2:26pm

went running this morning. didn't run long. so i ran again at noon, for only 40 minutes. pathetic. 640 calories yesterday. 1360 less than some normal people eat. but 40 more than i'm supposed to. whatever. i promised pictures today, didn't i? damn. was hoping to put that off for another forever. lets get this over with.

love handles? ew.

if whales had legs, they'd look like that.

why do my arms look so big? nasty.

hugelegshugelegshugelegs.

okay, let's push those images out with some prettier ones.

thinspo:

or:

 well they all look good compared to the girl on the far left. but turquoise has legs i'm jealous of. stay strong today, lovelies, so you can not be a fatass like me.

xoxo
zette

11:03am

hey look, i got up before noon. i get the feeling this will be long so scroll down to the thinspo if you want. i got to see my niece yesterday for a bit. they came over to take my mother to lunch for her birthday. my niece is super cute. i went out to the car to see here&told her to tell mimi happy birthday before she got there. she did. good kid. anyway, my kitten is inside until her face heals up. i forget what a handful she is. one or two of you got spinny's input on a comment this morning cause she keeps walking on the keyboard. got a music book out last night. thinking of teaching myself to read music again. yes, again. my mother taught me piano. but i sucked at it. a friend taught me guitar. i sucked at that, too. i can play both by ear though.i don't know why i brought that up. but while we're on the subject, i sing, too. well, when i'm happy. so not lately. but sometimes.

i don't know what to do with myself. i'm of no use to anyone. i don't fit in anywhere very nicely. i hang out with people my own age&act as immature as they are. it's fun. until it's not. then i hang out with adults&they act like i'm 10. so i hang out with my kitten&my dog. they like me just fine. (this makes me picture shirley temple saying "i'm going home to my mother. she loves me, even if my clothes are old&ugly")

the weather is nice today. sunny but cool. i'll post an update picture tomorrow, mmk? cause i've been getting emails wondering&since i won't tell anybody my weight, i can at least show you guys, right? look forward to lots of blubber.

thinspo:

or:

girl closest to the camera. in the red dress. i'd have worn different shoes, but when someone is that size they can wear whateverthefuck they like. oh brother. i feel huge. stay strong,  lovelies.

xoxo

zette

10:46pm

my posts used to be "am". but now they are "pm". i don't know why i post at night now. but i do. better than not posting at all, i suppose. &i do like waking up to find comments in my email inbox (i get email notifications just in case someone finds my blog&i have to delete it...that way i can still find you guys. yeah, paranoid.) so...i don't have much to say. i'm finding that all i look okay in are hoodies&other oversized things. like the shirt i have on now. it looks like this:

excuse the bedhead. i didn't do much today. not that i ever do much lately. i do leave the house at least once a day&go to the park. i either run or i walk. either way, i'm told sunshine helps with zombieness. (depression seems like a gritty word.) despite my ginormosaurus size i feel small..&cold&useless. like all that hope i had, has been used up&now maybe i can cry. except not...cause crying is stupid. today was okay except surprise's skin is getting worse. it looks like demodectic mange. i hope i'm wrong cause i'm broke. &spinolio came in with a cut on her face. below her nose&above her mouth. it's small. but bloody. i'm tired of playing vet. i'm tired. i want to go to sleep&fall into the coldness that seems to follow me. i'm kind of done. but tomorrow i have things to do. people to hang out with. cheers for a much-practiced fake smile.

thinspo:

or:

again with the matching. school spirit is great, but please don't wear those shorts again, fatass. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

10:48pm

z-"i know. i cut again tonight. stupid stupid stupid."

r-"why?"

z-"just got frustrated."

r-"why so frustrated?"

z-"lost six pounds but gained one as of today."

r-"wow. dude, get over it. not a big deal."

z-"yeah, i know right? really dumb." but it is a big deal. sometimes i'm scared to say anything about my food weirdness to anyone cause then they might wonder why i'm not skinny.

thinspo:

or:

yes the camera is far away but we can still tell you're 40lbs heavier than your friend. suggestion? lose the white t-shirt. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. nightmaresnightmaresnightmares. please tell the children in my dreams to stop growling&chasing me.

9:44pm

"Zette where are you?"

"Hey lady we all miss you."

"zette I hope you're ok."

"Please come back soon. I miss you."

"If you're still alive I could use some advice.."

