1:08pm

home from school. one of the only ones in my class who has done any of the homework. stopped at target on the way home&got a cute skirt. it's a small. &when i took my hoodie off my mom said i look skinny. yes, skinny. my mom is 100lbs more than i am but still, she was the first to tell me i should lose weight so it made me smile to hear her say i look skinny. does that mean i'm happy with my weight now&that it's time to eat healthy&be normal? fuck no. it only encouraged me to keep going. yeauhhh.

the half hot pocket i ate came right back up, now it's just me&diet coke.

thanks for the emails, kids. they mean alot. stay strong lovelies. you can do this. still looking for an ana buddy. my old one still hasn't texted me. boooo. lemme know if you're interested.

xoxo

zette

7:39am

sat at starbucks for 5 hours yesterday doing my economics homework. &i only got 77 out of 90 questions done. glad it's not due until next week.

my weight is the same. shocker. ugh, this is frustrating. i know i set my goal weight at 115 but it's really my looks, not my weight, that matters. what do i want to look like? i'm not sure. just smaller than i am right now.

quick thinspo to kick off my day&yours:

the girls aren't even that big, but blondie just looks so much better.

xoxo

zette

7:45am

i wish my school weren't 45 minutes away. i hate getting up early for anything but running. i dressed my age today, ripped jeans, purple shoes, &a hoodie. usually i either dress like a punk, or like i'm 30.

why do i have to love running so much? i still have runner's legs, though they used to be even bigger&more firm. boo. hopefully in the summer i'll be much smaller, &tan fat looks better than pale fat. i'm pretty pale.

anyways, no breakfast. but V is off work today, so i'm sure she'll want me to join her in either lunch or dinner..or both. if i only lived alone. ughh.

well i should go make sure my madre is getting ready. she's always up for making me late for things&my teacher will shoot me if i'm late. i feel like such a baby in my college classes. fingers crossed i'm mature enough to pass as older than i am. george is copying off me again. he claims he did last semester, but then why did i get an A&he got a C? silly cheater.

golly, i'm rambling again. stay strong today, lovelies. you can do it.

p.s. ana buddy anyone? my old ana buddy moved to ohio or something&won't text me anymore. oh well.

10:28pm

my stomach hurts. but i'm slowly getting smaller.

bought a sports bra today for running. planning on running after school tomorrow, around noon. got some emotional stuff i needa work out&running helps with that.

i was supposed to read a chapter for economics. i think. but i don't remember which one. whatever. supposed to study vocabulary words for a english test friday. i'll get around to it. i will. school is definitely a priority for me, just not the first one.

sam says i'm tall&skinny. i think sam needs glasses. yes, she definitely needs glasses.

thinspo for your dreams:

or:

legslegslegs. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

3:56pm

having a hard time sleeping lately. so i'm way tired. so i'm way grumpy. &i'm still working on fixing the computer, so i might not be posting every day.

so far today has been okay. after school i had half an orange&alot of water, than ramen with V like old times, but i didn't keep it down. now i'm home alone so it's just tic tacs&water. taking the dogs to the park again later cause it's supposed to be way cold later in the week.

stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

8:49pm

fuck!!!!!!!

okay, on to the update. zoo for 4 hours, excluding the train ride there&back. i like taking the train. always interesting people around. mostly hung out with my niece while her parents argued about everything. fighting couples are so annoying. anyhow, ended the day saying hi to V at work&then getting dinner at an asian restaurant. (yes, i ate. no, i didn't keep it down.) anyhow, now i'm home..&happy as can be....not. why am i in tears again? i'm not sure. i've been crying alot lately, which is odd cause i'm not much of a crybaby, at least i try not to be.

i'm so frustrated. i need to lose weight but it keeps sliding down my list of priorities. not personally, but cause my family would totally flip if they found out. so i try to eat in front of them every meal. i don't eat when i'm alone. there's no reason to. but i seem to be getting less alone time lately. boo.

my army buddy was in town today. but i was at the zoo. so i missed him. super lame. i miss him tons, so hopefully i'll get to see him soon.

