3:30pm

oh boy. monday was bloody awful but today is going a little better. late breakfast was a salad&juice=150 calories. lunch is spinach&a piece of tilapia=160 cals. dinner....not sure yet.

i'm glad i'm in a better mood. i hit lows suddenly&i am not a nice person. so cheers for wearing a smile again. okay remember kids, food is armless&dangerous. enough to keep your organs functioning&no more. kapeesh? of course. you guys already know all this. you guys are the best. to those who gained a little over the weekend, don't worry about. you can lose it again&lose more after it. just use it for motivation.

thinspo:

 

or:

for once, a before&after. holy shit. i'm gonna go refill my water bottle&find an episode of the biggest loser to watch. stay strong today, lovelies. you'll be just fine.

xoxo

zette

1:54pm

buried my mom's cat. i hate the way death is so clingy. it's like it lingers on my fingertips even after i scrub my arms&toss my clothes in the washing machine. i feel tainted. i feel like i should be drenched in hand sanitizer before i hold my niece. she'll be 4 in july. she's so small&happy&innocent. she's the best tiny friend.

also, i'm sick. tonsils are swollen&i have a headache. we all know my inability to keep food down isn't a symptom of that though. i'm taking all my vitamins&drinking lots of water&juice so i can get better. i'd get better faster if i ate but i don't want to. i don't want to gain.

boo being fat. boo being sick. boo having an economics test to do that i'm just going to fail. boo holding my mom's 13year old kitty til there's no pulse&then setting her in a hole in the back yard. boo monday in general. moody pieces of me aside, i promised i'd post thinspo for you little ladies.

so, thinspo:

or:

i'm in a shitty mood. i'm going back to bed. stay strong today. baby steps, remember? one day at a time. let's be small.

xoxo

zette

8:36pm

just got home. the beach was fine, blah blah blah. weekend calorie intake was 600-800. i'll have to google a couple things i'm not sure about&take out what i purged. but prolly around 700. i was in shorts&a tank top most of the time&i was freeeeezing. the weather was fine, 70-75ish but i was so cold. but now i'm home in leggings&jeans&2 shirt&a hoodie&i'm warmish. ish ish ish. oh the first morning for breakfast was eggs, fruit salad, &sausage, i cut up the sausage so i could have everything in groups of 3. apparently this is pretty amusing cause a few people noticed&told everyone else just for giggles. i told them "i just like to keep everything separate". liar liar pants on fire. oh boy.

i've gotta finish writing this stupid essay so i'll post thinspo later tonight or in the morning. i'll get caught up on your blogs tomorrow, pinky promise. i missed you guys alot. ferrealz. my ana buddy was alot of help. if you don't have an ana buddy you should get one. mine is the best ever.

xoxo

zette

7:21am

leaving this afternoon at 4:30 to meet up, climb aboard buses, &drive to the beach. i live about 5 hours away from the nearest beach so i don't go often. my passionate distaste for sand&fish shit keeps me away, too. plus the whole swimsuit thing (you know, the fact that i look terrible in one). so it'll be an interesting weekend. planning on taking a few of my own low calorie snacks so i can avoid the food there as i'm sure they'll be watching me eat.

more immediately, i have to go to school soon. just wanted to say good morning to you first. so good morning. i'm going to write a comparison&contrast essay (unless he assigns it for homework over the weekend...doubtful)&do an economics quiz. then come home&finish laundry&pack. i'm ridiculously stressed. i fasted yesterday with my ana buddy but dinner kinda knocked me off course, i had a salad...well, a plate full of spinach&a single banana pepper. no dressing of course. &then i had some chicken baked with salt&pepper. i purged but not much came up cause i had to wait for my mom to be on the other side of the house. so boo. i tried. i really really did.

thinspo: legs, to kick off your day:

or:

yikes. even if you ignore the chick in the middle&compare the fatass&tyra (for age reasons)...there's no excuse to be that huge. seriously. i think i just threw up in my mouth a bit. i'm off to brush my teeth. ughh. stay strong today. whatever you're craving, you don't need it. it will only cover your bones with another layer of fat. not as positive as usual but i've got a little bit of an attitude today so fuck it. hugs to you guys, i'll post on sunday.

