12:10pm

hi. i'm breathing. &my cat died tuesday night. &i made a 62 on my economics test. &i think i'm getting sick. on the bright side....um..well my sister picked me up this morning to lay out by the pool. cheers for getting some color. i genuinely hope you guys are doing better than i am. thanks for checking on me while i float around in zombie land. i'm spacing out like none other. but i do have time to post&i owe you some.....

thinspo:

or:

you don't have to be much bigger to look much bigger. be the small one.

xoxo

zette

7:27pm

binge of the day: honeysuckles. no idea how many calories. but they were prolly all burned picking them. lots of water today. i want to keep losing weight. emotional hurricane aside, i'm actually okay. but taking the emotions into account, i'm fucked. my ribs are one big scratchfest from cutting so much. i feel so lost. an annoying feeling. forget about school. school is my last priority. i've already missed 3 days (i only go 3 days a week) &before that i had perfect attendance. awesome. way to go, zette, you're a fucking loser. i need some reverse thinspo. so that's what i'll post. sorry for the bullshit mumblings. hopefully i'll be closer to normalish soon.

xoxo

zette

10:34pm

sorry for disappearing. just having a rough time. my weight is going down&i don't even give a shit. so that's all. this is me checking in. not a big update but just letting you know i'm around. kind of. i miss you guys. i'll be back when i find my brain so i can reply to emails (which i really really really do appreciate...even the weird questions)&catch up on your blogs.

xoxo

zette

10:56am

my 14month old nephew died last night

don' t get fat.

10:08pm

hmm...ever feel like it would be convenient not to have to see tomorrow? boo for emo i-hope-i-die-in-my-sleep thoughts. i've tried to be peppy today. started off in a good enough mood. then failed my economics quiz&my good mood ran away. grumpy grumpy grumpy. i'm gonna go catch my cat&bring him back in the house. my madre is yelling at me to do so. gotta love parents.

quick thinspo:

thin or average? your choice. personally, i'm trying to get away from average. average waist, average arms, average legs. average=gross. average takes zero discipline. it takes alot of work to get thin&stay thin.
 it's not easy but i'm betting it's worth it. stay strong, ladies. we'll be okay. &then we'll be better than okay when we're skinny. kapeesh? glad we understand each other.

xoxo

zette

10:20am

it's tuesday. it's sunny outside here. i'm just waiting for summer to be here so i can be in colorado. also, my dramatic friend might be in denver for a bit when i'm up there so maybe i'll get to see her. more inspiration to lose weight. it's not that i want her to worry about me when she feels my bones. but we all know the sense of pride when our bodies aren't quite as rounded as they used to be. oh boy. my mood is getting better already. &thanks for the comments. &the emails. they made me smile. you guys are great.

breakfast was 6 spears of asparagus. yes, i like numbers divisible by 3. 3 is my favorite number in the whole world of numbers. do you have a favorite? speaking of favs, my favorite model right now is karlie kloss....

thinspo:

or:

i know i usually post someone closer to average, but this was too good not to post. remember, that fatass got there one bite at a time. you can get there too if you let yourself. don't do it. you can stay strong today.

xoxo

zette

10:40pm

i did pretty well today calorie-wise but i forgot that this assignment is more than a summary, i've gotta take notes on the side or whatever. so anyhow, i shouldn't have put it off. i've got my outline but i feel brain dead. my stomach hurts like hell&eating would fix it but i have have have to lose this fucking weight. i cannot be in the whale category this summer.

besides that i'm just frustrated in general. i've been cutting alot&somewhere in the back of my mind i know i should be. but it's so easy. &it really does help me calm down&clear my head. ugh. i cannot think. i keep spacing. i'm so frustrated i'm literally in tears. it's pathetic. i've got mascara running down my fat face&onto my fat legs. i feel disgusting. but i don't have time to fix myself&get this stupid paper done. so first things first. fucking homework will be the death of me.

i hate admitting it but i'm not okay. why can't i simply be okay? i tell people often enough. "how are you?" "okay, you?" "okay. good seeing you." "you too." oh fake existence why must you be so effortless? hell i'm even fake to myself. i tell myself it's completely harmless to be as mentally unstable as i am. i'm going to kill myself one day&it's going to be a goddamn accident. not cause i'm clumsy but cause i like to push my limits until it hurts..then push them farther. i'm insane. sorry for the spastic post. thanks for putting up with me.

stay strong, little ladies. let's be small so we can fit in&stand out at the same time.

xoxo

zette

7:34pm

oopsy forgot to post this.