my nosy friend called to talk a few minutes ago. to apologize. fuck her. i hope she gets run over by a lawn mower.

as for my dramatic friend, she's been cool lately. not surprisingly, cause she's usually pretty cool. she's just sometimes...well, dramatic. going on about how i'm going to kill myself when i know if she were here she'd take it back. then sometimes she knows i'm just talking so she'll me to drop the bullshit&tell her what's actually going on. gotta love real people. except when they never have time to take a call. boo.

golly. i'm all about rambling tonight. thinspo is long overdue, yes?

so, without further ado:

 or:

 

 i don't care how pretty you are; do you really think you'd ever be able to see past the fat? ew.

xoxo

zette

9:30am

sorry i didn't post yesterday. just busy.

living thinspo in my economics class. the girl is tiiiiny. i don't even know her name but she sits in front of me to the left&takes away my appetite.

gross binge yesterday, my sister took me to cici's. took a break&purged in the middle of it but still, lots of pushups.

the plan is still to eat as little as i can get away with. weighed myself this morning&i feel disgusting. i'm telling myself i've just gained muscle, but weight is weight. ughh.

i'll post thinspo later. i'm gonna go running.

xoxo

zette

3:39pm

orthodontist appointment this morning. ouchh. &he decided to talk about my dad. double ouch.

whatever. so, what to do when your mom gets wendy's burger&fries cause she 'knows your hungry'? if we'd eaten there, i just would have purged. but we took it to go. so most of the fries went out the window, &i didn't touch the burger at all. i threw it away with the rest of the trash when we got home. go me.

anyhow, we have crazy awesome weather here today, so i'm taking the dogs to the park. then coming back here to play guitar on the back porch. my neighbors must love me. especially when i burst into song. don't you wish you lived in my neighborhood? haha

sooo, that's all. home alone until this evening, plenty of time to exercise. only going to the kitchen to refill my water bottle.

on a side note, i don't understand why people still call me so much. especially just to talk. there are a select few i like talking on the phone with. dramatic friend, army friend, & of course, V. i love my sister very much. she's pretty awesome.

oh, thinspo for you lovely things:

 or:

 don't be the fatty of the group. our legs will be small&our ribs will show themselves. stay strong, lovelies. &thanks again for the comments&emails. 36 followers? that's crazyyy. you guys are great.

xoxo

zette

4:43pm

i 'didn't have time for breakfast' before i went to school. then i came home&hung out with V until we left to run some errands. then we went to chipotle. i felt disgusting. she left to have coffee with her mother-in-law, so i've done 100 pushups in her absence.

shitty day. but school went well. my teachers seem really cool. english teacher is a former drill sargeant (big black guy) but he's nice. my economics teacher is a smartass&he's pretty funny.

anyhow, thinspo:

or:

sucks to be the fat friend.

xoxo

zette

9:46pm

going to bed. fuck fuck fuck my life. but yay for school in the morning.

thinspo for your dreams:

or:

xoxo

zette

2:50pm

so far today i had 1/4 cup organic corn flakes&a banana, lunch was an orange. i should be able to get away with not eating for the rest of the day. 400 calorie day isn't bad.

okay, the thinspo i promised:

or eww:

don't do it. don't you dare. stay strong, think thin.

xoxo

zette

8:33am

getting up earlier in preparation for starting school. here's what sucks about having classes an hour away. 1) my mother doesn't give a shit about being late or making someone late to anything, no matter how important. 2) class starts at 9, so we leave at 7:30, so i get up at 6:30, so it's dark&there's no light in my room. stupid 50-year-old house. 3) my mother wouldn't make a trip to the school, so i've gotta be early wednesday morning to get my books&then find my classes. hmm...

organic cereal for breakfast with 1/2 a banana (i hate spelling banana. i always put an extra 'na' by accident). well, when V gets up. i don't eat when i don't have to. i'm not disciplined, just stubborn. &yes, there's a difference. i'm not a very disciplined child at all. i could blame that on my insane childhood, but if everybody used abuse as an excuse, nobody would get anywhere in this world. so it's all me. i can do things when i want to. especially if someone says no. i'm hoping i can lose all the weight i want without my dramatic friend getting me transferred to a loony bin, where i'd undoubtedly fit in better.

