11:16pm

i should be in bed. warning i might talk about food so apologies in advance for the temptation. i really do need to go to bed. i'll be in an awful mood if i don't get any sleep. i'm sorry to have disappeared again for a bit. i don't mean to. once in a while i even start a new post. i type in the time&then i sit here with nothing to say. right now i'm sitting here with a bag of flamin' hot lime cheetos to my right. i'm not going to touch them. i'll have fuze for breakfast&powerade for lunch if i can get away with it. fingers crossed. also going swimming tomorrow. i needa work on my tan. i have ugly scars all over. anyhow, i owe you guys some skinny pitchas.

thinspo:

or:

the girl on the left is okayish. but the girl on the right needs to say no to whatever her next meal is. i will not be average. i will not be average. i will not be average. i'm watching a biography on marykate&ashley olsen. skinnies. i love them. i leave for camp on the 6th. fuckfuckfuck. i'm going to be the only tub of lard there. hang in there, little ladies. it'll be worth it.

xoxo

zette

3:57pm

oh geez. my friend called me this morning so i rolled out of bed&walked to the park to meet her. we walked all the way to her neighborhood&then i walked home. all in all maybe 4-5 miles? boo for walking in the hot sun. surprise didn't like it either. so...popsicle=45cals. besides that i've had water. dinner will be water&tic tacs. go me.

thinspo:

or:

okay so that's alot of comparing to do. but i like comparisons. thin is relative to many people. thin is not being smaller. it's being the smallest. it's not seeing your collarbones. it's being able to count all your ribs. i'll get there. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

8:29pm

600 calories today. failurefailurefailure. i suck at life.

thinspo:

or:

on the left we have average. on the right we have thin. wow, really tough choice. hang in there, darling. tomorrow will be here soon enough&it'll be a new day, no matter how much this one sucked ass.

xoxo

zette

4:53pm

partypartyparty. last night was fun. got home around 4:30am. oh boy. in other news, i'm pimping out my dog. actually, just trying to get her knocked up. really hoping it'll work. it'd be fun to let her have puppies before i get her fixed. plus if she has two i can make a few $$$.

also.....i got nothin. i'm not mad. or sad, really. kind of frustrated? basically in a constant state of not happy. it's bloody hot here&i hate it. anyone in canada? i'll come live with you. for real. last announcement, i'll be out of town june 6-11th (maybe). if i am out of town, i'll miss you ladies terribly&you guys in the u.s. are free to text me. it'll be hard without you guys. i have a badass ana buddy but still.

on to more important things, like..........

thinspo:

or:

ummm they make swimsuits that big? why? shouldn't anyone over a certain weight be in clothes? or a wetsuit? or maybe rented out as a boat? okay, that's harsh, but fat floats, yeah? oh well. you guys better hope i'm never ruler of the world. i can be evil at times. stay strong, lovely ladies.

xoxo

zette

10:31am

"alright. you?" a simple little answer with no feeling for a simple little question with no feeling. couldn't you come up with something better than "hey zette how are you? are you a senior this year?". oh well. humans will be humans. i say this as if i'm not thrown in with the rest of people to tumble into my own stereotypical pocket.

i woke up around 8:30 when my mother left for work. she'll be working allll day so it's just me&the pets. luckily grocery shopping has been postponed so basically all i have to eat is chicken&lentil soup &a few tomatoes. today is going to be a good day. went to the harbor last night along with tons of other people. wore my short shorts cause i can&wondered how much i'd have to not eat to have legs as small as someone else. hung out with a friend&had an interesting chat. she's an odd person. brutally honest&says most things with a smile. like me, except my smile only reaches my eyes on occasion, all other times my big fat lips curve up but nothing else indicates any happiness. especially true as of late. what's with my wording today? i dunno either. but anyhow, sorry i disappeared for a short bit. i've been up to absolutely nothing. just sitting here at home mostly. but mentally i cannot calm down. i read at night so i can go to sleep. my mother doesn't appreciate this as i have taken to leaving the light on. i tell her it's because i fall asleep reading. but really i just like to be able to see around me when i wake up from a nightmare. nightmare...an odd word. i picture a little black pony. then i remember what happens in my dreams&i picture lots of bodies of people i absolutely adore. little black pony gone. oh boy, zette, cheer up.