xoxo

zette

11:00am

got myself out of bed. now all i have to do is put clothes on, babysit juberty, study for economics, read 'desiree's baby' and 'the shawl' again for a comparison&contrast, do tons of laundry, walk surprise, &pack for the beach bash. oh boy. by oh boy i mean shit. shitshitshit. (in case you hadn't noticed, i like the number 3)

laundry is easy. i can be doing that while i do everything else. clever little washing machine inventor, i love you. i can walk to the with surprise&take my economics book, study while she's running around the baseball field. i guess i'll take my english stuff to&read those stories over again. i'll tell beth i have to be home early so babysitting will take at the max about 2 hours. then all i have to do is pack.

breakfast - water

lunch - hunger&more water

dinner - more hunger&more water. i love fasting. i feel so weak yet so strong. hope you guys are doing well.i'm stoked about this weekend but i'll miss your blogs. if any of you in the US want my number just email me&we'll text, mmk? (ilovezette@yahoo.com) oh&i have sprint, if that matters.

shabam, thinspo time:

or:

golly. i'd wear that look on my face if i were that big, too. except i'm getting dangerously close. you guys know this already, if you saw the pic i posted of myself forever ago. my ribs have a nasty layer of fat on them&it shows.

summer is coming so quickly. personally, i have to be smaller than my sister when i spend the summer with her&vik in colorado. &she might have lost weight. i doubt it, but maybe. okay zette, chill out. to the rest of you, stay strong&think thin. if you need to, put your favorite thin song on your ipod&listen to it before you eat. or carry your fav thinspo pictures around. whatever it takes. you can do this. we can do this.

xoxo

zette

12:18pm

home from school. offered to babysit my niece&nephew today at 3. i told my sister that my mom&i would visit my brother at the va hospital at 7. so what did she say next? "oh good then i'll have plenty of time to hang out with them". seriously? i didn't say i could babysit for 4 hours. i'm glad i'll be away this summer. then maybe she'll appreciate the free babysitting she gets all the time. sorry. she just annoys me sometimes.

economics quiz on friday&then a test online over the weekend. fuckfuckfuck. i suck at economics. &my english teacher said my last essay wasn't very good. there's no way i can make an A in the class now. how am i so stupid when the rest of my family is so intelligent? not very fair.

so i'm frustrated. &people keep calling me beautiful. at the last sleepover my friend put her hands around my waist (which is huge) &went on about how small i am. then someone else picked me up&went on about how i weigh nothing. why do people do that? when people say i have pretty eyes, i joke that they're the color of shit. cause they are. why so many comments about my body? or am i just noticing it cause it's what i focus on every minute of the day?

in conclusion, i'm frustrated cause i'm a fugly retarded whale of a girl in a world of pretty smart little girls.

thinspo:

or:

quod me nutrit me destruit. (that which nourishes me destroys me) we have to be small this summer. do you really want to spend another summer deciding how to cross your legs to hide the fat? or running around with shorts&a tank top over your bikini cause nobody wants to see that stomach? come on, ladies. we can do this. stay strong, lovelies. we're all in this together. you are so so so not alone.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apparently it won't let you email me from my profile on here? sorry about that. ilovezette@yahoo.com if you need anything.

3:27pm

oh boy. water water water. i've had 6 glasses today. i look preggo. i felt a little sick but i'm feeling better now. cool&full&in control. didn't mean for that to sound cheesy. anyways, gonna skateboard with some people tonight. it's been nice not having any homework today. with no essay to write i've just been working on my own writing. new lyrics&i tuned my guitar. mellow afternoon. &wow, you guys make me smile. ferrealz yo.

okay. so a certain someone *coughDJcough* got mad at me cause i said i don't like it when weight loss becomes a competition. are you kidding? i already explained this, silly. i just think it seems to work better when we all hold each other up instead of competing. for some of you that could work better but for me it doesn't. kapeesh?

in other news, i've had 100 calories today. glass of pomegranate-blueberry juice - 60. marshmallows - 40. the marshmallows maybe seem random but i needed something super sweet. anyways, i should be able to get away with that for today&just fill up on water. might have to eat dinner later but prolly not.

i'm trying to keep up with your blogs. haven't been commenting much i guess. i only comment when i have something to say so sometimes i read&say nothing. don't most of you do the same?

thinspo:

or:

dear god, who invited the whale?? when we're small we might look a bit like lollipops with our big heads on bones but we'll be the prettiest little lollies the world has ever seen. kapeesh? also, you are not allowed to wear hooker shoes at any weight unless you are a hooker. shabam, just a few thoughts of mine.

