9:00am

hang on, i gotta pee.

okay, much better. weighed myself, too. down 3.2lbs. i love losing weight. i love it. people are noticing that i'm...giddy? of course no one in the real world thinks i need to lose weight. so i cannot tell them why i am happy. so instead, i tell them part of the reason. "my cat, spinny? the one my sister gave me as a kitten? she got hit by a car. so we took her up to the vet to be put down. but it turns out her lip&chin just needed to be sewn back into place. i'm so happy i didn't lose her. she's the best cat ever." okay, you know i love my pets to pieces. but 'almost' losing my kitty doesn't pull me out of depression. you know, that hole i dug myself into when i didn't reply to anyone, didn't smile, didn't have an opinion on any of the intricacies of life? it comes in waves. this one has passed. i'm shrinking. i'm slowly taking up less space. i love this.

or:

i don't want to be anybody's fat friend. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you haven't heard it, go look up maria mena's song "just a little bit". soundtrack to zette's life. really, i've been playing it constantly.

9:48am

i'm tired of maintaining. but i know my body&i know that in a week or so, if i stay at these calories, i will lose. i just can't screw it up. i won't. i know i've put down a goal weight, but in my head every day, my goal is simply to take up less space. i want to shrink away from the things that hurt me&even from the okay things, the things i don't deserve. seems perfectly fair to me. but people are noticing i don't eat. not important people. just people from the retreat. seemed my intake was open commentary there. "i haven't seen you eat yet today." "have you even eaten this weekend?" "haha it took you like five minutes to finish one corn chip." "stop with the crunches already. you're making me feel fat." "dude you have like alien ribs, they're trying to escape." etc. but i did well. so fuck them.

or:

compare her right leg to the leg of whatever creature is on the left. yikes. yes, i know, her left leg is squished wider. but that happens to everyone's legs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. spinny is doing fine. i set her up in the dog crate with food, water, litterbox, bed.

p.p.s. to the email people, i'm still trying to figure out why my email is sending out links to you that go nowhere. scanned my computer for viruses&changed all my passwords&cleaned out my contacts. it should stop now.

9:58am

can i tell you something? well, i'm going to. i feel really good. better than i have in quite a while. i've stayed pretty far under 600cals the past 4 days. spinny is all sewn up&home&currently smelling like cat piss. boo for vet offices. but i wiped her down with a warm cloth&brushed her. only a bit of an improvement. also, i bought my current favorite song on itunes. it's "just a little bit" by maria mena. you've prolly heard it before, "just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, maybe i'd get there"

or:

do you ever see clothes&think, "that would look great if she would drop 10 or 15lbs"? i like that purple shirt, but....yeah. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. spinny looks pretty good. her mouth almost looks normal again. why do cats always look grumpy in photos?

8:46am

so....went to my brother's house yesterday. hung out from 3-10 along with his wife, my sister, her husband, &their 4year old daughter. my shirt from the retreat is a medium&it's huge. at the end of the night, my niece ran to the bathroom&then called for her mommy. so my pregnant sister had to clean her up&put her jeans&panties in a plastic bag&wrap a blanket around her like a skirt. L was really embarrassed. it didn't help that when she sat in her dad's lap he put her down&told her (not very nicely) to go wash her hands. so i went with her. the blanket was falling off&she was all teary&upset. so i took off my t-shirt for her to wear (i tank top underneath, always). she was pretty happy about it&it reached her ankles. we joked about how silly it is to wear her aunt's giant clothes. am i a good aunt? yes, yes i am.

then my mother&i went home. i said hello to surprise&then saw spinny by the couch. she ran away from me&when i caught her i saw that she was bleeding like crazy from her mouth. that usually means an animal got hit by a car&their insides are all messed up. so i was upset. we took her to the emergency vet. the only bad part was waiting in the exam room for the vet to come back&tell us what was going on. i was nervous. very nervous. i like my kitty quite a bit. but then some cheery little miss in scrubs came in&told us that it looks worse than it is. score. they think she did get hit by a car, but that she's lucky. all it did was chip a tooth. oh yeah, &tear her bottom lip&chin off. so it was hanging. thus the blood. so now? she's at the vet to get sewn up&spayed. i'll get her back tomorrow. happy? yes, i am. fat? well, i'm that, too. oops. long post. sorry.

or:

skinnies even look skinny in hoodies. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, my stomach hurts like a motherfucker most of the time.

