12:05pm

woke up super late. well, i got up at 5:30am&ran again, but then i went back to sleep. got up at 10ish&di my morning 200 crunches. ouch. coffee&toast for breakfast. prolly 200 calories. i have to have just a bit of sugar in my coffee. pathetic little me&my little sweet tooth. yikes. anyway, i've returned to my love/hate relationship with my epilator. pain helps me calm down. as emo as it sounds, it's true. i just function better. so instead of cutting, i do hundreds of crunches or rip hairs out of my legs. why? cause it's a win-win. so cheers for at least being a little productive.

i hope i can keep up these 5:30 runs. my mother didn't even know i went this morning. when my alarm goes off i know exactly what time it is. sometimes i sleep in shorts&socks&a tank top so all i have to do is put on my sports bra&running shoes&put my hair in a ponytail. being one of the first people at the park is great. i can never decide what to listen to when i run. so i usually put it on paramore. when my knee acts up&can only walk, i put it on 'courage' by superchick. i like music. alot. the only time i don't have music on is when i'm watching tv or a movie. i even play my ipod while i'm in the shower. that's partly cause i swear i'm going to be murdered one day when i close my eyes to rinse my hair. oh boy. too much tv maybe? oh, the rambling could continue for quite a while. but i have a hard time reading long posts so i'll spare you.

thinspo:

or:

&my obsession with comparing legs continues. i can't help it. i have huge legs&looking at girls with small legs makes me want to try harder. i feel like i'm making painfully slow progress. but progress is progress. my mother is making spaghetti tonight. pasta? no thanks. gross. stay strong, darlings. think about everything you put in your mouth today.

xoxo

zette

1:08pm

well since most of my buddies are graduating our teacher/mentor/whatever gave us all a small pearl necklace. iloveit. i like necklaces. i have big collarbones&they look better with something to draw attention away from them. currently eating lunch:half an avocado, half a tomato, &1/8 onion. &9 chips. i got up at 5:30 this morning&went running. i love running in the morning. it's not creepy, like running at night. i'm often the first person at the park so i can run everywhere. just me, surprise, &my ipod. good times.

somebody commented on a really old post so i was looking through old comments&wow, you guys have been crazy supportive. so thanks for that. also, i was looking at old songs i wrote. some are cheery, but most are really sad&violent. sheesh. i need to lighten up. physically&mentally. okay, themed thinspo in a way. cause i really want a bicycle.

thinspo:

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i will not be a fat girl on a bike. well, i will be, but i'm getting thinner&that's all i count. 3 of the girls look decent except for the dark girl's chubster arm. but even that is forgivable next to the girl with big calves. ugh. stay strong, lovelies, so you won't be fat like me.

xoxo

zette

p.s. almost every time i type or write 'avocado' i spell it wrong the first time. just so you know.

9:44am

sorry i haven't been commenting. i've been reading, i swear. just nothing to say. i'll get on that today. so...still not sleeping well. shocker. i've been having trouble sleeping for a couple years. not a big deal. just need to buy more sleeping pills. also, i thought my mother would be gone all day. she was going to drive 2 hours to my sister's house to help her move. but my sister found somebody else so i'm stuck with my mother until she leaves for work around 3. i really dislike living with my mother. this means i cannot do all my little workouts in the morning hours, when it's coolest. i could walk to the park but soon it will be in the 90's. too fucking hot here. just so you guys are super informed, i've got a player for my ipod that charges it as it plays. so i leave it on most of the time. so 'courage' by superchick has been playing for the past 3 days. i want a full length mirror in my room, i decided. i have an okay-sized mirror sitting on the floor&if i step back i can see my whole body. but i miss my old mirror. i could stand in front of it&tear myself apart mentally. i still do that, i tend to stand in front of the mirror after a shower for a long time before i walk to my room&put clothes on.

speaking of hating my mother's presence, she just walked in my room for a few minutes just to watch me. when she does this i click over to the facebook tab&scroll down the news feed too quickly for her to read anything. she leaves faster that way. &apparently it's extremely rude for me to ask "do you need anything?" when she does this. sorry, mother, didn't know you just wanted to stare at me. creeper.

or:

oh god. no caption needed, really, but kudos to the girl in black for being such a good fat friend. someday i'll have legs that look cute in black leggings. for now, baggy jeans are much better. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my hair turned out okay. all i did was add some layers to the top. if i put color in it would look like a sort of scene haircut, but i'll leave it red for now.

