6:54pm

screwed up today. working out like crazy, giving myself time to work this out in my head. then friday starts the nazi diet. the hate i have for myself will keep me going. the hate i have for this body will help me keep it as empty as possible in preparation for my friend's visit&for my colorado trip. carrying around a taco bell cup filled with lemon water lately. saves me excuses, cause it looks like i just ate. anyway..got a dress today. it's pretty. it's off-white&lacy. i can wear it this winter with leggings&boots&a jacket, to hide all the fat i will inevitably still have. yes, i'm being hard on myself. i have to be. i eased up on myself&i gained. never ever ever again.

thinspo:

or:

of course you can show some skin. when it's just skin. but when you've got big legs we need no proof of what your stomach looks like. easy there, brunette. cover it up. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i just heard "xoxo zette" in my head in the way that girl days "xoxo, gossip girl". lame?

1:52pm

asepustf. bativeak. muzerhes. incyclog. zospy. aphrapy. prounco. chyboos. dultsmsa. banesso. what is this nonsense, you ask? freaking word verifications. yes, i scrolled down to ones i've had to use before. i really don't like those things. random dyslexia comes out&screws them up, i swear. so..i've been talking to my friends, the ones who have gone off to college. the first thing to disappear from their schedule? gym time. cause they're "just too fucking tired". great, way to fit the bill perfectly. forget freshman fifteen. they'll gain the freshman fifty. except taylor. goddamn she is tiny...all of you, find time to get some exercise today okay? if you can't, at least tap your foot when you're sitting down.

i babysat my niece yesterday. i had coffee before i went, which saved me. i brought a plum for her&one for me. we sat by the pool, got our feet wet, &talked. she put her head on my shoulder&told me "you smell like....aunt zette." "well is that a good thing?" "oh, yes. it is." she's 4. i love her. besides that we built towers for marbles to roll down. &we read fairytales. &i heated up leftovers from ghengis grill. &i didn't eat any. &we played hide&seek. &we ran around the house like crazy people. then at 8:30 i got her ready for bed. brushed her teeth really well&then tucked her in bed with a movie, since she's used to that. then a couple minutes later her parents came home&i got to leave. i get the feeling they didn't appreciate any of it. also, they're planning on going to colorado when i go. which means we might all drive together. not to be selfish, but i wanted to go alone. i can't be myself at all around b&c&liberty. i kind of wanted a break from them. i wanted to get away. to make me sound even more like a heartless bitch, do you want to know what their trip depends on? whether or not c's mother is doing okay cause she has cancer. i have no heart.

thinspo:

or:

well..the girl on the left is fine. the girl on the right is....average? in every possible way. i hope they had a reason to be dressed that way. also, high top converse (or off-brand, for that matter) only look good on small legs. i know. cause i have a pair of rue21 purple high tops&i love them but i only wear them with jeans cause otherwise my calves look huge. huger than normal. is huger a word? it is now. stay strong today, lovelies. but don't be a total bitch like i am. it gets lonely.

xoxo

zette

10:32am

fucking failure yesterday. had some stuff to get done, sorry i didn't post. anyway, my food journal sort of goes..short entry, short entry, short entry with lots of cussing, short entry, then a massive entry. yesterday. 1100 calories. i'm a dumbass. i only did about half my workouts during the day but i spent an hour&a half on them last night before i passed out. 1100 calories is not going to make me skinny. i have to be skinny. i need to see more bones. hips, collarbones, ribs, &spine are not enough for me. my friend is going to get here&wonder if i actually have issues with food. she's going to stop worrying. she's going to look at me&stop telling me i'm skinny. fuck.

thinspo:

or:

"what am i wearing to prom? oh, i thought i'd get the red dress. you know, the strapless mermaid one? &since i have no self control, i'll add 30lbs of fat as an accessory." stay strong today, lovelies. you can control yourselves. let's show off our pretty bones.

xoxo

zette

p.s. when i'm skinny i'll start skateboarding again. i miss my boys.