cramps are gone. goody, cause i want to run today.

i suppose i'll talk about boys for once. a particular one is annoying me. he's a buddy of mine, &i've told him a gazillion times that's all we'll be, but he still likes me. which is fine, but he's all protective&paranoid, &touchy. i'm not often a touchy person. i can take a hug but i like my space. also, he'll randomly ignore me completely for a week. no texts back or anything. then all of the sudden he wants to talk. really? text me back once in a while, asswipe. this is prolly why i'm single. no patience at all. most of my guy friends are cool with it. the ones that aren't, aren't my friends anymore, so it works. okay. quick boy talk over.

my stomach hurts. i didn't eat last night, so i slept on empty&i plan on staying empty as much as possible today. i'll eat a little, so i can say i ate (there's a guy i don't lie to, ever. &he always asks. i adopted him as my daddy cause he's like super old, he's a soldier). but other than that, i'll just keep telling myself how thin i'll be. or just look in the mirror. yuck. plenty of motivation. i'll post thinspo later. V just woke up&is staring at the screen from the other side of the room. boo for the computer being in my room. (i'll take that boo back later, i'm sure)

xoxo

zette

8:33pm

so tired. i hope i'm not getting sick. my throat hurts like hell, as does my stomach. awesome.

watching csi while i paint my nails. my fingers aren't fat, so i'm okay with this. haha 

question on my mind today, how thin is that line between beautiful&heart failure? fatter than we are, i hope.

thinspo for your dreams:

 

 

or:

never never never will we be the coat ladies. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

1:11pm

mmm, it's monday. i start my two classes this wednesday. really hoping my teachers like me. hopefully i'll have tons of homework, thus more sleeping, thus less time awake, suspiciously avoiding food. i don't fast often. so long as i keep days under 500 cals, fasting just seems like an unnecessary stomachache.

anyhow, organic cereal&half a banana with 1/3 cup whole milk for breakfast. V&i did all our exercises, &i'll do them again...&again&again after my mom leaves. chocolate chip cookies are hiding in the kitchen. i will not touch them. though if i do, 100 pushups will help me not to next time. V said i have small arms. happy happy happy me. i disagree of course, but lies are sweet sometimes.

my birthday is next month. not sure what i want to do. if my dramatic friend hadn't stopped me, i'd be done with abc by then. stupid stupid stupid. i'm not actually mad at her. just in a bad mood cause i'm cramping like crazy. good excuses to skip meals though. i think i'll take the dogs to the park lately. maybe let them off leash by accident....surprise loves that.

anyways, thanks for the emails. they're super sweet.

thinspo to kick off your week? yes:

or:

yikes. let's shrink, shall we? stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

7;13pm

just got home from seeing sherlock holmes. good movie. smell of popcorn made me feel a little sicky though. got a slush at sonic before the movie. of course, no outside food or drink is allowed. but i told them i'm diabetic. so they let me go. i didn't drink even half of it, mind you. i made sure to share.

anyhow, time to stretch for leg lifts. convinced my mom i filled up on popcorn so dinner wasn't a problem. oh the lies we lie. an art in its own way, don't you think? &in the end we'll be the prettiest artists ever.

thinspo for your dreams, whenever they come:

or:

her face is fine. but the rest is ew.

think thin, lovelies, &stay strong.

xoxo

zette

9:08am

confession time. i fasted until like 8:30pm yesterday. then V&i went to my sister B's house&of course we had tacos&then ice cream. luckily, my braces excused me enough time to purge. still broke my fast, but not a big fuckup.

black coffee for breakfast (still getting used to the taste), along with lots of water. don't really have a plan at the moment. just getting by eating as little as i can get away with. i haven't weighed myself still. only cause i don't think i've lost much, &i'm feeling okay right now; i don't want to screw it up.

i've gotta run. think thin, stay strong. you can do it. &remember, if you get stuck in a binge cycle, don't beat yourself up for it. it happens to everybody once in a while. just get back up&keep going.

