8:17pm

fuck. so thanksgiving made me gain a pound but i've lost 6 since then so i forgave myself. mostly. i feel sick today. had to get up early to babysit for 5 hours. doing it again tomorrow&on thursday. i don't want to. but i need the money. so oh well. the kids are great. the oldest should be at school tomorrow so it's just a 4 year old boy&twin 2year old girls. they're cute&mellow&it should all be good. i'll grab a 5 hour energy to help me through it though. oh, my reason for posting. i thought of you guys because someone sent me a youtube video of "cassie's confession". remember her? from antm? i liked her. mostly i liked that she didn't seem emotional at all. &the plus-size model leaned over&said "girls with eating disorders are hardcore." i don't have an eating disorder. not really. but still. i dunno. anyway, sorry i've been gone. i know, another empty apology. blah.

thinspo:

or:

obviously, we're focusing on the lady in the blue tank top...who may have worn a white bra? yipes. oh well. let's compare her to the girl in the white t-shirt, black shorts, &converse. ohboy. being average is terrible, but being fat is worse. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. holyfuckilovecandycanes.

9:16am

all i'ma say about thanksgiving is weight gain-1lb.

didn't sleep well last night. gave up, took a sleeping pill, &worked out in my room until it kicked in. woke up dead tired. actually i don't know what dead feels like. but i know what useless feels like, &that's what my limbs are today. took surprise for a walk last night in the 39degree weather. wouldn't have been bad but it was too damn windy. ugh. anyway, bummed about the extra pound i'm carrying somewhere but i'm hoping it'll come off quickly. about to take surprise for a walk again, then just doing school until i'm home alone, around 3. then i can work the pound off. i'm pissed at myself for gaining. fuckkkkme.

thinspo:

or:

cheers for stripes. boo for crooked stripes. not sure if you can wear striped clothes? here's a hint: if it looks like your fat is trying to escape between the lines, you can't. stay strong today, lovelies. i know i have to.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else find thinspo fucking everywhere? the skinny cousin, the skinny friend, the skinny friend of the character on your favorite tv show, etc.

1:22pm

302 followers. damn. you people are nuts. &i appreciate youuu. hanging out with a friend today. doing some shopping. but i'm leaving my money at home&claiming to be broke because we will inevitably stop for lunch&i want to keep it under 300cals today in preparation for the nastiest holiday in the world tomorrow.

thinspo:

or:

 thin, average, bam. yes, her face is closer to the camera. but look at the shape. cropping pictures can't get rid of your fat figure. but hard work can. stay strong today, lovelies. it's so so so worth it.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thanks for the comments on the last post. you're sweeties.

10:12am

birthday party. got there at 7:30. everyone else had hot dogs, smores, chips, soda. i had apple cider&talked by the fire outside, avoiding the kitchen inside. i spent the night along with the birthday girl&4 guys. C. graced us with a dance in his underwear. i texted to keep my fingers busy. saturday was about 700 calories. oops. then sunday morning everybody woke up 2 hours after i did. why? because we stayed up until 4:30&i got up at 8. why? because workouts must be done. so i finished those&met everyone in the living room in time for breakfast. pancakes&bacon&hot chocolate. i had black coffee while everybody ate. i can prove it.

yes i'm on the very left in the baggy sweater. gross. anyway, hung out with my friend's mom all day. sounds lame, but she's newly single&forever a badass. we sat around&watched movies until 4 in the afternoon. lazy us. nothing else is new except i got wrinkle cream because i suddenly got paranoid about looking super old. yeah. sometimes i get a little carried away. oh well. as far as sickness goes, still have a stuffy nose, threw up last night half against my will (knew i was going to, felt awful, used my fingers to speed things along), but besides that i'm feeling okay. which means by tomorrow i should be able to do a double workout. i want jillian michaels to come yell at me&remind me i have a long way to go. i love her. you might not be able to comprehend how much i adore jillian. thank goodness hulu has some of her videos. or it did last time i checked. score. i'm sure you're sick of hearing about my weekend by now. hell, i'm sick of hearing about it.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny looking evil. the fatass behind her. i like this picture. don't be the jolly fatass. stay focused. i mean, smile, but don't let food get past you without a second&third thought. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i just painted my nails for the second time today. it's 10:55am. ohboy.

12:09pm

feeling a little better today. not as much of a grump.contrary to popular belief, i am reading your blogs. i just rarely have something to say. so i read your post, then read it again. &i've nothing to say most of the time. sorry. i'm working on it.

in brighter news, i have a birthday party to go to tonight. my childhood bestie is turning 18. so i'm going to make copies of two old pictures of us, stick them in a card, &buy her about 20pairs of socks. because when you have a friend who's father buys them a mercedes, you don't try to impress them. you go with something funny&personal. blah. love her to death though. anyway, a lot of her friends are cheerleaders, preps, just all around pretty people. so i'll straighten my messy curls&make my makeup as perfect as possible. i'd better get on that because my mother has some errands to run&i want to drive. hello, shoulder pain. haven't been around lately. gahh i'm so ADD sometimes. um....skinnies. right. winter. yes.

thinspo:

or:

how do these 20year olds manage to look 12? oh well. skinny&a not-so-skinny. &they're matching. i love today's thinspo. i really really do. cozy&frigid all in one. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else adore big sweaters&coats? piles of fabric on top make my legs look...not as huge as usual. hm.

11:35am

guess who is sick again? yeah, that'd be me. my mother is poking her head in every few minutes with a new task for me. i feel like i got run over by a truck. my head is achy&clogged. my joints are sore. just generally feeling terrible. but she insists that things need to be done. one of the many drawbacks of homeschooling is that you do not get sick days. at least not in my house. if you can breathe, you can do algebra. luckily my stomach hurts, so even if i wanted to eat my body is telling me no. thanksgiving is less than a week away, isn't it? fuck it. i'll bring a bag of salad to share with everybody. i'll spend lots of time outside roaming the familiar acreage. i'll be okay this year. i hope. my texting buddies better be ready. today's thinspo is a young lady named brittany.

thinspo:

or:

a silly picture for once. not sure what's up with the tissue, but the girl in the reddish hoodie&jeans is absolutely darling. they look young for college students. hmm...stay strong today, lovelies. be the tiny friend.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else have parents that are just not nurturing at all?

9:58am

made a sandwich for breakfast. was planning on eating half. put the plate crooked on the desk. set the sandwich back down&the plate nearly fell. made me think of what that food will do to my body fat percentage. just tea for me, thanks. had a particularly awful dream last night. the...thing, lucy, that i told you about was in it as usual. but it didn't do anything. just stared. not sure how, it has no eyes, but i knew it was staring at me. &i ran, but my legs were on fire, burning away as i went. i'll leave out the other details. made me wake up feeling sick though. dear brain, please stop conjuring up such images while i am supposed to be resting. guess i can't hope to escape my mind. so i'll distract it with a morning playlist of regina spektor&bob marley. cheers.

checking facebook, everyone hates something today. "i hate mornings." "sometimes i hate my family." "i friggin hate school." "i hate being sick." i'm tempted to make rude comments. i shouldn't. though since i have over 500 friends on facebook (too many. how the fuck do i know so many people?) losing a few wouldn't hurt. but i shouldn't. my niece will be over here soon. i hope she still wants to go to the park. i want to run around&climb&swing with her. in other words, burn calories. wow. at least i'm focused.

my mother just came in my room to give me a speech on getting more stuff done. a speech she should listen to. oh, sure, she works. but why does she insist on homeschooling me if she's just going to give me the books&leave me to it while she plays piano?? fucking idiot.

thinspo:

or:

average vs skinny. it's winter. it's cold. why warm up with hot food when tea is just as filling? remember that today, ladies. &email me if you need a kick in the teeth. or a pep talk. or whatever. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anybody else like hula hooping? &do your ribs get sore where it hits them?

8:56am

first things first. lulu's blog was discovered by someone who shouldn't have so whether you were following her before or not go follow her new one: http://www.purify-me.blogspot.com/

highlights of yesterdayish: more nightmares about lucy, mixed feelings about having a new niece or nephew, two chicken nuggets, purging, too much time in starbucks sketching, tea, more tea, a burned finger, &a snuggly kitten.

thinspo:

or:

there are lots of fat girl pictures but they are useless to me if there is no one in the picture for contrast. so today we have skinny, fat, &average, in that order. stay strong today, lovelies. you've picked the category you want to be in so stick to it.

xoxo

zette

p.s. any of you lovely ladies like candles as much as i do? i got a new one, peppermint frost. i've burned quite a bit of it already. it smells clean&warm, &i can put my hand over it when my fingertips get numb.

p.s.s. anyone else write reminders on themselves? i have "NO" on my left inside wrist.

8:55am

people like to make me their project. right, right they're just trying to help me. i don't think i've been acting differently&we all know i don't look much different. but people are constantly asking if i'm okay. of course i'm okay. i'm always okay. i'm invincible.

thinspo:

or:

stripes. they are reserved for people who wear them well. i can't even wear stripes. my waist is tiny which makes my hips look big. don't even get me started on the monster arms i have. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes i do like formal/prom/dance pictures for reverse. when people are dressed similarly it's easy to compare. i'm evil.

2:56pm

was out of town thursday, friday, &saturday. sorry. anyway, it sucked. i didn't bring much money so i figured i'd be safe but i wasn't. my friend wanted dessert all the time. blah.oh well. home eating broccoli-kale soup. pretty good. catching up on your posts&emails now.

thinspo:

or:

i'd like to point out the girl on the very left. then the girl on the very right. big vs. small.just saying. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. to answer andie's question, the thinspo is from lookbook.

