9:40am

i'm not okay. i won't be okay for a while. i miss my nephew terribly&i'm not looking forward to spending the night over there with them monday night when they move back into their house. i'm getting a kitten on tuesday but my mother isn't happy about it. i failed me economics quiz. i can't think. in other news, sick&sunburned&i've got time to kill. so i'm going to answer some questions(&comments) i've gotten lately via email.

1. does it help to keep a food diary?

yes. for me anyway. since i don't have someone here to hold me accountable, i hold myself accountable instead. writing down everything i eat is not easy for me. i'll literally pick up food&put it down cause i don't want to have to write it down later. &then when i have good days, it's a tiny reward to put it in writing. then on rough days i can go back&copy one of those good days, knowing i can do it cause i've done it before.

2. So how much do you really weigh?

in case you hadn't noticed, i'm sensitive about discussing that. if i happen to get away with reaching my goal weight, i will let everyone know. but until then just know i am a whale with slightly (&i do mean slightly) visible ribs.

3. How come you wanna be a shorty?

cause little miss 5'2"s are down to 90 pounds&chances are my weight will be over 100 for a long time if not forever. smaller numbers are prettier, regardless of height.

4. how old are you?

old enough for people to think i'm a pathetic 20something-year-old lady who lives with her mother. i'd rather not share my age. i'm young. ish.

5. how do you undo a binge? like a really big one?

i purge immediately. i shove a toothbrush down my throat as far as it will go&i don't stop until all that comes out is stomach acid nastiness. then i drink a glass of water&purge that too. then comes the workout. i stretch every muscle i can feel&then i do lunges, 50 each side. then i do 100 crunches. then i run as hard as i can until i hurt all over. then i drink some water&take a breather. then i do it again. this is for any binge, whether it's a teaspoon of peanut butter or an entire cake.

6. What is it with you and crunches?

they hurt. i like that. they don't burn as many calories as running but they feel good.

7. I think the girls in your thinspo look sick.

okay. but that's about the size i want to be. it's my blog, not yours. you can post whatever thinspo you like on YOUR blog.

8. is it better to fill up on water during a fast or go on empty and let your stomach shrink?

it depends. it's always good to drink plenty of water. &it can be helpful when you're fasting to fill up on it if you haven't adjusted to hunger pains. but i do think it's best to let your stomach shrink while keeping well hydrated at the same time. being dehydrated is not good for anything.

9. I have two room mates so I cant keep thinspo pictures around. What should I do instead?

honestly some of my best thinspo is walking around my school or around my city's hot spot. there are skinny girls everywhere. last night i was walking at the harbor&i saw so many skinny girls. alot were in the same type of group: skinny girl, average guy, &a fat chick. skinny girl&average guy hold hands, fat girl tries to keep up. that inspires me sometimes more than looking at pictures. so just get out&go people watching. it's fun.

10. What was your favorite food before your eating disorder and what is your favorite now?

sesame chicken. i loved it. like, alot. now my favorite is sushi. &yes i had sushi 2 days ago. &yes i still fight it when people say i have an eating disorder. i could stop if i wanted to. if i wanted to be fat, that is.

11. Youre so pretty why still single?

oh boy. for starters, my dad was an ass. plenty of people who suffer abuse as children have a hard time trusting people later in life. i'm a statistic. so i'll stick to just having guy friends. besides that, i'm not a very good person&i wouldn't wish myself as a girlfriend for any of the guys who ask me out. my cold little heart is not very inviting.

12. aren't you afraid some kid will find your blog and develop anorexia?

first of all chances are if a wannarexic finds my blog, they were looking for it. &if they find it by accident, they will know better. we all have free will. i take full responsibility for what i say in my blog but what others do with it is up to them.

13. are your nails ever blueish?

not in a while but i always keep them painted a pearly white color anyways. same goes for my toenails.

14. how many ana buddies do you have?

well one really. i text her fairly often&she's very helpful. she texted me once pretty late with a question about purging. other days she needs someone to tell her to keep going. i need the same thing. that's what ana buddies are for. however, there is one other person i text&quite a few who email me. i try to be as helpful as possible&to make time for everybody.

15. Where do you live?

hi creeper. i'm somewhere in the united states of america. this being the internet i'll leave it at that.

16. what is good to drink besides water?

if you're getting sick of water, try tea or coffee. cold? try fuze. it's low calorie. sugar free energy drinks are better, &one called 'venom' is fairly low calorie too. besides that i drink ovaltine for breakfast for vitamins&to wake up my metabolism.

17. what should i tell friends at meals when i don't want to eat?

anything. "i have a canker sore", "i'm doing a cleanse", whatever you can think of. a good idea is to sit down&make a list of excuses that will work for you so that you don't end up saying "i feel sick at my stomach" every day.

18. how come you dont just lose weight the healthy way?

cause technically i am at a healthy weight. if i gave a shit about being healthy i wouldn't get excited when i can see bones. i want to be thin, not healthy. can't always have both.

19. Do you miss your period a lot?

no, i don't think i have at all. well maybe once. i don't really keep track....

20. I take very small bites and separate everything on my plate. What should I tell people when they notice?

you can either separate your food mentally or laugh it off with "i know i'm so OCD right?" that's what i do. cause i group everything into 3's. 

thinspo:

 or:

2 girls on the right vs. 2 girls on the left. 

who do you want to be like? let's be small.

xoxo

zette