xoxo

zette

8:46am

had an okay day yesterday. had a bite of lamb curry at lunch, then some fruit cause V&i went to a baby shower about dinnertime. it was kind of fun, we cracked wire hanger abortion jokes in the kitchen while all the people who like babies were in the living room.

anyhow, i'm not sure how much i'll be posting. our computer is sicko (virus) so i'm putting my itunes on cd's cause when my brother 'fixes' it, it'll be basically a new computer. boo. already tried removing tons of programs, scanning it&then removing more stuff, using trojan removers&all that. my brother is in school to be an electrical engineer so he answers all our computer questions. smarty pants.

started the day with yelling. my mom woke me up by standing in m doorway&yelling at me to clean up. i dunno if i've said this before, but i really hate being yelled at. hate hate hate it. i can take all that she says if she says it normally, but when she yells..ughh. i've been all bummed out since last night, when i cried about nothing. nothing at all. just cried. for an hour. seriously? i'm not a big cryer lately, but that was a ridiculous sobfest last night. whatever. still have that clingy sad feeling today. oh well.

fasting to make myself feel better. if i slip up, it's 100 pushups added on to the ones i already to every day. they wear me out like crazy. stay strong, ladies. it'll get better.

thinspo weekender-legs:

or:

my thighs don't touch right now, but if they ever do again i'll cut them til they don't. i kid, but i really do hate my legs mucho.

xoxo

zette

10:30pm

waiting for V to get home from work. going with her to work tomorrow, to sit at starbucks&go shopping, it's only a 4 hour shift. then we're going to her coworker's baby shower. yuck.

i've behaved myself okay today. purge purge purge. plus 100 pushups to remind myself not to eat next time.

eating habits. just thinking about them. little things, like the way fatasses get the next bite to their lips before they even finish chewing. &the way small bites seem a waste of time. it's gross. not ladylike at all. (i say this sitting crisscross applesauce in athletic shorts&a huge tshirt. i'm just SO girly.)

anyhow, working on keeping my days below 1000 calories. once i've got that normal, i can go down to 700&then 500. nervous about hiding it though. yikes. but no worries. i can do it. 

elyse sewell is so small...thinspo for your dreams:

or:

gross. just sleep on an empty stomach. that's all ana would ask tonight.

xoxo

zette

10:34am

my sister&i drove 2 hours to a city south of here last night, got home around 2am. visited my sister (who is super skinny) &her fiance. had a pretty good conversation on the way home. she's still asleep.

anyhow, got calories out of the energy drinks it took to stay awake, &whatever was in the super healthy tasteless soup we had at my other sister's house after babysitting.

i guess the whole sister think is confusing so i'll give them initials. V lives with me&her husband is in afghanistan. B lives in the town 2 hours south of here with her fiance (&a cat named meatballs, cause their neighbor has a dag named spaghetti). B is married with 2 kids. S is my brother. better?

alright. well i'm gonna make an egg&leave the pan dirty. the whole 'let's not&say we did' thing is coming in handy. surprise likes eggs. i'm glad she's not a picky eater.

my house is freezing. i mean i know some of you guys have it way colder, but it doesn't usually get very cold here at all. so i'm a sissy about it. my fatass mother, of course, is never cold.

thinspo for thursday:

or ew:

Publish Post

not in a thousand years.

xoxo

zette

3:32pm

oh boy. new music makes me happy. i won't say "music is my life", because it isn't. but it's a big part of it. from sitting around playing guitar to writing lyrics that i'll never get around to putting music to, to listening to music for hours without getting bored. i think i like that there are no rules.

sooo my sister is pretty annoying today. well, she's prolly not acting differently. i'm just in a bitchy mood. supposed to babysit our niece&nephew with her later. i might not. i don't like babysitting&it doesn't help when i'm in such a bad mood. p.s. babies&pregnant people are ew.

on to the food. except not really. i feel gross today. let's see...50 exercises each instead of 30 each? that should make me feel better. yes, i think it will.

thinspo for your wednesday:

or there's always:

stay strong. think pretty. think thin. think perfect.

xoxo

zette