2:51pm

fuck. why do i keep telling people that i'll get better? to shut them up, i suppose. why does my stomach have to growl so loudly? &why do these scars take so so so long to fade? yeah, i don't have the answers either. the first picture isn't the best, i'm mostly jealous of her boobs. or lack thereof. damn my c-cups.

thinspo:

or:

little lady vs. a hulk. alright. carry on. i'm going to purge the juice i just drank.

xoxo

zette

p.s. why do we carry on this way? that's simple. it's cause we tried average&it left a bitter taste in our mouths. being thin is sweet, like sugar free gum.

11:16pm

i should be in bed. warning i might talk about food so apologies in advance for the temptation. i really do need to go to bed. i'll be in an awful mood if i don't get any sleep. i'm sorry to have disappeared again for a bit. i don't mean to. once in a while i even start a new post. i type in the time&then i sit here with nothing to say. right now i'm sitting here with a bag of flamin' hot lime cheetos to my right. i'm not going to touch them. i'll have fuze for breakfast&powerade for lunch if i can get away with it. fingers crossed. also going swimming tomorrow. i needa work on my tan. i have ugly scars all over. anyhow, i owe you guys some skinny pitchas.

thinspo:

or:

the girl on the left is okayish. but the girl on the right needs to say no to whatever her next meal is. i will not be average. i will not be average. i will not be average. i'm watching a biography on marykate&ashley olsen. skinnies. i love them. i leave for camp on the 6th. fuckfuckfuck. i'm going to be the only tub of lard there. hang in there, little ladies. it'll be worth it.

xoxo

zette

3:57pm

oh geez. my friend called me this morning so i rolled out of bed&walked to the park to meet her. we walked all the way to her neighborhood&then i walked home. all in all maybe 4-5 miles? boo for walking in the hot sun. surprise didn't like it either. so...popsicle=45cals. besides that i've had water. dinner will be water&tic tacs. go me.

thinspo:

or:

okay so that's alot of comparing to do. but i like comparisons. thin is relative to many people. thin is not being smaller. it's being the smallest. it's not seeing your collarbones. it's being able to count all your ribs. i'll get there. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

8:29pm

600 calories today. failurefailurefailure. i suck at life.

thinspo:

or:

on the left we have average. on the right we have thin. wow, really tough choice. hang in there, darling. tomorrow will be here soon enough&it'll be a new day, no matter how much this one sucked ass.

xoxo

zette

4:53pm

partypartyparty. last night was fun. got home around 4:30am. oh boy. in other news, i'm pimping out my dog. actually, just trying to get her knocked up. really hoping it'll work. it'd be fun to let her have puppies before i get her fixed. plus if she has two i can make a few $$$.

also.....i got nothin. i'm not mad. or sad, really. kind of frustrated? basically in a constant state of not happy. it's bloody hot here&i hate it. anyone in canada? i'll come live with you. for real. last announcement, i'll be out of town june 6-11th (maybe). if i am out of town, i'll miss you ladies terribly&you guys in the u.s. are free to text me. it'll be hard without you guys. i have a badass ana buddy but still.

on to more important things, like..........

thinspo:

or:

ummm they make swimsuits that big? why? shouldn't anyone over a certain weight be in clothes? or a wetsuit? or maybe rented out as a boat? okay, that's harsh, but fat floats, yeah? oh well. you guys better hope i'm never ruler of the world. i can be evil at times. stay strong, lovely ladies.

xoxo

zette

10:31am

"alright. you?" a simple little answer with no feeling for a simple little question with no feeling. couldn't you come up with something better than "hey zette how are you? are you a senior this year?". oh well. humans will be humans. i say this as if i'm not thrown in with the rest of people to tumble into my own stereotypical pocket.

i woke up around 8:30 when my mother left for work. she'll be working allll day so it's just me&the pets. luckily grocery shopping has been postponed so basically all i have to eat is chicken&lentil soup &a few tomatoes. today is going to be a good day. went to the harbor last night along with tons of other people. wore my short shorts cause i can&wondered how much i'd have to not eat to have legs as small as someone else. hung out with a friend&had an interesting chat. she's an odd person. brutally honest&says most things with a smile. like me, except my smile only reaches my eyes on occasion, all other times my big fat lips curve up but nothing else indicates any happiness. especially true as of late. what's with my wording today? i dunno either. but anyhow, sorry i disappeared for a short bit. i've been up to absolutely nothing. just sitting here at home mostly. but mentally i cannot calm down. i read at night so i can go to sleep. my mother doesn't appreciate this as i have taken to leaving the light on. i tell her it's because i fall asleep reading. but really i just like to be able to see around me when i wake up from a nightmare. nightmare...an odd word. i picture a little black pony. then i remember what happens in my dreams&i picture lots of bodies of people i absolutely adore. little black pony gone. oh boy, zette, cheer up.

