5:07pm

still no job, or hope of one. blah. also, i jokingly suggested for someone to be my valentine but he doesn't know me very well so he agreed. oops. maybe time to reign in the sarcasm. but i'm losing weight. down 3 pounds this week. it doesn't seem like much at all. but then i look at something like a bag of sugar&it sure seems like a lot. hmm. anyway, happy to be losing. it's going slow. i'm home alone a lot with lots of food&not much motivation to exercise. i still do my daily workout, of course, but i've been sleepy since monday.

i want the ice to melt away, but we're supposed to get snow tonight&tomorrow. we rarely get wintry weather. this part of the country isn't prepared for it. the roads are bad&the drivers are worse. but no worries. i can cuddle with surprise, nothing on my mind but peppermint tea&a good book. at least, i wish.

but depression seems to drag out all my dreary thoughts. the only art i've done lately was to sketch a bony arm with a pool of blood around it. not a skinny arm, but literally bones. &i wrote a sad sort of lullaby piano piece. i like it. but it is sad. why am i so sad?

thinspo:

or:

a bit of sun for you. who knew they made bikinis that size? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i know i'm a sissy for complaining about the weather, but you little northerners would never survive a summer here. they suck.

9:29am

okay, i woke up to my mother making phone calls right by the couch where i've been sleeping. really? she couldn't even try to be quiet? today they're cycling the power on&off to keep it from going out completely. lovely. so most of the time i have electricity, but the rest of the time i'm wondering how people survived before it because it's too damn quiet. so obviously i woke up grumpy. but then the power came back on, so i turned the computer on, opened my email, &found the sweetest, most random email from mia. thanks, little miss. that really did make me smile.

thinspo:

or:

the outfits don't even have to completely match for comparing to be easy. the funny part is that the girl on the right is what people now call 'curvy'. people tell me i'm curvy. i hate that. stay strong today, lovely.

xoxo

zette

p.s. sorry i haven't posted. depression has made me sleepy&useless. yesterday was my nephew's birthday. he would have been 2 years old. i miss him.

10:00am

hi, i'm zette, i hate myself. what do you hate?

thinspo:

or:

skinny on the left, average on the right. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

1:30pm

i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat!

thinspo:

or:

matching outfits. you know the drill. the girl on the right is darling. stay strong today, lovelies, so that you can be darling, too.

xoxo

zette

10:45am

i really like when people comment on my blog just to let me know they read it. i also like when people laugh at my heartlessness on my "or" pictures. i also like that apparently the photos that help me, help you, too. strangers from all over with completely different lives coming together because we have this one little thing in common. once in a while you come across a blog or an article on why&how to get rid of pro ana communities. right. like kicking us off the web would make everything rainbows&unicorns. we'd still do it. we just wouldn't do it as well. so for the emails i've been getting, fuck off. freedom of speech, bitches. to those of you who support me, thank you. it means a lot.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny is in orange. the others are...ehh. check the belly on the chick in purple. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. to answer your question haley yes, a couple of people know about my eating habits but only what i've told them&what they've observed. i don't like talking about it because then they'll think "then why aren't you skinny?"

p.p.s. i love that third thinspo photo. that girl is beautiful, even more so because it looks like a beauty she has to work for.

11:57am

my sister&my niece just left. time for school. had soup&crackers for breakfast. a rice cake for lunch. black coffee now with 25cals of sugar. i don't usually add sugar. but i did today. i slept pretty well last night. only woke up once. called my friend a few times, decided i should quit being annoying, she called me back, we talked, i fell asleep again. but i woke up grumpy. i'm filling out applications online. i chose to save&quit, but it submitted it. so it skipped a lot of things. like the hours i'm available&my education. i fucking hate online applications. i'll return emails tomorrow. i'm bitchy today.

while i'm bitchy anyway though, let's clear something up. i hate my face. i hate it because i have acne, though not much, plus clean&clear is helping that a lot. i have braces for another year. i sometimes have to wear my glasses. my wide eyes, full eyebrows, fat lips, big nose, &native american cheekbones (which i get from my grandmother) are all too big for my small head. that is why i don't take compliments seriously. don't get all pissy when i ignore comments like "you have amazing eyes" or "i love your angelina jolie lips" or "i wish i had high cheekbones like that". i'm not trying to be rude. i just don't share those opinions. i hate my body. a certain friend of mine tells me constantly that i'm tiny, emphasized by fitting her hands around my waist or poking my 'little' legs. they're not little. please stop poking the fat. get your hands off my torso, i don't like to be touched. don't grab my flabby arms. don't put your fingers between my giant ribs when you hug me&then tell me i'm bony. i don't appreciate it. i have days when i won't let anyone touch me. people get so offended. how dare i refuse to hug you, i guess. really? go fuck yourself. dammit, i told you i'm grumpy today. but i'm making the thinspo bigger because i love today's photos.

thinspo:

or:

first, the skinny is in the middle. second, white jeans are scary. you have to be small to look good in them. if you're not, you have to wear a long shirt to look okay in them. otherwise you look ginormosaurus. isn't that a great word? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i can't find my hula hoop. the world is coming to an end. &if you're going to get one, try it out in the store. of course you'll look silly. but it's worth it if you like them.

9:56am

okay, i've been sleeping on the couch because my mother is painting two walls in my room so everything is on my bed&the furniture is not where it ought to be. so i left my door shut all night&it's freezing in here. when i was a bit trashed one evening i told my friends "jack frost jacked off. it's cold in here." so a big group of my buddies&i use the phrase now when we're chilly. it makes me smile. anyway, cold room. perfect for working out. &since there are new episodes of 3 shows i follow on hulu (house, pretty little liars, the biggest loser) i'll have three long excuses to be in here to work out.
if you don't have a hula hoop, go get one. they're cheap&they strengthen your torso. it's a good exercise to get your heart rate up so you're ready for the rest of your workout. i sound like a commercial. but i really like hula hooping, even though for the first week or so i felt silly doing it. have i convinced you yet? oh well, i tried.

i just woke up an hour or so ago&had coffee for breakfast. mmm, black coffee. i'll have a rice cake as an apology to my stomach, then time for exercise. already did 150 of my 200 morning crunches. anyway, on to the pretty pictures.

thinspo:

or:

the skinny in the orange is darling. the whale to the right is....not. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. when i watch the biggest loser it just makes me love jillian michaels even more.