10:42pm

fuck. i have a test in the morning. fuckfuckfuck. i forgot about it. why do i need to know definitions for parts of speech? boo college.

i'm down a pound. go me. your emails help lots. go you. plus i have an awesome ana buddy. go her.

i'm going to bed to study. oh&the run i went for earlier? turns out i've lost most of my endurance so it was more of a jog/walk. oh well. maybe my legs will get smaller. damn this curvy body.

love you, darlings. think thin. thin is in&fat is bad. speaking of fat, i can hear my mom eating in the other room cause my door is open. she just keeps eating&eating...i wanna throw up. but nothing would come up, because i'm empty. it's a good feeling. of course, you already knew that. stay strong, lovelies. we can do this.

3:13pm

warning: i am extremely selfish sometimes. it's really hard for me to be happy for people when they recover. it's hard for me to imagine working so hard for something&then just throwing it away in order to be happy. especially when they completely cut off the people who were there for them the entire time they held ana. fuck you. that goes out to M, S, N, K, &P. i hope you're happy, whatever you weigh now.

i'm ready for warmer weather. but not summer, when it sometimes gets above 100. fucking heat lasts for months. makeup melts off, running is miserable, &wearing jeans is a death sentence. i suppose i'm impossible to please. however, today's weather is fantastic so i'm going running after i post this.

to those of you who have been there for me, a giant thank you. i remember being surprised at having 10 followers&now i'm almost up to 60. to the shy ones who email instead of posting comments, you make me laugh. so let's keep going, kids. we can do this.

thinspo for you lovely creatures:

or:

hell no. since i'm determined to reach (maybe pass) my goal weight by bikini season, i'm gonna get a new suit. my current one is fine, but not very cute. hmmm.....stay strong, lovelies. we're gonna be so hot.

xoxo

zette

12:35pm

getting up for school this morning sucked. my bed was warm&my room was not. &i was nervous about the quiz in economics. economics is a bitch. i suck at it. (obviously..i made a 72 on the aforementioned quiz) i had a headache from getting my teeth yanked out of my head&my stomach hurt. but  i pulled some pants on over my penguin underwear&found my hoodie. i look like shit today&i don't care. anyhow, i'm home from school&i have until 3:15 to make my mom think i ate lunch. that won't be hard.

i can't decide how often to weigh myself. morning&night? once a day? once a week? help me out.

thinspo:

 

or:

 

grody. (i say grody instead of gross most of the time. get over it)

so..three thin girls&one fat. not a hard choice as far as role models go. being fat is convenient. it takes work to be thin. we can do it. stay strong, lovelies. don't be anybody's fat friend.

xoxo

zette

6:32pm

L wanted a picture. here it is. i'm going to stop typing before i throw up. gross!!

 

xoxo

zette

p.s. no more pictures until i reach my goal weight, kapeesh?

1:59pm

got 2 teeth pulled this morning. &i had to clean my room so my brother could install my birthday present. (a ceiling fan in my favorite favorite favorite color:purple. iloveit)

so since i'm on a liquid diet cause of the teeth (or lack thereof) all i've had today is part of a bolthouse farms drink which is mostly fruit. just a tip, if you pour a serving in a blender with some ice it makes a really good smoothie. i've had half a serving, so about 80 calories, &some sparkling mineral water.

oh, so the scale i got tells you the fat&water percentages. it's frustrating. the only number i care about is the pounds, but the others are there anyways, screaming at me to avoid the kitchen. i suppose that's a good thing.

i'm waiting for my mom to leave for work so i can finish cleaning my room with my music too loud&do all my workouts 100x each. mm, i love being home alone. i'm trying to keep up with everyone's blogs. i follow a bazillion. some don't really post anymore so i might quit following those. maybe.

thinspo for you, darling:

or:

 let's not kid ourselves. a little extra weight is noticeable. &it's not cute.

let's be cute, shall we? stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

2:49pm

i'm way tired today. i'll be studying for economics all day&trying not to stop moving. calories, please just go away. i've found that doing 100 each of my favorite workouts wears me out&it feels so good. for some, like crunches, i have to do 2 sets of 50 with a little break in between.

oh&i got a scale today. i like it. &i hate it. all at the same time. funny how that works. it'll be fun to watch that number drop.

thinspo for the lot of you:

 

 

or:

 

a little bit different from my normal thinspo, hope you don't mind.

stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, i'm aware i haven't posted my age. if i did, you wouldn't take me seriously. i'll leave you to your guessing.