D told me last night she sent pictures of me to her friend who does photography cause i'm "so photogenic". so maybe one of these days i'll find myself at the park with miss AR&a camera. D should have told her the whole truth. "also, she a few zits. &braces that make her lips look even fatter then normal. &she's got lots of fat to keep her company when her nasty attitude chases people away." doubtful that i'll ever even meet AR for a shoot but if i do, i feel the need to apologize to her in advance. i feel that way often though, about alot of people. there are lots of little things i say that i will prolly never apologize for. so maybe it's better to apologize for my existence as a whole. i suppose it wouldn't make a difference anyways since i've made no plans to point out truths that people were trying to avoid. me&my big fat mouth lose alot of friends. but some of them stay&that's a very good thing. cause when i'm lonely i tend to go into self-destruct mode just to see what happens. yikes, this is long.

thinspo:

or:

just a little harmless comparison. since alot of you are struggling with purging i'll remind you: mia is addicting but ana is rewarding. ana will get you where you want to go. mia can only stop you from going backwards. hang in there, little ladies. &thanks for all the support. i've needed it for sure.

xoxo

zette

p.s. today my ribcage is showing itself again but i feel like even my ribs are fat. anybody else?

10:19pm

sometimes i jokingly tell people what i seriously tell my niece. "use your words." sometimes people have something to say but instead they spill emotion all over the floor&nobody likes to clean that up. just use your words.

also, super sorry for not posting. i was going to but my niece asked me to stay the night with her so i did...cause i'm an awesome aunt like that. went swimming with her today. my sister is thinner than me. comparatively, in bikinis, she looks so much better. not even my tan can hide the layers of fat jiggling all over. gross.

okay so i have been putting off posting the beautiful blogger award.....cause of having to say 7 things about myself. silly, right? i mean i tell you guys so many things anyways....oh well. here goes. &i'm stealing your mustached award, nessa.

thanks to alice & nessa for nominating me.

1. i seriously considered taking a job at a strip club for the summer. but i decided my body is too gross not to be clothed anyways. plus i hate being watched. silly me.

2. i have a scar on my left thigh that says "HELP" in block letters from my emo days. as if they were long ago. it's from last summer.

3.my kitten just ripped the bandaid off my foot (i wore some uncomfortable shoes) &i painted my nails a dark pink today. i don't like the color anymore.

4. every time there is a daddy daughter anything that my friends are going to (dance, movie night, etc) i cry myself to sleep&get mad at my father all over again.

5. i have tried just about every (illegal) drug there is&decided that they are all too expensive&not worth it. also, shot whiskey for the first time when i was 12.

6. i sing constantly when i'm home alone. only when i'm alone cause people tell me i have "an amazing voice" &i don't take compliments very well at all. plus i like to sing the songs i write myself&the lyrics are prolly best kept to myself.

7. my first name is meaghan. yeah, my father spelled it wrong. but that's better than having no name, my mother handed me off to him when i was born cause she "wanted nothing to do" with me. (don't ask your parents where you got your name, they might tell you the truth)

okay, nomineeeeeeeeeeees. sorry...said it out loud&decided to add some e's.

alice - first of all for nominating me. but also cause i am starting to get over my hatred of my eyebrows. maybe they're not so bad. your comments make me smile so thanks for posting them so often.

nessa - also for nominating me. &for our mutual love of mustaches. &for your honesty about binges&other things. we're all aspiring human beings.

violet - for...everything? for sticking with me&for your odd way of putting things that makes me consider them in a new way. for sometimes making me think when i don't want to&for often making me laugh.

embre/meg - for posting random things that make me laugh&for being so so so strong. kudos for that.

ellie - for your beautiful way of communicating the simplest&most complicated things. i envy your extraordinary use of words.

zen - is it necessary to say anything? you're fantastic. i can relate to you&that makes your posts all the more relevant.

tara - for being completely real&so faithful to check up on me. &for posting your progress...it reminds me to get off my butt&lose this weight. inspiring for sure.

well this is long already but it wouldn't be from me if i didn't include some quick thinspo:

or:

yikes. no bellies allowed. goodnight ladies. thanks for sticking with me through all this craziness. i apologize for all the drama lately. i'm as ready for it to stop as you guys are.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apologies in advance for typos. my bad.