1:26pm

just got home from the orthodontist. he put two screws in my gums. he calls them mini implants. that made me smile. until he put them in. the topical anesthetic wore off after 5 minutes or so. fucking hurts. i have soup. i think that's all i want. &not hot soup. or anything cold. room temperature things in my mouth only. going to hang out with my friend this weekend. prolly just today&tomorrow. i've got a great, visible excuse to turn down most food. ferrealz ladies, my mouth hurts like crap. i took two ibuprofen but still. i'd rather unscrew them from the bone&be done with them but i know i should keep them clean&let them heal. they're tearing my lips up. this is zette being whiny. she's in a shitty mood&niceness should not be expected.

thinspo:

or:

this one is just fat vs. average. no, make that hippo vs. human. bonus, look at the ladies behind them to the right. walrus, seems their animal equivalent.anyway, the girl in pink doesn't look all that great, either. scroll back up&examine the three skinnies. that's closer to my goal. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. favorite over-the-counter sleeping medication? i'm in the market for something to fight my active brain.

9:53am

yesterday went great until the great big goddammit of it all. i was at 400cals with 200 left for a small dinner. but then my mother picked me up from the park (wow, i sound 6years old) &the whole car smelled like food. to avoid it, i settled into the drivers seat&rolled down the window. i sang. i usually sing when i drive. i'm not sure why. there's not even a radio in my mother's ancient nissan. am i crazy? (don't answer that.) i love driving. i think because (looky, i've stopped saying just ''cause'') i'm new to it&it's a helluva lot better than being home.  wait..i had something else to say...oh right, the food. so it turns out she had gotten fried chicken for me. &wheat thins, &some cranberry swiss cream cheese i'd been eying at the store. why? because i'm getting screws drilled into my mouth on thursday&she wanted to treat me to some things i like since i won't be able to have them for a while after. dammit mother, i was happy about that. oh well. had half a piece of chicken with the scab-textured skin removed for breakfast is 180. that&emergen-c blue. you're welcome, immune system.

your comments on the last post were interesting. it's pretty jib to hear our first ana encounters. i worded that oddly. but you know what i mean. i hadn't even really considered those girls until one of them popped up in my dream, years later. i wonder what they're up to now? guess i'll never know. but i like to imagine they're thin&beautiful&strong as ever.

thinspo:

or:

i realize that you have plenty to hold that dress up. but that doesn't mean you should have worn it, &certainly not next to the little lady in purple. the kiddie hair clip needs to go, too, but that's not important right now. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i've been shopping around for ankle weights. not sure which weight to get. or should i get adjustable ones? opinions, please.

8:35am

thanks to daylight savings i'm crashing earlier&getting up earlier. i don't like it. since i prefer to avoid my mother, i try to go to bed way after she does&then get up after she does. binge last night. purged (salsa hurts) but i only had energy to work out for an hour after in my room. fail. but today will be better.

i had a dream last night&only realized this morning what it was from. this might be long so feel free to skip down to thinspo&move on with your life. when i was a kid (maybe 10 or 11) my mother used to drag me to these meetings for some preacher she liked every time he was in town. i got tired of it so i'd take a book&something to draw with&wait outside the auditorium in most places. well on one of those nights i was in the bathroom playing with my super curly hair&a girl walked in. she was maybe in her early twenties. but the only thing i noticed was that she was beautiful. blonde hair, blue eyes, a thin face with sunken cheekbones&a long, thin body. i stared at her. she smiled at me. we both walked out. later, i was sitting at a table in the lobby&got busy eavesdropping on two people talking. all i remember them saying was something like "she&her friends did a contest at school to see who could lose the most weight. she won but hasn't stopped since. we try to keep telling her, you know, the contest is over. you can eat normally now. but nothing is working. she just keeps losing weight." 10year old zette's introduction to the slightly morbid, completely pretty world of ana. the contrast of her beauty&her brother's disapproval didn't hold anything for me. the only other time i, as a kid, saw someone underweight was at my sister's high school. as a little kid i could listen in on things without being scolded cause i was just damn cute. anyway, the girl was all bones. her spine showed through her shirt, even her neck was bony. her arms were so small they seemed to go on forever in length. her mother gave the counselor a sad look&ushered the girl out to the parking lot. i didn't get to see her face. just her slim body&thin brown hair. but it was incredibly interesting to me, these young ladies who showed their bones. i didn't think about them much after that until i looked up thinspo for the first time when i started this blog. i wanted to tell the whole world what was going on with me without having to tell anyone. that's what i figured, you know? that nobody would ever see my blog. it would just be a diary with a password. but then someone was following me&i saw that her blog was very similar to mine. then another, &another. so now i'm here with you lovely ladies, so many of which i fit in with comfortably. thanks for everything, kiddies.

thinspo:

or:

look closely at the girls in the foreground. they're lovely. now look to the left&to the right of them. who invites whales to dances? i don't know, either. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm trying to read your posts&comment, my mother is just pissy lately&rather nosy. sorry.