10:16pm

fuck!!

got my hair cut with my sister. it's not very different. still a little past my shoulders. more layers&she trimmed my bangs. i kinda want to chop it off but i haven't had short hair in forever. so layers for now. baby steps, right?

here's the fuck part. my sister announced that we'd go to dinner after the salon. are you fucking me? stupid stupid stupid. i really flipped out. had an anxiety attack, which i hadn't in a long time. i thought i was over that already. thanks to my ana buddy though i calmed down enough to fix my makeup&put on a smile for B. of course i couldn't get out of dinner. so pad thai&egg drop soup&egg rolls all climbed down my throat. then slid out when i left to "brush my teeth". gross.

we went to old navy after dinner&i bought two t-shirts. just simple v-necks. one purple&one grey. they're smalls. i'll never be an extra small there. even when i'm only bones, my torso is too long. damn this disproportional body.

then i came home&did 100 crunches, 100 lunges (each leg), 100 legs lifts, 150 jumping jacks, &punches in between. (you know, where you hold your breath&punch the air until you need a breath again. i don't remember who i got the idea from but thank you, whoever you are)

i still feel disgusting. days like today i just want to give up. to eat what everyone else eats&be healthy&average&to never see a mirror again.

no. i can't give up.i've given up so much for this goal already. when i'm thin then nothing else will matter. i'll be okay. i think.no, i know i will be. i finally found an ana buddy who isn't competing with me&there's zero junk food in the house except a giant thing of chinese candy. it's all chewy so i can't have any. score. plus with so much time alone i can be constantly moving, which will help. yes. i can do this. so long as you guys don't bail on me. you guys are awesome&i'm glad i have you. for real. sorry for the long post. didn't mean to ramble.

xoxo

zette

p.s. optimistic but frustrated.

10:50am

didn't sleep very well. had an awful nightmare&didn't sleep much after that. all in all about 4 hours. gonna be a long day for me.

emergen-c supplement for breakfast. i'm home alone until 4ish, then getting my hair cut with B (oldest sister for those confused). 4 is way after lunch&way before dinner so i should be safe. then she'll drop me off to skate with my buddies. so if all goes as planned, my intake for the day will be 25 calories. it should be easy, especially with my awesome ana buddy.

thinspo, of course:

or:

 nonono. we will not be the fatter one. food isn't worth it. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

2:57pm

update from my pity party post this morning.

school was fun, first class was canceled so we just hung out in the room&played around on facebook. second class was good, jorge passed around a piece of notebook paper for everyone to sign&his friend told the teacher it's my birthday. so mr. felder shut the door&they all sang happy birthday. then i got a hug&a kiss on the head. haha i love my teacher. oh&i got $8 in donations. score.

then i came home. my mom bought a big ice cream pie thingy like we do every year. i had a tiny slice&purged, &as soon as she leaves i'm doing crunches until i can't. i'll have to drink alot of water today. &my mom wants to take me to dinner at this chinese buffet place like we do every year. shitshitshit. i see lots of purging in my future....

anyhow, i miss V already but i can't do anything about it so whatever. think i'll take my dog running later&then a million pushups for my binge. ughhh. yikes i'm complaining again. sorry. lots of free time today so i'll be catching up on all your blogs.

thinspo for your monday:

or:

umm, better to be thin with okay hair than fat with great hair. just saying.