xoxo

zette

2:17pm

you guys make me laugh. the last bit of the last post was for those of you who are running to mia when ana is too hard. mia is easy. you eat, you purge, you eat, you purge. but it damages you&it won't really help you lose weight. starving will. i think fasting is the term most of us use but starving sounds...stronger? or maybe just explicit. whatever. oh&also, i'm finding i like cold foods much better than hot. hot food seems gross&invasive. it's like even if i only take a single bite, the rest seeps into my pores&sits there. cold food is empty of the warm, full feeling food usually gives me. so cold food is better. i eat less of it.

i just got home from getting a gallon of water at walmart. i'm glad my mom believes in drinking enough water. otherwise she'd question me keeping a gallon of water in my room. she threw out my last gallon (refilled 485793827509873 times) when she was cleaning my room. i'm not sure why she does that. i ask her not to, since she doesn't know what's trash. i thought i was getting through to her after she threw away some sketches&old birthday cards. whatever. parents are parents&always will be.

school is going better. got 2 papers&a test back. A-, A-, &an A. i think i can live with that for now. hoping to knock off the minus on the essay i just turned in. found out my teacher likes that i talk to him after class casually. what can i say? i like for people to know ho i am. i don't like being invisible, &that's hard to avoid at a big school. cheers for my classmates&teachers knowing my name.

after lots of rambling, thinspo:

or:

why so blue, skinny miss? found this pic in an article about being happy with your body. oh boy. i don't think anything pinstriped besides shoes should come in sizes above 5. shabam. daily dose of whateverthefuck happens to be on my mind. stay strong, lovelies. summer is almost here. we'll be compared to other girls. let's be the prettiest.

xoxo

zette

8:34pm

sorry, i know i promised thinspo but i kinda slept all day. i think maybe i'm getting sick? feeling a bit icky. just tired&shaky&weak&i threw up. kind of funny cause those things usually happen but only cause i make them happen.

let's aim for:

or:

okay. to be fair, they both need work. but comparatively, the girl on the right looks pretty big.

stay strong, lovelies. remember, empty is clean. &mia is addicting but ana is rewarding. shabam, there you go.

xoxo

zette

8:24am

good morning kids. it snowed down here again. wtf? snow on the first day of spring. of course. i love it. i ran out barefoot a second ago to take a picture for my V since she's always complaining about snow in colorado.

but i might not send it cause...well i do look accurately like i just woke up. &i look huge. everywhere. damn you wide hips. damn you C cups. &chubby arms. wait...chubby arms? i've always had sort of slender arms. oh well. i am my own reverse thinspo. shabam. no food for me today if i can get away with it.

oh don't worry i'll post real thinspo later. promise. &thanks for all the comments&emails. you guys are fantastic. i'm trying to catch up on your blogs. it's taking me forever as my mother has not yet learned the art of knocking before she walks in my room. stay strong today. you can do it. of course you can. do not beat yourselves up about a stupid binge. work it off&try again. kapeesh?

xoxo

zette

3:40pm

just woke up from a nap&got a bowl of the soup my mother made. i have applesauce when i got home this morning (100cals) &i haven't looked up the soup yet. it's chicken, yellow squash, &kale. i haven't had much of it though. now i have to write the final draft of my essay&then edit it tomorrow.

oh&last night. thansk for all the comments. you guys help alot, for real. it was alot of fun. at one point we were just sitting on em's floor flipping through all her magazines&it was so hard to point out dresses&shoes instead of collarbones&legs. it was fun anyways, i suppose. calorie intake? made a hotdog&had a few bites of it. luckily they had 4 of their 6 dogs inside the house so getting rid of food outside the kitchen was no problem. i did have soda&ice cream, but i purged like a good girl. after that i just had water. so not perfect but not bad. lots of crunches today so i won't do it again.

thinspo for you:

or:

fat&happy with friends but i wonder if fatties are happy when alone? i'm still fat&i'm definitely not happy when alone. oh but we are good fakers, aren't we? stay strong, lovelies. we'll be thin, dainty, graceful.