D told me last night she sent pictures of me to her friend who does photography cause i'm "so photogenic". so maybe one of these days i'll find myself at the park with miss AR&a camera. D should have told her the whole truth. "also, she a few zits. &braces that make her lips look even fatter then normal. &she's got lots of fat to keep her company when her nasty attitude chases people away." doubtful that i'll ever even meet AR for a shoot but if i do, i feel the need to apologize to her in advance. i feel that way often though, about alot of people. there are lots of little things i say that i will prolly never apologize for. so maybe it's better to apologize for my existence as a whole. i suppose it wouldn't make a difference anyways since i've made no plans to point out truths that people were trying to avoid. me&my big fat mouth lose alot of friends. but some of them stay&that's a very good thing. cause when i'm lonely i tend to go into self-destruct mode just to see what happens. yikes, this is long.

thinspo:

or:

just a little harmless comparison. since alot of you are struggling with purging i'll remind you: mia is addicting but ana is rewarding. ana will get you where you want to go. mia can only stop you from going backwards. hang in there, little ladies. &thanks for all the support. i've needed it for sure.

xoxo

zette

p.s. today my ribcage is showing itself again but i feel like even my ribs are fat. anybody else?

10:19pm

sometimes i jokingly tell people what i seriously tell my niece. "use your words." sometimes people have something to say but instead they spill emotion all over the floor&nobody likes to clean that up. just use your words.

also, super sorry for not posting. i was going to but my niece asked me to stay the night with her so i did...cause i'm an awesome aunt like that. went swimming with her today. my sister is thinner than me. comparatively, in bikinis, she looks so much better. not even my tan can hide the layers of fat jiggling all over. gross.

okay so i have been putting off posting the beautiful blogger award.....cause of having to say 7 things about myself. silly, right? i mean i tell you guys so many things anyways....oh well. here goes. &i'm stealing your mustached award, nessa.

thanks to alice & nessa for nominating me.

1. i seriously considered taking a job at a strip club for the summer. but i decided my body is too gross not to be clothed anyways. plus i hate being watched. silly me.

2. i have a scar on my left thigh that says "HELP" in block letters from my emo days. as if they were long ago. it's from last summer.

3.my kitten just ripped the bandaid off my foot (i wore some uncomfortable shoes) &i painted my nails a dark pink today. i don't like the color anymore.

4. every time there is a daddy daughter anything that my friends are going to (dance, movie night, etc) i cry myself to sleep&get mad at my father all over again.

5. i have tried just about every (illegal) drug there is&decided that they are all too expensive&not worth it. also, shot whiskey for the first time when i was 12.

6. i sing constantly when i'm home alone. only when i'm alone cause people tell me i have "an amazing voice" &i don't take compliments very well at all. plus i like to sing the songs i write myself&the lyrics are prolly best kept to myself.

7. my first name is meaghan. yeah, my father spelled it wrong. but that's better than having no name, my mother handed me off to him when i was born cause she "wanted nothing to do" with me. (don't ask your parents where you got your name, they might tell you the truth)

okay, nomineeeeeeeeeeees. sorry...said it out loud&decided to add some e's.

alice - first of all for nominating me. but also cause i am starting to get over my hatred of my eyebrows. maybe they're not so bad. your comments make me smile so thanks for posting them so often.

nessa - also for nominating me. &for our mutual love of mustaches. &for your honesty about binges&other things. we're all aspiring human beings.

violet - for...everything? for sticking with me&for your odd way of putting things that makes me consider them in a new way. for sometimes making me think when i don't want to&for often making me laugh.

