9:08am

confession time. i fasted until like 8:30pm yesterday. then V&i went to my sister B's house&of course we had tacos&then ice cream. luckily, my braces excused me enough time to purge. still broke my fast, but not a big fuckup.

black coffee for breakfast (still getting used to the taste), along with lots of water. don't really have a plan at the moment. just getting by eating as little as i can get away with. i haven't weighed myself still. only cause i don't think i've lost much, &i'm feeling okay right now; i don't want to screw it up.

i've gotta run. think thin, stay strong. you can do it. &remember, if you get stuck in a binge cycle, don't beat yourself up for it. it happens to everybody once in a while. just get back up&keep going.

xoxo

zette

8:46am

had an okay day yesterday. had a bite of lamb curry at lunch, then some fruit cause V&i went to a baby shower about dinnertime. it was kind of fun, we cracked wire hanger abortion jokes in the kitchen while all the people who like babies were in the living room.

anyhow, i'm not sure how much i'll be posting. our computer is sicko (virus) so i'm putting my itunes on cd's cause when my brother 'fixes' it, it'll be basically a new computer. boo. already tried removing tons of programs, scanning it&then removing more stuff, using trojan removers&all that. my brother is in school to be an electrical engineer so he answers all our computer questions. smarty pants.

started the day with yelling. my mom woke me up by standing in m doorway&yelling at me to clean up. i dunno if i've said this before, but i really hate being yelled at. hate hate hate it. i can take all that she says if she says it normally, but when she yells..ughh. i've been all bummed out since last night, when i cried about nothing. nothing at all. just cried. for an hour. seriously? i'm not a big cryer lately, but that was a ridiculous sobfest last night. whatever. still have that clingy sad feeling today. oh well.

fasting to make myself feel better. if i slip up, it's 100 pushups added on to the ones i already to every day. they wear me out like crazy. stay strong, ladies. it'll get better.

thinspo weekender-legs:

or:

my thighs don't touch right now, but if they ever do again i'll cut them til they don't. i kid, but i really do hate my legs mucho.

xoxo

zette

10:30pm

waiting for V to get home from work. going with her to work tomorrow, to sit at starbucks&go shopping, it's only a 4 hour shift. then we're going to her coworker's baby shower. yuck.

i've behaved myself okay today. purge purge purge. plus 100 pushups to remind myself not to eat next time.

eating habits. just thinking about them. little things, like the way fatasses get the next bite to their lips before they even finish chewing. &the way small bites seem a waste of time. it's gross. not ladylike at all. (i say this sitting crisscross applesauce in athletic shorts&a huge tshirt. i'm just SO girly.)

anyhow, working on keeping my days below 1000 calories. once i've got that normal, i can go down to 700&then 500. nervous about hiding it though. yikes. but no worries. i can do it. 

elyse sewell is so small...thinspo for your dreams:

or:

gross. just sleep on an empty stomach. that's all ana would ask tonight.

xoxo

zette

10:34am

my sister&i drove 2 hours to a city south of here last night, got home around 2am. visited my sister (who is super skinny) &her fiance. had a pretty good conversation on the way home. she's still asleep.

anyhow, got calories out of the energy drinks it took to stay awake, &whatever was in the super healthy tasteless soup we had at my other sister's house after babysitting.

i guess the whole sister think is confusing so i'll give them initials. V lives with me&her husband is in afghanistan. B lives in the town 2 hours south of here with her fiance (&a cat named meatballs, cause their neighbor has a dag named spaghetti). B is married with 2 kids. S is my brother. better?

alright. well i'm gonna make an egg&leave the pan dirty. the whole 'let's not&say we did' thing is coming in handy. surprise likes eggs. i'm glad she's not a picky eater.

my house is freezing. i mean i know some of you guys have it way colder, but it doesn't usually get very cold here at all. so i'm a sissy about it. my fatass mother, of course, is never cold.

thinspo for thursday:

or ew:

Publish Post

not in a thousand years.

xoxo

zette

3:32pm

oh boy. new music makes me happy. i won't say "music is my life", because it isn't. but it's a big part of it. from sitting around playing guitar to writing lyrics that i'll never get around to putting music to, to listening to music for hours without getting bored. i think i like that there are no rules.

sooo my sister is pretty annoying today. well, she's prolly not acting differently. i'm just in a bitchy mood. supposed to babysit our niece&nephew with her later. i might not. i don't like babysitting&it doesn't help when i'm in such a bad mood. p.s. babies&pregnant people are ew.

on to the food. except not really. i feel gross today. let's see...50 exercises each instead of 30 each? that should make me feel better. yes, i think it will.

thinspo for your wednesday:

or there's always:

stay strong. think pretty. think thin. think perfect.

xoxo

zette

1:30pm

got my ass out of bed before 10. go me. didn't sleep a whole lot last night. maybe the caffeine in the starbucks drink last night (which i drank half of&purged immediately, like a good little girl). i think all the chaos in my head is finally situating itself. which is good, because i'm fucking insane right now. shocker, right?

dramatic friend pissed me off. alsooo, i wish people who can't understand wouldn't pretend to. it's not like they're going to get it. but they act like they totally understand&it's bullshit.

whatever. i have you guys. i'm glad i do. you guys are great&you always make me smile. thanks for the sweet comments&emails. they mean alot.

xoxo

zette

7:15pm

home alone. just me&all this food. i moved all my sister's snacks to the kitchen, since i only go in there for water. nothing for dinner. lots of frozen veggies to make if i need to, though. had a tiny truffle earlier. felt bad so i purged&then danced around my room til i started sweating, &it's super cold in my house. goodbye, calories.

i'm watching csi&i'm creeped out. i don't usually get creeped out but lately i'm pretty jumpy. &nightmares are getting worse. &i'm cutting more. but no worries. it'll be okay.

so, still trying to figure out how to fast without people noticing. especially when i used to pig out on junk food with my sister. &she keeps buying ramen by the box. sometimes i wish i could just live alone. just me&my music&a fridge full of water bottles. wouldn't it be great? i think so.

on another note, people are ignoring me lately..? some, not all. i guess i've been meaner than i meant to be. i can be sort of a bitch sometimes. even to myself. which comes in handy when i set my eyes on something like weighing 115. i know i can do it. &i will do it. &i'll finally be beautiful.

xoxo

zette