xoxo

zette

10:09am

funny how it's often the fat people who tell you you're thin&that you don't need to lose weight, etc? well obviously. if i weighed as much as you do i'd be jealous of me too. the exception is my dramatic friend. i love her to death but she is not at all happy about my weight, or the fact that i want to lose so much more. but she just lost a ton of weight. so she knows how good it feels. she's pretty thin now, i think she looks smaller than me. &she has a prettier face. how is that fair? fuck all you blue-eyed beauties. i'll just pretend to be happy with my too-high cheekbones&shit-colored eyes. anyways, dramatic friend has teamed up with nosy friend again. i hope they'll quit it. because my dramatic friend lives on the other side of the country&my nosy friend lives about 20 minutes away. so between the 2 of them, they could fuck up my life majorly. that worries me.

another sleepover tonight. it's my friend's birthday. they always have tons of food. i'm fasting today so anything eaten tonight will blow me up. anyways i'll like a total of 4 people there. i hope that's enough. i can be pretty mean when i don't like someone. i'm not sure why i feel the need to say such awful things to people. the worst is that i find something true&stretch it to make them feel like shit. great for getting back at people but i do it all the time. i know, i'm terrible. i'm nice to you guys though, right? i mean i hope so. i try to be.

in short, i'm scared that 2 of my friends will get me in trouble as they know so many of my secrets, &i'm scared that i'll binge at tonight's sleepover. words of encouragement as always would be greatly appreciated. i'm all for giving back so i'll post thinspo.

some pretty little legs:

or:

chances are she wouldn't look any better with a smile. nice try though, fatass. stay strong, lovelies, &wish me luck. tonight is going to be very...interesting.

xoxo

zette

9:05am

time for a random post. shabam. this is hard. well no shit it's hard. it's not like we're giving up biting our nails or singing in the shower. it's food. our bodies are going to need it sooner or later. sometimes for a moment i think this is stupid&that i should just give up. but then i start clicking through thinspo&i find that little voice that tells me to suck it up&starve on.

finished my economics homework it's due next week. oops. oh well. now i have to write this essay. yeah, still haven't finished it. but this story makes zero sense to me. &the questions make less sense. like -3 sense. so wish me luck. i need to bring my grades up in english&economics. if anything just so my mom will quit making me feel like shit about it.

if you don't have an ana buddy, i'd find one. an ana buddy should be someone you can text at any time. someone who will give you instructions on how to purge. someone who will tell you to go for a run instead of making lunch. my ana buddy is badass. just saying, you should get one if you haven't already.

i suppose since i'm online i'll post more thinspo. never too much thinspo. not sure about you, but i love bones&i can't wait until more of mine show.

aforementioned skinnies:

or:

if you feel fat, find someone fatter, &do nothing that they do. don't be the fat friend, darlings. it's no good. stay strong, lovelies. we're in this together.

xoxo

zette

10:03am

i'm told that i make the whole self injury thing a grey area. so let's make it clear, shall we? instead of crying, i cut or burn. usually on my ribs, sometimes on my legs. it's not that i lack the ability to cry, it's just messy&unnecessary. like cutting. but cutting makes me feel better. at least it usually does. it has for the past 4 years. so..shabam: we're clear.

anyhow, had about 700 calories yesterday. yikes. i just rolled out of bed&i'm not sure what i should have for breakfast. probably part of a smoothie&alot of water. about 200 calories. plus coffee. sounds good to me.

in other news, i really want to go to dallas. just take the train to mockingbird station&wander around. go to james's voodoo shop&have a chat. hang out with a street musician, talk about life, &never see them again. i'll have to convince someone to give me a ride to the train station though.....&of course i'll have to go to the zoo.

thinspo for your thursday:

or you can be nikki:

whatever you're craving right now, chances are it won't makes your legs smaller. ana will. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

10:08am

to answer you question, P, i don't want to be in a competition. i've done that before&it all went to shit. i'd rather not explain further. kapeesh?

also, i'm having a hard time saying anything to the people who are recovering. i'm not happy for them. i should be, but i'm not. how does someone switch over that fast? i know i'm being a brat, but i don't appreciate recovery. it doesn't make any sense to me right now. can anybody relate to that? i'm not heartless, i'm glad they're getting whatever it is they want, but i can't bring myself to pat them on the back yet.

in other news, i've got to write an essay today on a story i don't understand. cheers for wikipedia. wiki helps with my english homework tremendously. oh&500 crunches were only to make me feel better yesterday. exercise for me is sometimes more of an inside thing. so there you go. oh, i almost forgot.

thinspo for you:

or:

who told her to wear white? how rude. i guess black might not have helped much anyway.

stay strong, lovelies. we're going to be so pretty, small, delicate.

xoxo

zette