The rules of this blog award are:
1. Post this logo within your blog or post
2. Pass the award onto 5 fellow bloggers
3. Link to the nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know they have received an award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link the person whom you received this blog award

without further ado,

violet of shrinking violet - for her alice obsession, random comments, &her fantastic way of saying things so that i smile when i see that she has posted.&her...reality? she's raw. in a good way. &seems to have good taste in just about everything. to know her in person we'd prolly kill each other&then be good friends.

meg of leak for her honesty. she tells things i might not have the courage to. &posts random pictures to remind me that life doesn't have to be so dark today. also, her weight loss is encouraging for sure.

alisson of every calorie is a war for her honesty&complaining&perfect thinspo. her blog is helpful to me.

alice of zoete narcissen for her gentle, violent way of describing things such as "my entrails smeared on the sidewalk." & "Thank you, reverse thinspo roommates". &for letting me think for that one day that i have a pretty face. 

riki ana of beautiful?  for her many many exclamation points. her blog is loud&therefor i remember it when i walk away. also for the rhino picture on the side of her blog. &for her commitment. makes me feel lousy when i stray&encourages me to get back up.

well i picked 5. not easy at all. can't i pick like 8 more??

xoxo

zette

9:52am

oh boy. saturday is homework day. gonna be a looong day. finished the other paper only to get my next assignment. this teacher never gives us a break. i have to write a kickass paper cause i'm making a B- still which is not cool at all.

anyways, about 300 calories yesterday. today screwed up right when i got up. finished off the frosty i got from wendy's last night. oh well. went running last night. i'll run farther today to burn off the cold, melted vanilla mess. i purged but i know there's something in there. i feel gross. why do i do that to myself? oh well.

going to garage sales in a fancy shmancy neighborhood on the other side of town. i live in a crap neighborhood. i like it. not this house. i hate this house. but i love the neighborhood. my town is growing ridiculously fast but it still has that small town feel. all the grocery store people know us&employees everywhere watched me&my siblings grow up. it's pretty nice. but i cannot resist fancy shmancy garage sales. especially late in the day, when everything is marked down&you can buy lots of crap you need or don't need. also need to go thrifting soon.....

thinspo:

or:

my goal is always to be no one's fat friend. so i can either quit talking to skinny people..or i can be one. it's alot of work but i will be thin. &so will you. shabam. now you've heard it. go forth&be encouraged.

xoxo

zette

p.s. keep a food journal. it helps tremendously to be able to copy a 'good' day you had a while back when you're unsure.

4:10pm

oh boy sorry about the delay. the past few days have been..well.... i'm not sure how to put this so you can see accurately..stresshomeworkschoolorthodontistpainyellingfightsstressrunninghurtingsleepingstresscrying, etc. but i've kept this shit to myself. pity party throwers got to me so i shut up a bit. i just woke up from a nap. i seem to sleep much better when the sun is up. too bad my schedule won't work around that.

okay so i got my braces tightened this morning. &some other stuff. i'm not sure exactly what he did, but when he started he told another orthodontist "this is gonna be fun". fun for HIM, he means. not fun for the sleep girl in the chair. anyway, came home&complained so my mother would not make me eat anything. but suddenly her maternal instincts burst forth&she takes me to the store to get some soft food. my mother isn't very helpful. at all. she's the sort of person who expects you to hold doors open for them. (i say this because she expects that). i like helping people. i really do. but with outside stuff. not inside stuff. if you tell me you're having a rough time, i'll try to say something appropriate&then drop it. i'm not good at being nice. not to people in teh real world, anyway. you guys are good to me so i try to return it. but if you met me in person, you'd walk away muttering "what a bitch.." that's just how i am.

calorie wise, i've been doing alright. usually 400 or under. but it's wearing me out&i have to do better in school. just having a hard time balancing weight loss&...well, everything else. like right now i'm trying to finish this outline&do a little economics homework. but i can't concentrate. my stomach hurts&i'm afraid if i sit somewhere comfortable i'll fall asleep&wake up just in time to put pants on before school. yes, i could prolly sleep that long. it seems my rambling days are far from over. sorry about that.

thinspo:

or:

again, there is a big difference between thin&average. big thighs are average. i don't want to be average. do you??