1:37pm

did i mention that the retreat was a church thing? yeah. lame, but i thought my friends were going (they said they were) so i signed up. let's go over the unimportant things. 

(1) the ranch where we stayed was freezing, &the fat bitch on the bunk above mine kept turning the heat off.

(2) the girl across from me was crazy small, but not underweight. she ate tons. why can't i be built like that?

(3) the boys played silent football last night&A lost so he had to go out&jump in the pond. cold much?

(4) some bitch unplugged my phone so i haven't been able to text the people i was supposed to. sorry.

(5) there was an intense amount of food. everywhere.

(6) saturday night i got left behind&had to call my mother for a ride back to the ranch. tsk tsk.

(7) i hopped on facebook to find that the author of a certain book about anorexia messaged back&said from what i told her, i have an eating disorder. does it take one to know one? i appreciate that she signed off

the important things.

(1) friday's intake was:

mints- 45

coffee- 0

sugar-15

milk- 20

total-80

(2)saturday's intake was:

 6oz juice-90

mints-40

1 tortilla chip-10

total-140

(3)sunday so far:

water-0

diet coke-0

peppermint tea-0

cereal-100

i eat cereal with water instead of milk. or just dry. saves calories. is that weird? also i slacked on crunches because the other girls were joking about it, so i did 105 at night, 55 in the morning.

or:

skinny vs. average. personally i'm not naturally small, but i'm making myself that way. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. add 8oz orange juice-110 to sunday's, was going to run on empty but i feel dizzy&i'm dying to take surprise running.

9:13am

girls with eating disorders are sometimes extremely thin. i am in neither of those categories. so my dream last night sucked. my friend told a youth pastor who told my parents (why was my dad there?) that because of my weight i needed to go somewhere for inpatient treatment. so, okay, i'm thinking fat camp. but it was a rehab. they dragged me into a room to sit alone for a few hours. so naturally, i slapped&kicked the door screaming, "i'm not even skinny" to nobody.

then they came in&forced me to eat. not normal food, like cereal or egg whites or celery or spinach. but a big greasy fast-food burger complete with drippy fries&a milkshake, which wasn't melting because the place was so goddamn cold. i was pissed. they kept telling me i needed to put on some weight before i could see the other patients.

some loony came in to "evaluate" me. to every question asked i would answer, "why am i here? i'm not even skinny." after a while they left me alone, until the next meal, which was the same. then the next. then i woke up. i was relieved to find that my stomach is still flat, sinking in a little when i'm lying down. my fingers are still cold, my rings still fall off them. i stood up to go check myself out in the mirror&all i could say was, "i'm not even skinny." disappointing morning. but i won't have to eat today. only two days of fasting total but i'll take it.

or:

skinny vs. average. whose side are you on? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. edit on the fast, i'm going to have a v8 so my total will be 70cals.

p.p.s. to claire, i want to be a marine biologist. if i'm too stupid for that, my backup plan is to be a trucker.

9:30am

i'm not eating today. i splashed a bit of milk&6 cheerios into a bowl in the kitchen. my mother will holler at me to put it in the dishwasher, but at least she will think that i ate. for lunch, i'll cook something, bring it to my room, &put it in a plastic bag to throw away later. dinner will be easy. my mother will be home fairly late. just a simply "i already ate." fasting is freeing sometimes, when i plan for it. i felt sick when my mother was making her super greasy eggs-with-everything breakfast. gag. actually, i might not have to eat until saturday morning. it depends. friday night is when the retreat starts.

oh yeah, i'll be gone for the weekend. i'll post tomorrow&then on sunday afternoon, so it's really only the emails i'll have to catch up on.i signed up for the retreat weeks ago. my friends were going. it seemed like fun. but then they bailed. immediately i started thinking of the food. what if i can't figure out how many calories are in it? what if i get caught doing 200 crunches in the morning? what if they stare at my bones when i'm changing clothes? what if they stare at my fat when i'm changing clothes? what if they won't let me go running around the ranch? what if i gain?

stop it, zette. you'll hide food in your napkin. you can purge if you need to, don't be a baby about throwing up blood with the food. you'll lie through your ugly lips. you'll write down everything you eat. you'll count it all up at home&exercise accordingly, shoulder injury or not. you shouldn't have signed up. you shouldn't go. R will be there. she might watch you eat. you will have to be careful. but you will do it. because if you don't, you'll be this size forever, a big fat failure.

or:

the girl on the very left, with the long tan legs&grey sweater? perfect. stay strong today, lovelies, in whatever you do.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this voice in my head is louder than it used to be. it's not as endearing as it used to be. it makes me feel awful.