10:26am

went grocery shopping. i got some good stuff, i got some bad stuff. i got plain yogurt, plums, &grapefruit. i got bread&pepperjack cheese&some turkey for sandwiches. sounds bad, but i use one slice of bread without crust, half a piece of cheese, &one slice of turkey. for breakfast i'm having plain yogurt with 9 blackberries in it (yes, always a multiple of 3.) since it's saturday, my mother will be home all day. i'll leave around 6:30 tonight to see some friends. i'm hoping it won't be too hot today. i want to spend some time at the park.

also, last night, i had a cupcake. a fucking cupcake. shitstore cupcake with shiticing. shitshitshit. so what did i do? i didn't purge. instead i announced i was going to bed around 11. then i stayed up until 2am working out. i'm pretty sure i undid my mistake. i'm just glad i had enough energy to keep moving for almost 3 hours. i think i passed out as soon as i hit the bed. no nightmares that i can remember. so i'll call that a successful night.

last night i asked my mother to keep an eye on spinny so she wouldn't jump out the window. she told me she would. i came back&my mother was playing piano. spinny was gone. took me a half hour to find her in the dark outside&when i did, she was behind the creepy old storm shelter in the tangle of bushes/thorns/weeds. a few scratches on my arms but besides that i was just pissed. but when i came in, the whole house smelled like cheap wine so i can guess why she lost my cat again. annoying fatass of a guardian.

thinspo:

or:

they both need help with their hair (as if i have room to talk, i cut mine with kiddie scissors) but the one on the left needs help everywhere. yes you can wear black pants&you can cross your legs to hide your inner thighs. but you can't hide everything. check out those arms. yikes. looky, it's a skinny blonde this time. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. if you have trouble keeping your calories down, a food journal really does help.

11:40am

damn. i didn't get my ass out of bed until 10:30 today&that's only cause my sister in colorado called me. we're thinking i'll be up there for 3 weeks between thanksgiving&christmas. i'm pretty stoked. i've got to make this a quickie cause mother needs the computer.

thinspo:

or:

the best part? or the worst, depending on how you look at it. the girls in the middle are sisters. oh god. that's how i feel next to my sister. as if they had 4 kids&ran out of pretty before the accident child came along. ugh. stay strong today, lovelies. let's be the smallest.

xoxo

zette

p.s. pancakes this morning. no idea how many calories. i had two the size of my palm. i'm saying 300. that gives me 300 for lunch&dinner. gahh. happy fucking friday.

4:03pm

i'm actively doing things to make my mother think i am normal. i asked her to take me by jack in the box for tacos on our way home last night. i ate half of one in the car&the other i put in the fridge. i stuck it in the oven this morning for breakfast&then threw it away. lots of lunges to punish myself for the half i ate last night. the 250 crunches before bed wasn't enough. i feel gross today. went to my uncle's grungy apartment to leave a birthday card. he's a hermit. so we just left it on his door. love ya, invisible uncle sam. my family is weird.

thinspo:

or:

the chunker should take a hint from the 2nd girl&go shopping for water next time she's hungry cause whatever the hell she's on now isn't doing much for her. maybe she should have worn combat boots&a parka to prom just to hide those arms. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i will not stop being a bitch just cause someone says it's not right.

11:34am

dearest kelly: you are fantastic.

dearest anonymous: thanks for being super sweet by slipping your bashing in between some supportive words. it must have taken guts to say all that. anonymously. if you're going to point out what you've decided is a flaw, at least say it with a name. or email me? that works too. i'll continue in my bitchy ways&you continue in yours. kapeesh? cool.

okay, so yesterday ended up being just dandy. wasted time all day&then skated with some people. there was a chick there tonight. she crashed a couple times but i'm glad there's another girls. we don't always fit in with all dem skaterboys. also, my mother bought chicken. 6 pieces frozen. 3 were baked with cornflakes on top (i know, she used my cornflakes. boo.) &the other 3 were boiled for soup. she was going to only put noodles in the soup. noodles, chicken, garlic, salt&pepper...that's not a soup. so we went to the store&got peas, carrots, corn, &kale. that's a soup.

in other news, this cut on my foot is not healing up. this is prolly cause i've been running on it. so i'ma have to take a break from running. but there are certain exercises that don't affect it so i guess i'll be alright. i really want to go running though. i was supposed to go this morning. i didn't. oopsy.

thinspo:

or:

of course our skinny is the one in the salmon dress with the flower in her hair. the rest look fine on their own i suppose but comparatively, they look...lame. i can't decide if i like her belt that way or not. but i do like her dress. i like dresses. when i am small i will wear dresses. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anonymous bitches need to shut it.