embre/meg - for posting random things that make me laugh&for being so so so strong. kudos for that.

ellie - for your beautiful way of communicating the simplest&most complicated things. i envy your extraordinary use of words.

zen - is it necessary to say anything? you're fantastic. i can relate to you&that makes your posts all the more relevant.

tara - for being completely real&so faithful to check up on me. &for posting your progress...it reminds me to get off my butt&lose this weight. inspiring for sure.

well this is long already but it wouldn't be from me if i didn't include some quick thinspo:

or:

yikes. no bellies allowed. goodnight ladies. thanks for sticking with me through all this craziness. i apologize for all the drama lately. i'm as ready for it to stop as you guys are.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apologies in advance for typos. my bad.

10:25pm

looong day. went to a party last night&got home around 4. didn't drink or anything but it was kinda fun anyways. dragged myself to church this morning as i promised some friends i would. then i dropped by my house to shave my legs&grab some shorts to help at my sister's house. they all did yard work&i ended up chillin with the kids. it was fun. i was in charge of swimming with a 5 year old, two 4year olds, a 2 1/2 year old, &a baby. i'm tired.

it was a good evening. i was the only one there who isn't a parent. cheers for old people. but they complimented me like crazy on random things. they said i'm not selfish for my age&that i'm good with kids&then my sister was reaching around me in the kitchen&she paused with her arms on either side of me&laughed at how "tiny" i am. that made me smile. i was scared she might comment on my ribs. i know she could feel them. but she didn't, so i went on slicing strawberries.

nobody commented on my eating. why? cause i stuffed my face. ate a huge salad with strawberries&tomatoes&then some animal crackers. gross gross gross. i'm disgusting. another salad for dinner. as soon as i choose some thinspo for us i'm doing all my crunches&then settling on the couch with a novel. a thriller. i love reading. i'm a dork. i'm such a dork, in fact, that i've gotten to the library on occasion&had to wait for it to opensdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsdsd0-ppppp78******////////////////////////////// dammit. that would be my kitten, spinolio. she likes to walk on the keyboard. thanks. spinny. oh right, pitchas.

thinspo:

or:

i made it big so you could compare. notice how the giant in purple makes everyone else look so much better. 1 fatass, 4 average, 5 just below average (in weight). or maybe the chick in purple counts as 2 people..? hmm....comparisons are harsh. i love them. alright, off to do 200 crunches, 100 at a time. i'm sore just thinking about it. stay strong, darlings.

xoxo

zette

6:46pm

nothing important to say, really. just saying things to say them. if you're busy stop reading now cause this will be a time waster.

i just woke up from an almost 4 hour nap. it was glorious. i had no idea i was that tired. also, it's rainy here. thunderstorms. gotta love them. also, both my pets napped with me. i'm glad my kitten like to sleep under the covers. i think it's the one thing she&surprise have in common. (surprise is my dog, she looks like an alien..or so i'm told).

today has been totally mellow. spent the night last night at my sister's house. woke up to my niece asking me if i was awake. what a sweetie. then we ate cinnamon rolls (she calls them cinnamon roll ups)&chased each other around the house. my sister isn't doing very well. not eating&not saying much. worries me but i know she's strong so....i dunno. i know it's selfish but i wish they had someone else to rely on. someone else who was as close to liberty as i am. just so i wouldn't always have to be the first one they call. i hate being over there. they still haven't taken the crib or changing table apart. this whole mess is fucking lame&i want it to be over. all the fighting&sadness&selfish grief for a baby boy we all loved alot.

sorry, didn't mean to get all serious on you. my braces are killing me. my orthodontist is rough. i have a fair pain tolerance so i don't complain but one day he will get a patient who does complain&he will have to be nice. he's not very friendly. he doesn't talk to me much so i don't talk to him. he brushed my teeth last visit. one of the oddest feelings in my life. i guess he forgets that mouths stop cause he kept jabbing the back of my throat with the toothbrush&it hurt. also when he was placing brackets he would pull my cheek way farther than i thought it could ever go. geez, mister, i know i have a small mouth but could you go easy on me?