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

7:46am

well V is gone now. still having mixed feelings about that. mixed, but mostly sad. &i've gotta pretend to be happy. i'm supposed to be happy.

happy fucking birthday to me.

xoxo

zette

5:34pm

fuck. well today has been good&bad. good cause B took me shoe shopping&i got bright blue converse&some purple heels. ilovethem.

bad because it's my last day with V&cause my oldest sister decided to have a huge brunch for our whole family at her house. &i got put in charge of cooking the bacon. felt so sick cooking it. food smells awful on an empty stomach sometimes.

now i'm off to drama practice to run a script i left in V's car&therefore have not memorized. stupid stupid stupid me.

hope you guys are doing better than i am. i'll post thinspo when i can. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

2:16pm

sad that V is leaving, but stoked about being alone enough to finally lose the weight i want to lose. i still need a good scale.

oh&i got two more bottles of flavored carbonated water at target. 0 calories&it makes my stomach quit growling. love it.

thinspo as promised:

or:

goal? i will be no one's fat friend. stay strong, lovelies. we can do this.

xoxo

zette

7:09pm

i thought i would have until march before my sister moved out, but i only have until sunday. super lame. err, "i'm so happy her husband is coming home early from afghanistan&that they'll be together again". that's what i'm supposed to say, right? but i haven't. i haven't really said anything. i haven't even let myself say anything about the fact that she's leaving the day before my birthday. not that birthdays actually matter, but it counts for something (i'm a little kid in some ways). i'm torn between wanting to be alone&wanting to have my best friend rooming with me. who am i supposed to talk to about my other sisters to? i suppose i'll have to get used to talking on the phone. ugh. whatever. i can get through today....hopefully empty or close to it.

yesterday was fine until we went to B&C's to hang out. B made dinner&assumed i'd eat double what she did. cause i used to. when i ate whatever i felt like eating. it almost makes me mad that i let myself get to the size i did. i will never never never be 130 again.

i'll post thinspo later, i've gotta get ready for school. sorry for the major venting.

xoxo

zette

1:00pm

hmmm....180 cals so far today. V will be home soonish&i'm sure she'll want to eat. yikes.

good dose of thinspo:

 

 

or:

  

see? you don't even have to be very big for someone smaller to make you look like a fatass.

so stay strong, lovelies. be the smaller one.

xoxo

zette

8:19pm

fuck you&your recovery. i know that's awful but i don't want to hear about it. i suppose i should clarify. a certain someone told a certain someone that a certain someone noticed i don't eat much&that my jeans 'look looser'. first of all, creeper for noticing that my jeans don't fit. second, it's none of your fucking business. just because you think i have a problem you used to have doesn't mean i'm thrilled to hear about how you fixed it.

&for the record, this isn't a problem. it's a solution. fuck the world. what's it matter if a fatass is jealous?

also, bummed that my sister is moving out. i won't miss her tiny body fitting into things i can't, but i will miss all the stupid stuff she says. &feeding the ducks at the marina. haha. wish she didn't have to move so far away. lame.

okay, ranting over. 

for those asking in emails, my plan is the same as usual. fast when i can, purge when i can't. simple. but not always easy.

thinspo for you pretty things:

 

or:

 

ew. that's one for nightmares.

stay strong, lovelies. you can do this.

xoxo

zette

9:08pm

so yesterday sucked. went to pacsun for jeans&tried on a few pair that were a bit small. so my sister brought me a size up in black. yay, fat pants...then she bought the ones that didn't fit me for herself. fuckfuckfuck. i will be as small a she is someday dammit.

good part of the day was lunch. i skipped breakfast, cause i had school. so after shopping, lunchtime came&my sister wanted fast food of course. but after buying a pair of jeans in a huge size, i obviously wasn't hungry. so i told her i was cramping. score, she bought it&i got a smoothie for lunch instead. skipped dinner, too. today all i've had is part of a smoothie&a tall iced passion tea from starbucks.

today has been alright. i bought a fish. &my ana buddy rocks face. i'm glad i picked her.

