9:13am

girls with eating disorders are sometimes extremely thin. i am in neither of those categories. so my dream last night sucked. my friend told a youth pastor who told my parents (why was my dad there?) that because of my weight i needed to go somewhere for inpatient treatment. so, okay, i'm thinking fat camp. but it was a rehab. they dragged me into a room to sit alone for a few hours. so naturally, i slapped&kicked the door screaming, "i'm not even skinny" to nobody.

then they came in&forced me to eat. not normal food, like cereal or egg whites or celery or spinach. but a big greasy fast-food burger complete with drippy fries&a milkshake, which wasn't melting because the place was so goddamn cold. i was pissed. they kept telling me i needed to put on some weight before i could see the other patients.

some loony came in to "evaluate" me. to every question asked i would answer, "why am i here? i'm not even skinny." after a while they left me alone, until the next meal, which was the same. then the next. then i woke up. i was relieved to find that my stomach is still flat, sinking in a little when i'm lying down. my fingers are still cold, my rings still fall off them. i stood up to go check myself out in the mirror&all i could say was, "i'm not even skinny." disappointing morning. but i won't have to eat today. only two days of fasting total but i'll take it.

or:

skinny vs. average. whose side are you on? stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. edit on the fast, i'm going to have a v8 so my total will be 70cals.

p.p.s. to claire, i want to be a marine biologist. if i'm too stupid for that, my backup plan is to be a trucker.

9:30am

i'm not eating today. i splashed a bit of milk&6 cheerios into a bowl in the kitchen. my mother will holler at me to put it in the dishwasher, but at least she will think that i ate. for lunch, i'll cook something, bring it to my room, &put it in a plastic bag to throw away later. dinner will be easy. my mother will be home fairly late. just a simply "i already ate." fasting is freeing sometimes, when i plan for it. i felt sick when my mother was making her super greasy eggs-with-everything breakfast. gag. actually, i might not have to eat until saturday morning. it depends. friday night is when the retreat starts.

oh yeah, i'll be gone for the weekend. i'll post tomorrow&then on sunday afternoon, so it's really only the emails i'll have to catch up on.i signed up for the retreat weeks ago. my friends were going. it seemed like fun. but then they bailed. immediately i started thinking of the food. what if i can't figure out how many calories are in it? what if i get caught doing 200 crunches in the morning? what if they stare at my bones when i'm changing clothes? what if they stare at my fat when i'm changing clothes? what if they won't let me go running around the ranch? what if i gain?

stop it, zette. you'll hide food in your napkin. you can purge if you need to, don't be a baby about throwing up blood with the food. you'll lie through your ugly lips. you'll write down everything you eat. you'll count it all up at home&exercise accordingly, shoulder injury or not. you shouldn't have signed up. you shouldn't go. R will be there. she might watch you eat. you will have to be careful. but you will do it. because if you don't, you'll be this size forever, a big fat failure.

or:

the girl on the very left, with the long tan legs&grey sweater? perfect. stay strong today, lovelies, in whatever you do.

xoxo

zette

p.s. this voice in my head is louder than it used to be. it's not as endearing as it used to be. it makes me feel awful.

9:51am

so......it snowed here again. only a wet inch or so. last time i woke up to my little town under 5 inches. which is a lot, for this far south. we are not used to it. which means we suck at driving in it. well i don't, because i got lessons in colorado, but my mother does. we're going to the store anyway though. i'm babbling. lovely.

but i was wondering if you guys hate it as much as i do when people worry about you. i want to say, "i'm not underweight. when i'm underweight, come find me&shove your logic&psychoanalysis down my throat. until then, fuck off." but i don't. i'm getting better at not saying things like that. about keeping this whole piece of my life under wraps. except for you little misses, of course. i'll always spill my guts to you. have you seen the movie 'ramona&beezus'? "i'm going to say a bad word....guts!"

thinspo:

or:

okay, so the skinny needs to work out her arms, but besides that she looks fantastic. i love this photo. they're even in the same post. gross. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. have you ever gained weight in preparation for seeing someone in particular? i have. it's terrible. but she was worried. i want her to leave me alone. (she said i looked great, by the way.)

p.p.s. instead, she insisted we talk calories&she gave me the book 'hollow' by jena morrow. if you can ignore the religious bits, it's an okay book so far. as with most books, i don't want to read the recovery part. is that weird?

12:12pm

hi kids. nothing to report, really, so i'll get to the good stuff.

thinspo:

or:

what a lovely skinny friend. oh the comparison they face. upside? doing cartwheels burned some calories for her. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. why bitch about my thinspo? shut up&go find thinspo you like.

9:13am

good morning. the high is 50degrees tomorrow. we had snow a couple days ago. probably getting snow again. bipolar weather in this state for sure. anyway, i'm feeling okay today inside&out. v8 for breakfast again. i was going to paint my nails last night but i've got to finish painting my ceiling today so i just did my toes. silver, super shiny. like minnows. it's a good color. i don't know what i'll do for lunch. we have some frozen peas veggies so probably those. that way i can stay around 300 because i'm not sure what my mother is planning for dinner. funny how thoughts always come back to food in one way or another.

thinspo:

or:

 ohboy. skinny vs. average. also, this picture makes me wish i had a tan.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm wearing two pairs of leggings, sweat pants, a long-sleeve shirt, a hoodie, a robe, &i'm freezing. anyone else have trouble being productive when you're cold?

5:07pm

nothing new. shoulder hurts like a motherfucker. fell in love with v8 all over again. taking a long hot shower&painting my nails later. then plucking my eyebrows to death. then trimming my hair. just a little tender loving care for the body i hate.

or:

mirror pictures are the lamest thing ever. but the girl on the left has tiny legs. kudos to her. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thought you might get a kick out of this photo. it's old, from october 2009. me&my sister V. thank god i'm not quite that big anymore. i don't know why i was making that face.

1:02pm

currently sitting in my bedroom quietly while the piano tuner is here. just took surprise out for a walk. she's good about keeping her boots on now. i'm maintaining my weight, which is okay with me for now. at the moment i've got a can of v8&some pretzels in front of me.

the first day of snow, i went out to the park. i was the first one out so i had to find the walks under the snow. an adventure for sure. when i got to the park i clicked away, trying to get a couple of good photographs. then i went on the higher side, missed the sidewalk, &fell. my shoulder hurts. it felt okay when i put the hot jet on it in the shower this morning but now it's sore again. blah. no weights, jumping jacks, or pushups for a couple days.

nothing else is going on. i've been reading&drinking tea&thinking lately. kind of ignoring the social life i kind of have. sorry to neglect the blog. figured i should update&post some skinny photos.

thinspo:

or:

school uniforms. cute. fat legs on the left. not cute. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. 1) it took me almost twenty minutes to pick my thinspo, 2) the words 'cute' & 'sure' are pretty close on the keyboard.