10:41pm

ohhdang. you ladies are pretty great at shooting down anonymous bitches. thanks for that.

i just woke up&i'm frustrated today. i've been avoiding looking at myself. i learned a long time ago to put my makeup on without a mirror, then to check quickly before leaving. i know what my clothes look like. i know that my fat makes all my clothes squeeze me. i know i should just wear my baggy jeans every day. i should go thrift store shopping for bigger sweaters. maybe i can find some at ross. when i see my fingertips tapping keys all i can think is that i have fat fingers. even my wrist bones look big. my arms are flabby beyond belief. my stomach doesn't have that sunken in look today. i shouldn't blame it on all the water i drank. i'm disappointed. when i purged yesterday&the day before all i really got out was spit&blood. since i don't cry anymore, i'll burn as many calories as possible&hope ana chips away at the curvy figure people say i'm 'blessed with'. i hate when people talk about how boys don't like super skinny girls. why the fuck would i keep my body the same way, hating it every day, just so boys will like me? that's pathetic. i'm doing this for me.

thinspo:

or:

i don't understand fat girls who think they're hot. are they buying all that stuff about confidence being beauty? whatever. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else spit blood when you purge?

p.s.s. email me when i go to colorado please: ilovezette@yahoo.com

8:40am

in 7 minutes my mother will have been yelling at me for a full hour. i don't like this at all.

thinspo:

or:

gross. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

9:32am

good morning. well, for me. goodnight&good afternoon to some i suppose. since some certain peoples asked, i think i have the dates for my colorado trip. if my mother agrees, i'll be gone the december 25th - january 11th. kapeesh? that's over two weeks without posts so i'd love love love it if some of you would email me while i'm gone. i can email, i just don't want the web address to my blog on any other computer. it's not that my sisters would find out about this&try to help me. it's that they would make fun of me. after my oldest sister found out about my cutting she got a kick out of it. my alcoholic sister said something about scars&B said "oh, zette knows alllll about scars, don't you?" &laughed. i wanted to slap her. but i couldn't. so i didn't. but i still wanted to. her picture might be the first up when i get my punching bag (which i don't have the money for..so...yeah).

oh, also, liquid fast is going fine. it's just yesterday&today. i kinda cheated. i had a spoonful of yogurt. but oddly i'm not mad at myself for that. just drinking half a soda when i was out with friends. i purged in the bathroom&i sliced open my pinky finger for it. one of my friends noticed, i think. but she's sweet&quiet&won't say a word, i know. ugh. my thoughts are all over the place. i'm almost done with that kathy reichs book. it's amaaazing.

thinspo:

or:

from the left we have fat, thin, average, average, perfect, average. hm...i'd fit in great with the fat girl. dammit. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. raise your hand if you never leave the house without your makeup on. *raises own hand*

9:05am

when the first thing i hear in the morning is my mother's voice, it puts me in the shittiest of moods. i'm gonna be a grump today. oh, i'll try to climb out of it. i'll wear my best jeans&t-shirt, my favorite shoes. i'll pat myself on the back for going on the liquid fast with tearsnsorrow today&tomorrow. i didn't mean for that to rhyme. today i'm having black coffee&1/2 cup juice for breakfast. tea&water for the rest of the day. i'll be gone most of the day so i'll have to catch up on emails tomorrow. sorry ladies. i want to spend extra time with a particular friend because i know she's bigger than me but she's losing weight&my mind keeps telling me i look fat compared to her now. i mean, true, i look fat compared to almost everybody, but still. playing mind games with myself is catching up to me. i keep pretzels in my purse though in case i feel dizzy. i need to charge my ipod. glad i remembered. sitting at starbucks with no regina spektor all day would have been lonely. mmm don't you just adore my bad attitude? blah. sorry about the bitching.

thinspo:

or:

they're both blonde so no judgy. on the left, we have a skinny girl. on the right we have her fat friend. i wonder if she knows she's the fat friend? i wonder if my fat friends know they're my fat friends? oh lordy. i'm evil. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else avoid cameras at all costs? love to take photographs, hate to be in them. i'm getting a camera for christmas. i'm so fucking excited.

10:59am

woke up at 5:45am. took my dog for a quick walk outside. got back before my mother was awake. did some exercises in my room. jumped back in bed in time for her to barge in my room&'wake me up'. silly us. went grocery shopping yesterday. i got some normal things. i got 

bread (70)

&meat (60)

&cheese (60)

&pepper rings (5) to go with.

so sandwiches this week will be 195 each.

i also got rice chex for breakfast. &plain nonfat yogurt. 110cals a cup, i have half a cup plus 20cals of honey&50cals of oatmeal in it. i don't eat all of it&it keeps me full. crackers (100), ramen (too much), &more v8 (70). i think i did okay as far as shopping for food goes. least favorite activity sometimes. counting, counting, counting. sometimes i spend a day just planning&working out&counting calories of things in the fridge. then my mother gets home from work&wants to know what i've done all day. cheers for lying.

thinspo:

or:

reverse tangle. the skinny is obviously the supertan mexican girl on the left. the others fall in the ginormosaurus category of, say it with me, av-er-age.anyway, stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i like these pepper ring things. they're a little spicy&it's 5 calories for 15 of them. score.

6:00pm

my sister just said she's jealous of my perfect boy. what does she see that i don't?

anyway, inspired by annamaria. holy shit i keep too much stuff with me.

okay, so my great big bag of everything is purple. n it i have my makeup, which consists of my foundation, blus, powder, eye shadow, cream eye shadow, eyeliner, &two kinds of mascara. also..

glasses case

kathy reichs book

keys

cough drops

toothbrush

sleeping&pain pills

two packages of mints

a bottle of 5-hour energy

pencil

bath&body works spray

ibuprofen

wrinkle cream

dark grey nail polish

matches

a packet of emergen-c

&frizz-free hair serum.

dang. somehow i feel like i need that with me at all times. silly me.

nothing else is new, really. i lost another pound. i bought v8 vegetable juice today. a can of it makes a good meal replacement. &when i'm out with buddies i'll just look like a health nut. we got a christmas tree&decorated it. it looks kinda crazy but i like it. hopefully going christmas shopping tomorrow so i won't spend this money on myself. or food. yipes.

thinspo:

 or:

yes, even with a mask you can tell a fatass from a skinny. the lines on her lumberjack shirt don't help. stay strong today lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. did anyone try getting water/diet soda at a fast food restaurant&carrying around the cup? pinky promise it works.

10:29am

i woke up at 8:30. my mother didn't expect me up until 9 because i went to bed quite late. so i read another bit of the kathy reichs book i started yesterday. does anyone watch that show 'bones'? i love it, so i'm reading the books of the lady that temperance is loosely based on. it's called deja dead&it's really good so far. i'm listening to my chemistry video. i have it on so that my mother doesn't come in my room to make sure i'm behaving. i'm only getting about half of it though, because i've spent my morning commenting on your blogs. finally. i finally have something to say. but chemistry is slipping into my thoughts. "carbon dioxide bubbles in this reaction...goal weight by new years...calcium carbonate does react with acid....VS models have perfect legs....etc. anyway, on to the good stuff. the girl for today looks just like a little porcelain doll to me.

thinspo:

or:

i want to lose weight until i'm the smallest among my friends. among all of them. not just most. most isn't good enough. not even 99%. stay strong today, lovelies. give ana 100%.

xoxo

zette

p.s. go get a water (or diet coke) at a fast food restaurant. it'll make your "i just ate" story more believable.