p.s. i have decided that the fluctuation of the denim universe (ie different brands,=different sizes) does not excuse being a big size.

xoxo

zette

8:20pm

shitty day.

thinspo:

 

or:

 

ew.

xoxo

zette

11:48pm

valentines day was fine. i'm fine with being single. it'd be torture to make someone date me. no, really, i'm not a nice person. i love a select few people&the rest only sort of matter.

oh&my ana buddy is awesome (yes, i only picked one). just thought i'd throw that in there.

i'll post thinspo tomorrow. pinky promise.

p.s. i swear these jeans are looser than they used to be. hellz yeah.

xoxo

zette

4:54pm

i've eaten SO much today. i feel disgusting. i swear i already look fatter.

fuck!!

xoxo

zette

10:43pm

i'm gonna do as many pushups as i can&then go to bed.

thinspo for your dreams:

(she looks like a little kid but she's 16. not fair)

orrr:

hmm...must suck to be the biggest. come on lovelies, stick with it. stay strong&don't let anyone tell you that you can't have what you want.

sweet dreams.

xoxo

zette

12:56pm

"I am going to lunch I will chat with you later!"

of course she's going to lunch. cause that's what normal people do. normal people who get healthy&stay healthy.

but i don't want to be normal. i want to be thin, &i will be. eventually. slowly but surely. a certain someone offered to be my ana buddy. so we emailed for a while. then she got mad cause i lost more weight than she did. so she doesn't talk to me anymore. ugh. jealousy doesn't fix anything. i'd love to be 5'9" 108 like my old friend annabelle. but chances are i won't be getting any taller. so i told her how good she looks&kept my jealousy to myself. that's how you do it. kapeesh? golly girls are dramatic sometimes.

anyways, water for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, &water for dinner. i love being empty. 

chin up, lovelies. stay strong. you'll reach your goal weight. just don't give up.

p.s. i wonder why i never use exclamation points..? guess i'm just mellow.

xoxo

zette

7:29am

school is closed due to beautiful weather. i'm glad i live somewhere where snow stops time.

prolly stuck at home all day. maybe i'll put those 45's up on the wall&paint my bulletin board. maybe. maybe i'll find out where a snowball fight is taking place&join in.

what will prolly happen is this: i'll drink enough water to make my stomach quit growling. then i'll watch tv with V until she goes to work. then i'll hole up in my room&finish the jigsaw puzzle we started. then i'll practice piano, write some new lyrics, throw them away, &go to bed.

add "play in the snow" somewhere in there.

thinspo for your friday:

or:

 

hmm..i wonder who is the fattest of them all?

don't kid yourself. it's not hard to tell. 10 pounds or 100, fat is ugly ugly ugly. if you didn't agree with me you wouldn't be reading this right now, right? so think thin, running on empty is great. nothing weighs you down. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

6:17pm

6 inches of snow today. the weather is so random here sometimes. went sledding down a big hill behind walmart. it was awesome. i'm officially frozen.

my mom is making chili so i'll prolly eat that with my sister later, but besides that all i've had today is yogurt. &tons of water, as always.

i need to catch up on your blogs. shit i have to finish this essay first. you guys were supposed to remind me. i guess i'll let that slide just this once.

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

5:38pm

ohboy. my sister eats so much! why can't i eat that much&be as small as she is? i suppose we are different people, no matter how much our faces look alike.

i'm supposed to finish that essay today. or tomorrow. i should prolly do it today. i'm dead if i don't have it perfect by friday morning. yikes.

i've decided that i officially love my economics class&hate the homework. my english class is getting better. they keep me busy&;that's a very good thing.

alsooo, i volunteered to babysit my niece&nephew this weekend so b&c can go do something valentiney. um, &a guy i used to hang out with sent me the most ridiculous valentines card ever. it's all sparkly&shit. then on the inside he wrote a looong note about me. silly boys. gotta love them.

i'lldatewheni'mskinny.

i owe you guys some thinspo:

or:

friends don't let friends stay fat.

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette