on crunches because the other girls were joking about it, so i did 105 at night, 55 in the morning.

or:

skinny vs. average. personally i'm not naturally small, but i'm making myself that way. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. add 8oz orange juice-110 to sunday's, was going to run on empty but i feel dizzy&i'm dying to take surprise running.

9:13am

girls with eating disorders are sometimes extremely thin. i am in neither of those categories. so my dream last night sucked. my friend told a youth pastor who told my parents (why was my dad there?) that because of my weight i needed to go somewhere for inpatient treatment. so, okay, i'm thinking fat camp. but it was a rehab. they dragged me into a room to sit alone for a few hours. so naturally, i slapped&kicked the door screaming, "i'm not even skinny" to nobody.

then they came in&forced me to eat. not normal food, like cereal or egg whites or celery or spinach. but a big greasy fast-food burger complete with drippy fries&a milkshake, which wasn't melting because the place was so goddamn cold. i was pissed. they kept telling me i needed to put on some weight before i could see the other patients.

some loony came in to "evaluate" me. to every question asked i would answer, "why am i here? i'm not even skinny." after a while they left me alone, until the next meal, which was the same. then the next. then i woke up. i was relieved to find that my stomach is still flat, sinking in a little when i'm lying down. my fingers are still cold, my rings still fall off them. i stood up to go check myself out in the mirror&all i could say was, "i'm not even skinny." disappointing morning. but i won't have to eat today. only two days of fasting total but i'll take it.

or:

skinny vs. average. whose side are you on? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. edit on the fast, i'm going to have a v8 so my total will be 70cals.

p.p.s. to claire, i want to be a marine biologist. if i'm too stupid for that, my backup plan is to be a trucker.

9:30am

i'm not eating today. i splashed a bit of milk&6 cheerios into a bowl in the kitchen. my mother will holler at me to put it in the dishwasher, but at least she will think that i ate. for lunch, i'll cook something, bring it to my room, &put it in a plastic bag to throw away later. dinner will be easy. my mother will be home fairly late. just a simply "i already ate." fasting is freeing sometimes, when i plan for it. i felt sick when my mother was making her super greasy eggs-with-everything breakfast. gag. actually, i might not have to eat until saturday morning. it depends. friday night is when the retreat starts.

oh yeah, i'll be gone for the weekend. i'll post tomorrow&then on sunday afternoon, so it's really only the emails i'll have to catch up on.i signed up for the retreat weeks ago. my friends were going. it seemed like fun. but then they bailed. immediately i started thinking of the food. what if i can't figure out how many calories are in it? what if i get caught doing 200 crunches in the morning? what if they stare at my bones when i'm changing clothes? what if they stare at my fat when i'm changing clothes? what if they won't let me go running around the ranch? what if i gain?

stop it, zette. you'll hide food in your napkin. you can purge if you need to, don't be a baby about throwing up blood with the food. you'll lie through your ugly lips. you'll write down everything you eat. you'll count it all up at home&exercise accordingly, shoulder injury or not. you shouldn't have signed up. you shouldn't go. R will be there. she might watch you eat. you will have to be careful. but you will do it. because if you don't, you'll be this size forever, a big fat failure.

or:

the girl on the very left, with the long tan legs&grey sweater? perfect. stay strong today, lovelies, in whatever you do.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this voice in my head is louder than it used to be. it's not as endearing as it used to be. it makes me feel awful.