10:40pm

i did pretty well today calorie-wise but i forgot that this assignment is more than a summary, i've gotta take notes on the side or whatever. so anyhow, i shouldn't have put it off. i've got my outline but i feel brain dead. my stomach hurts like hell&eating would fix it but i have have have to lose this fucking weight. i cannot be in the whale category this summer.

besides that i'm just frustrated in general. i've been cutting alot&somewhere in the back of my mind i know i should be. but it's so easy. &it really does help me calm down&clear my head. ugh. i cannot think. i keep spacing. i'm so frustrated i'm literally in tears. it's pathetic. i've got mascara running down my fat face&onto my fat legs. i feel disgusting. but i don't have time to fix myself&get this stupid paper done. so first things first. fucking homework will be the death of me.

i hate admitting it but i'm not okay. why can't i simply be okay? i tell people often enough. "how are you?" "okay, you?" "okay. good seeing you." "you too." oh fake existence why must you be so effortless? hell i'm even fake to myself. i tell myself it's completely harmless to be as mentally unstable as i am. i'm going to kill myself one day&it's going to be a goddamn accident. not cause i'm clumsy but cause i like to push my limits until it hurts..then push them farther. i'm insane. sorry for the spastic post. thanks for putting up with me.

stay strong, little ladies. let's be small so we can fit in&stand out at the same time.

xoxo

zette