so..in other news...absolutely nothing is happening. my mother is at work. no more rain but everything is still dripping. so i'm sitting here home alone congratulating anyone who read this far into my longass post. kudos to you, dear friend.

my eating has been a bit all over. i had that cinnamon roll this morning...no idea how many calories. prolly a million. &i had animal crackers&juice. so let's say i've had a 1,000,000,200 calories today. done for the day.

thinspo:

or:

 umm...once again, a fatass makes an average girl look thin. take your fingers (as many as it takes) &cover up the lard in white. see? the girl left of her has plenty to her. unless you want to move into a neighborhood where only the fat exist, don't let yourself be average. come on, little ladies, we're stronger than that.

xoxo

zette

p.s. there's a bird in my yard that has apparently learned to wolf whistle&will not stop. it makes me smile.

12:19pm

ohmygod. just made a 68 on my test. so i made a 70 in the class. i passed. i don't give a shit at the moment about the fact that a 70 isn't a very good grade at all. i could have made a better grade on the final. the 3 girls around me (including miss skinny melonie) were cheating off each other cause they studied together. but i didn't. so oh well.

so now that i'm done with my college classes i'll have a bit more free time. cheers for more walks in the park, guitar practice, writing, reading, &sleeping. hopefully sleep without interruption via nightmares. cause that got old as soon as it started.

in other news, more awards going around i'll post my list&nominations another time. i'm going to curl up on the couch with lemon water&a silly novel. cause i can now. cause i passed my economics class. sorry...i keep mentioning it. but i'm excited about that. i made a C&i don't even care cause i passed. shabam.

thinspo:

or:

umm...why is it that people who think they know everything about weight loss&eating disorders tend to be so....big? i dunno either. just saying. stay strong today. it's worth it. you guys are awesome&i so couldn't do this without you. thanks for sticking with me.

xoxo

zette

7:47am

slept on the couch last night so i wouldn't have to make my bed. ultimate laziness. but my mother just woke me up making her "green drink" as she calls it. it's a bunch of spinach&apple juice&fruit all blended together. it comes out more brown than green. sounds like a good healthy breakfast right? well sure. but then my mother also has eggs with tons of cheese&veggies, &then usually toast with something on it. &then she complains about her weight. 240 or something? wow mother. control yourself.

umm okay cause you guys are awesome i'm making my font small again, in case you couldn't tell. for those of you with vision problems you should know how to zoom in by now. just press control-plus on your keyboard until it's big enough. (Ctrl +) but i think i will post a little more of what i eat. i'm fine with that. no this doesn't mean you have escaped my nonsense ramblings. just means you get a peek at my food journal. yesterday's total was 450 cause i had 6 raw green beans&6 snow pea pods&12 wheat thins. &yes i like that 6&12 are divisible by 3&then i had 3 different things on my plate. actually in my bowl. why did i use a bowl? silly me. no breakfast yet. i might just fast today, my mother will be working all day so i can get away with it. &i have the best ana buddy ever so i can do it. cheers for fasting.

 anyhow, i have an economics test tomorrow morning over chapters 1-14. this class got confusing to me around chapter 3. i'm screwed. my mother is going to murder me. i'm going to be studying all day anyways just in case something clicks&i can suddenly remember what i've learned. if god refused to make me smart then why did he have to make all my siblings smart? comparatively, i'm the worst everything in my family. my brother is going to be an electrical engineer. my sister will be a nurse. my other sister is a stay-at-home mom but she could do anything she wanted even so. my other sister is a part time alcoholic&artist, going to school to be a nurse. &then there's zette. zette who failed algebra freshman year with a 58 even with a great teacher. zette who doesn't know how to fix computers or people. zette who is going to fail her economics test tomorrow. silly little stupid little sullen little zette. but it's zette who is fasting today.