9:42am

only a pound away from canceling out that gain. that scared me. so i worked out like a crazy person yesterday. i straightened my otherwise wavy/curly/messy hair. so now i've got two pairs of scissors&an episode of shark week ready. yes, it's time for a haircut. it's just about all one layer now&it's not cute. plus it got up to 102degrees yesterday&i'd like it to be a bit lighter. anyway, i'll get on with the important stuff.

thinspo:

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they look like sisters. one sister got it right, the other didn't. i guess there's always hope for "not small" people. whatever. i'm off to cut my hair. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

9:53am

i gained. FUCK.

thinspo:

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there are some small legs. then blondie's legs are shabam...huge. &cause some of the other ladies have such small legs, the girl in sunglasses next to the guy looks like a monster. comparison, darlings, is a beautiful thing. today, comparatively to the rest of the world, i am HUGE. i'm pissed at myself. but i will fix this. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

9:23am

nightmares are driving me fucking insane. not a whole lot of sleep last night. maybe 3 hours. played with my kitten, took surprise outside, listened to alot of random music. my ipod on shuffle surprises me sometimes. bob dylan, the smiths, smashing pumpkins, vitamin string quartet, flyleaf, nirvana, yes, metro station, keep the heat, etc. not a bad night, really, just not a great one either. i'm not a big fan of falling asleep&watching people die behind my eyelids until something inside my head or out of it wakes me up. zette is worn out. can we take a break? from what? i don't know. i might not be able to control my dreams but when i'm awake i can control everything i need to. sorry for the whining. i know i always say "complaining doesn't burn calories" but it does make me feel better. my head is fucked up. i don't know if it's fixable so i should prolly just make my peace with it. so my thinspo starts in snow&gets warmer.

thinspo:

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the girl in the jeans could have pulled off wearing shorts&the girl in the shorts should have worn jeans. i'm one to talk though. i often wear baggy clothes that are just plain too big for me. but i look better in them. i'll wear fitted things when they fit my bones&not my fat. gross. stay strong, lovelies. alot of you are making perfect progress.

xoxo

zette

9:12am

i keep getting on here&opening a post&then signing out. i don't have a single thing to say. i read recent blogs&left zero comments. boo for mysterious silence. ohh but i did get all your comments, &they made me smile like they always do. you guys are fantastic.

i went to my friend's lakehouse for the weekend. it was fun. the first night we spent at her old house, just to avoid her parents. we did our nails&watched an old movie. then we drove down to the lake. now she didn't tell me we were going to the lakehouse&staying an extra night so i didn't have a swimsuit. so good ol' walmart was a necessary stop. got a cheap, not so cute snakeskin patterned black&white bikini. didn't look adorable but a bikini is a bikini. she got a bikini top&shorts. cause she's fatter than i am. it's true. just barely, but she's got a belly. which she complains about. then eats half a package of oreos by herself. why do people do that to themselves? i don't have much room to speak. i'm sitting here with a cup of cereal. honey kix. a serving size is 1 1/4 cup. i measured out 1/4 cup. who needs 1 1/4 cups of cereal? sheesh. rambling again....sorry.

thinspo:

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small differences to you are huge differences to me. my world is disproportionate. the layer of skin stretched over my ribs looks inches thick to me. my friend with bad stomach fat makes me see myself as bigger, instead of smaller. &the girl on the right in this picture looks like she traded legs with someone from the biggest loser. someone who didn't win. nightmares were bad last night. kaleidoscope murders&loved ones out of reach. taking a nap today after some exercise. stay strong, lovelies. it'll be worth it.

xoxo

zette

nightmares were bad last night. kaleidoscope murders&loved ones out of reach. taking a nap today after some exercise.