"I'm selfish. I miss you. Sorry you're having such a hard time. You don't deserve that. *Hugs*"

i know, i know. i suck at this. i've just been a zombie lately. i got sleeping pills so i should start feeling better. but lately when i eat i feel sick. so i can either lean over the toilet let whatever happen, or i can shove my fingers down my throat&make whatever happen faster, or i can drink cold water&lie down&try not to worry. i feel like shit lately. i'm always tired. i don't want to go running. i don't want to babysit. i don't want to walk surprise. i don't want to play with spinolio. i don't want to get dressed&put makeup on&i sure as hell don't want to go anywhere. but i've been doing all those things. cause if i don't, they will worry. &if they worry, they will pry. &if they pry, i might open up, &then i'll be screwed. zombie zette is here. not much good for anything. fail fail fail. anyway................well.........i lost my train of thought. see what i mean?

thinspo:

or:

you can try to hide behind your stupid mum but we can still tell you're huge, blondie. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my sincerest apologies (i don't give them often) for being a shitty follower. i'm trying to catch up. i just got so so so far behind. blah. but i am trying.

10:09pm

i'm losing weight. not cause i've been good, but cause i can purge like none other. bad bad bad zette. i need to be nicer to my throat. anyway, i'm watching tv. i found a show called 'thintervention with jackie warner'. she seems a bit like an off-brand jillian michaels. (in case you're new, i love jillian michaels. alot. prolly too much.) it's a good show. found a new workout from it. though it looks like a sex position, it works out the back of my thighs. anyway, jackie warner is a bitch. i love it. gotta love bitches. well, some of them. i'm an exception to most people. but that's okay. also i watched the first episode of the biggest loser. one word? gross. but i have to laugh. when someone is that big, their arms&legs look so short. also, my buddy lauren hugged me earlier& told me i got smaller. of course i said "not that i know of, but thanks." but inside i smiled. cheers.

thinspo:

or:

skinniest? check the very left. i'll have those legs. i mean i'm not gonna steal that girl's body parts. but my legs will be that small. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. it's good to back. i missed you guys. catching up on blogs tomorrow, this headache is bloody awful.

11:56pm

so..what i did today....well, i cut the bottom of my foot open as a reminder. then i got my butt out of bed. then i brushed me teeth. then i boiled an egg. then i ate the white&gave the yolk to surprise. then i shaved my legs. then i put on a black dress with leggings&dark purple suede shoes. then i went to the funeral for C's mother. then i tickled my niece. then i went with the family back to the house to watch the kids. since there were 12 kids running around, i didn't get a chance to eat. score. then i went to the store. i got cereal. it's kinda high-cal. oops. tiny servings. then i came home&ate 1/4 cup of said cereal. then i returned some books to the library. then i watched some tv&wondered why my thighs don't look like that girl's..or that girl's..or even that other girl's. so i did lunges&crunches. now i hurt all over&i'm typing this for you guys since i disappeared. i missed you. but things have gone to shit. i'm busy cleaning it all up. pretty please bear with me a bit longer. i'm still looking for my brain.

thinspo:

 or:

 

 okay, i had to make it huge so you could see properly. the girl on the left looks great. the girl on the right looks....well, like any other girl. let's be great. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

7:17pm

what's new? well, c's mother is home under hospice. so...they're pretty much waiting for her to die. my friend overdosed saturday. she died sunday morning. that's what sucks about the party scene. different people, same cycle. i've watched people i met in church become sluts to pay for their favorite whatever. people get shot, overdose, kill themselves, wreck their cars. etc. &yet i miss it. i want so bad to go to a party&get completely wasted the way i used to. but i shouldn't.

i went running last night. it was good. except my feet hurt like hell. yes, i'm still cutting. stupid stupid stupid me. &sorry for disappearing. things are just kind of shitty lately..hopefully i'll be back soon. don't get fat in my absence.

they look so young. they're my age. the redhead looks great. &the brunette, too, though i highly doubt she's naturally that color. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. down two pounds. hoping to drop 8 or 10 more before my friend from oregon gets here in october.

12:35pm

sometimes when one person says something negative, it encourages others to say negative things. so i'm getting emails that the bigger girls in my thinspo are too small to be reverse. oh my god i'm so sorry girls, how dare i have a lower goal weight than some of you. seriously? fuck off. i'm in the shittiest of moods lately&i'm a brat enough to not want to hear that some of you disagree with things on my blog. yeah, i did say that. when i'm not going through shit i'll take what you say&move on. but at the moment, leave me the fuck alone.

in other news, i found an old journal i never used. it's small&purple. it'll fit in my bag so i can always carry it. new food journal? yes.

thinspo:

or:

god i hope the girl on the right is not where you want to be. stay strong today, lovelies. i hope to be back with my head on straight soon.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apologies in advance to those that get all weepy about today's post.

3:30pm

well i was up until 5ish. got up around 9ish. no reason. just couldn't sleep. anyway, my brother-in-law's mom went to the hospital last night (the one with cancer) cause she was having trouble breathing. so it's not looking good. doctors are saying she prolly won't pull through. seriously? how much death before my family gets a fucking break??

thinspo:

 or:

i'd invite a fatty over to take pictures with. except my mind is just a little fucked up. so chances are i wouldn't see a difference. one of my friends is 25lbs heavier than i am. but i still feel huge around her. i'm disgusting. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. leaving my limit at 600.

12:35pm

not a great day yesterday. picked pears with my niece. &i ended up going up to 770 on my calories. i'm supposed to keep it at 600, but i usually go up to 700. so should i keep beating myself up for going 100 over or should i just make my limit 700 since that's what i can do? adivce, please.

not a great night, either. anxiety attack had me up until 3am. i called my friend but he wasn't helping. he kept telling me to say things&he knows i can't talk very well when my breathing is that fucked up. so i hung up, cut, &calmed down pretty fast. sometimes my ways are just better than another's.

i had 2 tangerines for breakfast. now i'm having goldfish crackers. half a serving, which is 65 calories. the other half serving is for eating in front of my mother later, cause i'll be skipping lunch. doubling workouts again today. cause besides the770 yesterday i had ice cream. so i purged until nothing came up. then i drank a glass of water&purged that too. gross. then i went jogging for an hour. after my mother went to bed i did crunches, lunges, push ups, &plies for another hour. damn ice cream.

thinspo:

or:

the only one hiding her legs is the one who has small enough legs to show. oh&to certain (anonymous) people, if you don't like my reverse thinspo there are lots of girls who don't post any. go follow them. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. still have this damn dog. i'm calling her pepper. i'm putting flyers up today. hoping my mother will let me keep her a little longer.

p.s.s. it's still real girl thinspo. fashion obsessive people tend to think they are models, which is why i like the pictures. some of them are, but they're private so no touchups so no unrealistic inspiration.

11:42am

oh goodness. all the comments&the emails about my arms made me laugh. my arms are so flabby. they look huge to me cause i used to work moving furniture so they were muscular, but then i quit. so they stayed big&got fat. grosss. but thanks anyways. you guys are sweet.

since i'm sure you're dying to hear about my super exciting sleepover with my 4year old niece, here's the scoop (i realize you don't give a shit about my immature adventure but i'ma tell you anyway) well, we had kale soup for dinner. &i brought 3 tangerines. one for me, two for my niece. her parents ran off to see a movie at the harbor theater. anyway, we watched a tinkerbell movie. then we watched "lord of the beans" a veggie tales movie. which is suspiciously like "lord of the rings". characters were bilboy baggypants, randolf, todo, &the rest of the flobbits. made me laugh. my niece is crazy cute. we also had coffee ice cream. we slept on the couch. she woke me up at 4:30am to inform me of a 'robot' in the room. actually it was light coming in where the blinds were bent. we discussed this. &we talked about shadows&light&when the sun would come up. anyway, stayed up for an hour talking. i decided she was fibbing about not being afraid of the 'robot' so we went to her room&fell asleep there. we got up&had coffee&yogurt together this morning outside by the pool. lossa calories.

coffee was 100, yogurt was 140, ice cream was 160ish, &soup was about 150. oh well.

in other news, i decided to make the thinspo pictures bigger. i rarely go back&read my own blog so i didn't notice how small they were. font will stay small. i like small things, if you hadn't noticed. cheers for rambling.

thinspo:

or:

thin vs. average. if you prefer average, we prolly aren't going to get along. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. found a stray dog yesterday. the pound knows i have her so i'm waiting for the owners to call. she looks a little like toto from the wizard of oz. just so ya know.