colorful thinspo:

 or:

the ongoing battle between skinny&curvy. guys like curvy, girls like skinny. unless you feel the need to base your goals on what a guy wants, starve on. go to google images&type in "curvy". you get one model&a bunch of fat chicks. people used to tell me how curvy i am. my mother told me a couple of nights ago how curvy i am. we were shopping. i was disgusted. i put down the little dress i was going to try on&i bought a hoodie instead...to hide my curves. thanks mother, for reminding me.

xoxo

zette

2:09pm

i suppose i should mass reply to some complaints i've gotten.

first of all, i'm told i don't tell you guys enough about my intake. well okay, i'll fix that. easy enough. plus it's a good way to be held accountable. so far today i had ovaltine for breakfast (200ish) &a small plum for lunch (50ish). besides that i had a bit of limeade which should bring my total so far up to 300. my mother will be at work around dinnertime so i'll choose something small out of the fridge to throw away.

second, my font. apparently it's too small. well, fine. i don't want to change it but for my darling readers....

third, no stats. oh cry about it. i don't want to post my stats. i feel disgusting already, i'd rather not broadcast exactly what i weigh.i think i've already discussed this, so i'll leave it at that.

i was listening to flyleaf today (shocker, i know) &a song called "eyes to see" has the lyrics "if you had eyes to see down inside your stomach you would understand what i need, who i am." hmm....just thinking about it. i don't understand it but i like it.

thinspo:

or:

i love victoria beckham. i want my legs to look like hers, so that my thighs aren't much bigger than my calves. or you can give up now&accept being curvy. gross. please don't.

xoxo

zette

6:48pm

went grocery shopping with my mother. asked for just about everything. as you already know, it's important that my mom consider me normal. i frequent the kitchen for snacks when she's home. when she leaves for work i take the snacks i didn't feed to surprise&put them in the trash can outside. when i'm home alone i avoid the kitchen, only opening the refrigerator for more water&lemon juice. i will be small no matter what it takes. i'm disgusting. i don't want to weigh myself until the mirror tells me i'm doing well. with all the shit i've been going through i need to concentrate on something i can control. cheers for control. for having my head on straighter than it was. for having all of you lovely ladies to keep me going. for being able to ignore the voices inside&outside of my head that tell me to give up for whatever reason. i can do this. i know i can. there aren't a whole lot of things i can do but i know i can lose weight. i just have to lose enough.

thanks for sticking with me on my roller coaster. i know some days i can be a bit nasty. kudos for all your support.

thinspo:

or:

ummm fat people make average people look skinny. either never hang out with a thin person again or just quit eating. kapeesh? simple but not easy, i know. that's what i'm here for. to kick you in the butt when you want to quit.

xoxo

zette

2:12pm

mothers day. oh boy. my sister was going to get her a tea kettle. my mother bought herself one. i was going to pay for her to get a haircut. she got her hair cut yesterday. why so difficult? fuck it. i'll just clean the house.

in other news, if one more person comes up to me&tells me how sorry they are for my loss, i am going to slap them&then i am going to scream. i don't care that they're sorry. they're not as sorry as i am. sorry that i ever complained about babysitting jude. sorry that i ever handed him off to my sister when he got heavy. sorry that i didn't appreciate spending the first two weeks of his life taking care of his sister&his mother. sorry that i'm already breaking my promise. i promised i wouldn't remember him hooked up to all those machines. but i do remember. &i remember him being unhooked. &i remember my sister screaming for him&i know those screams will haunt my dreams for a long time. &i remember kissing him goodbye. i remember him cold&small&blue&gone.

i am sad. i am fat. i am angry. i am being rude to people&it's not their fault. but i am trying to do better. i'm trying to keep up with encouraging you guys. sorry i'm doing such a lousy job.

thinspo:

or:

if you're going to let yourself go at least get a little sun on that vampire skin.

cheers to all of you who are doing well&to those of you feeling unmotivated.

xoxo

zette