9:51am

so......it snowed here again. only a wet inch or so. last time i woke up to my little town under 5 inches. which is a lot, for this far south. we are not used to it. which means we suck at driving in it. well i don't, because i got lessons in colorado, but my mother does. we're going to the store anyway though. i'm babbling. lovely.

but i was wondering if you guys hate it as much as i do when people worry about you. i want to say, "i'm not underweight. when i'm underweight, come find me&shove your logic&psychoanalysis down my throat. until then, fuck off." but i don't. i'm getting better at not saying things like that. about keeping this whole piece of my life under wraps. except for you little misses, of course. i'll always spill my guts to you. have you seen the movie 'ramona&beezus'? "i'm going to say a bad word....guts!"

thinspo:

or:

okay, so the skinny needs to work out her arms, but besides that she looks fantastic. i love this photo. they're even in the same post. gross. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. have you ever gained weight in preparation for seeing someone in particular? i have. it's terrible. but she was worried. i want her to leave me alone. (she said i looked great, by the way.)

p.p.s. instead, she insisted we talk calories&she gave me the book 'hollow' by jena morrow. if you can ignore the religious bits, it's an okay book so far. as with most books, i don't want to read the recovery part. is that weird?

12:12pm

hi kids. nothing to report, really, so i'll get to the good stuff.

thinspo:

or:

what a lovely skinny friend. oh the comparison they face. upside? doing cartwheels burned some calories for her. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. why bitch about my thinspo? shut up&go find thinspo you like.

9:13am

good morning. the high is 50degrees tomorrow. we had snow a couple days ago. probably getting snow again. bipolar weather in this state for sure. anyway, i'm feeling okay today inside&out. v8 for breakfast again. i was going to paint my nails last night but i've got to finish painting my ceiling today so i just did my toes. silver, super shiny. like minnows. it's a good color. i don't know what i'll do for lunch. we have some frozen peas veggies so probably those. that way i can stay around 300 because i'm not sure what my mother is planning for dinner. funny how thoughts always come back to food in one way or another.

thinspo:

or:

 ohboy. skinny vs. average. also, this picture makes me wish i had a tan.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm wearing two pairs of leggings, sweat pants, a long-sleeve shirt, a hoodie, a robe, &i'm freezing. anyone else have trouble being productive when you're cold?

5:07pm

nothing new. shoulder hurts like a motherfucker. fell in love with v8 all over again. taking a long hot shower&painting my nails later. then plucking my eyebrows to death. then trimming my hair. just a little tender loving care for the body i hate.

or:

mirror pictures are the lamest thing ever. but the girl on the left has tiny legs. kudos to her. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thought you might get a kick out of this photo. it's old, from october 2009. me&my sister V. thank god i'm not quite that big anymore. i don't know why i was making that face.

1:02pm

currently sitting in my bedroom quietly while the piano tuner is here. just took surprise out for a walk. she's good about keeping her boots on now. i'm maintaining my weight, which is okay with me for now. at the moment i've got a can of v8&some pretzels in front of me.

the first day of snow, i went out to the park. i was the first one out so i had to find the walks under the snow. an adventure for sure. when i got to the park i clicked away, trying to get a couple of good photographs. then i went on the higher side, missed the sidewalk, &fell. my shoulder hurts. it felt okay when i put the hot jet on it in the shower this morning but now it's sore again. blah. no weights, jumping jacks, or pushups for a couple days.

nothing else is going on. i've been reading&drinking tea&thinking lately. kind of ignoring the social life i kind of have. sorry to neglect the blog. figured i should update&post some skinny photos.

thinspo:

or:

school uniforms. cute. fat legs on the left. not cute. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. 1) it took me almost twenty minutes to pick my thinspo, 2) the words 'cute' & 'sure' are pretty close on the keyboard.