10:16pm

fuck!!

got my hair cut with my sister. it's not very different. still a little past my shoulders. more layers&she trimmed my bangs. i kinda want to chop it off but i haven't had short hair in forever. so layers for now. baby steps, right?

here's the fuck part. my sister announced that we'd go to dinner after the salon. are you fucking me? stupid stupid stupid. i really flipped out. had an anxiety attack, which i hadn't in a long time. i thought i was over that already. thanks to my ana buddy though i calmed down enough to fix my makeup&put on a smile for B. of course i couldn't get out of dinner. so pad thai&egg drop soup&egg rolls all climbed down my throat. then slid out when i left to "brush my teeth". gross.

we went to old navy after dinner&i bought two t-shirts. just simple v-necks. one purple&one grey. they're smalls. i'll never be an extra small there. even when i'm only bones, my torso is too long. damn this disproportional body.

then i came home&did 100 crunches, 100 lunges (each leg), 100 legs lifts, 150 jumping jacks, &punches in between. (you know, where you hold your breath&punch the air until you need a breath again. i don't remember who i got the idea from but thank you, whoever you are)

i still feel disgusting. days like today i just want to give up. to eat what everyone else eats&be healthy&average&to never see a mirror again.

no. i can't give up.i've given up so much for this goal already. when i'm thin then nothing else will matter. i'll be okay. i think.no, i know i will be. i finally found an ana buddy who isn't competing with me&there's zero junk food in the house except a giant thing of chinese candy. it's all chewy so i can't have any. score. plus with so much time alone i can be constantly moving, which will help. yes. i can do this. so long as you guys don't bail on me. you guys are awesome&i'm glad i have you. for real. sorry for the long post. didn't mean to ramble.

xoxo

zette

p.s. optimistic but frustrated.