9:30am

i'm not eating today. i splashed a bit of milk&6 cheerios into a bowl in the kitchen. my mother will holler at me to put it in the dishwasher, but at least she will think that i ate. for lunch, i'll cook something, bring it to my room, &put it in a plastic bag to throw away later. dinner will be easy. my mother will be home fairly late. just a simply "i already ate." fasting is freeing sometimes, when i plan for it. i felt sick when my mother was making her super greasy eggs-with-everything breakfast. gag. actually, i might not have to eat until saturday morning. it depends. friday night is when the retreat starts.

oh yeah, i'll be gone for the weekend. i'll post tomorrow&then on sunday afternoon, so it's really only the emails i'll have to catch up on.i signed up for the retreat weeks ago. my friends were going. it seemed like fun. but then they bailed. immediately i started thinking of the food. what if i can't figure out how many calories are in it? what if i get caught doing 200 crunches in the morning? what if they stare at my bones when i'm changing clothes? what if they stare at my fat when i'm changing clothes? what if they won't let me go running around the ranch? what if i gain?

stop it, zette. you'll hide food in your napkin. you can purge if you need to, don't be a baby about throwing up blood with the food. you'll lie through your ugly lips. you'll write down everything you eat. you'll count it all up at home&exercise accordingly, shoulder injury or not. you shouldn't have signed up. you shouldn't go. R will be there. she might watch you eat. you will have to be careful. but you will do it. because if you don't, you'll be this size forever, a big fat failure.

or:

the girl on the very left, with the long tan legs&grey sweater? perfect. stay strong today, lovelies, in whatever you do.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this voice in my head is louder than it used to be. it's not as endearing as it used to be. it makes me feel awful.