xoxo

zette

8:43pm

alright so i've neglected you guys today. sorry. i have to leave the house at 6 in the morning so technically i have about 8 hours to work on this essay. 8 hours is enough, right? i got an energy drink for the morning so i can stay awake in class. i'll just have to add another mile to my run&alot of extra crunches for it. if i ate like a normal person i'd have incredible abs by now. haha

easter lunch today. yikes. lamb&asparagus&chips&hummus&mashed potatoes&strawberries, oh my. i got through it with about 300 calories. not what i wanted, but i tried. leftovers are tempting but luckily i have an awesome ana buddy. ferrealz. she's the best. you guys are pretty great too. your comments made me smile&i don't smile a whole hell of alot these days. emo moment? my bad. haha well i've gotta finish this damn essay so i'll wrap it up here.

thinspo:

or:

if everyone else is in a swimsuit&you feel obligated to wear a tshirt, chances are you've got room for ana in your life. stay strong today, lovelies. you guys help me so much so i hope i help you a bit. &remember, inside every fatass are bones waiting to show their beauty.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, this is the same essay i've had soooo much time to finish. i could be a superhero with the procrastinating i do. the procrastinator. sounds pretty harcore. maybe. okay i kid, i kid.

10:04am

goal for today: stay as empty as possible&finish this fucking essay. it's a comparison&contrast&i've got a page so far. my teacher said it should be 2-5 pages. fuckfuckfuck. after this it's prolly another essay&then final exam&i really want to bring my grade up to an A. but my brain is working in sslloooww motion so i'm fucked.

i still haven't gained. i think doing so many crunches&running is what's saved me so far. but i won't rely on that anymore. if i do, chances are i'll just get tones&i do not want to be muscular. i used to have crazy arm muscles from getting in fights (not a tough guy, i just have a bad temper) but now they're back to just...flab. ugh. even the word is gross. people keep telling me how thin i am. but it's only the ones who know what i'm doing to be thin who tell me i'm too skinny. perspective? i suppose. funny how knowledge can twist a person's point of view. you guys would prolly take one look at my thighs&yell at me to run right now. but my nosy friend sees my ribs&coaxes me to eat. like a puppy or something. except puppies are cute. i'm definitely not cute. but i'm thinking i'll change my profile picture on here? to one of the following.

me as a little kid, or

current. ew. i swear my waist is getting wider. yikes. that's scary.

so..little kid or current me? hm.....

after tons of nonsense, real thinspo for you:

or:

can you spot the fatty? hint:she's the one about to explode out of her uniform. yikes.

stay strong today, lovelies. even when alot of other things are shitty, you can at least be skinny, right?

xoxo

zette

11:42am

breakfast was 200 calories but i purged so...i dunno. lunch is a big fat question mark cause i'll be at the mall with my sister's B&C&my niece&nephew. should be an interesting day. especially cause it's rainy&windy. i'll prolly wear a loose skirt&tshirt with converse. feeling fat today. (as usual, but more so on this particular friday)

depending on what i have for lunch, i'll prolly double my little workout tonight. &i'll go running even though i have zero endurance when sick. i'll just have to deal with it.

thinspo:

or:

that, darling, is the difference between ana&average. let's not be average, eh? let's be small. no one wants to take up any extra space. ew. stay strong today, lovelies, &i'll do the same. we can do it.

xoxo

zette

9:19am

been a little out of it. i suppose that could be partly cause i'm sick. i've kept my calories fairly low but i haven't felt up to much exercise (except 200-250 crunches) so i haven't lost any weight. i'm tempted to eat normally until i kick this sickness but i'd rather be achy for a few extra days than gain anything, i think. cause i feel huge. is this how obese people feel all the time? like they won't fit somewhere? like they should wear loose black all the time to hide everything? i hate this. no, i don't have the energy to hate much of anything right now. but i definitely don't like it. the last time i cried it was cause i'm fat. i don't want to be this big anymore. it's disgusting. &i'm extremely jealous of you shorties. i've never measured but i'm told i'm 5'8" &that just adds to feeling big. so to you little 5'5"s &under, just know that i'm jealous.

rambling quite alot lately. since i screwed up so bad on the last economics class i'm not sure if i'll pass the class. 100's on the homework but it's not enough to forgive my quiz&test scores. fuck. my mother will murder me. in other news, maybe partying this weekend. it'd be fun to spend the day wandering around downtown talking to crazy strangers. maybe go to jimmy's little voodoo shop&say hello. then party my ass off the way i used to. maybe that would get me out of this weird mindset i'm stuck in. i'm rambling again, so i'll quit now.

thinspo:

or:

good move on avoiding a string bikini, fatty. it would have been lost for eternity in your rolls. okay little ladies, i'm off to comment on your blogs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette