1:54pm

buried my mom's cat. i hate the way death is so clingy. it's like it lingers on my fingertips even after i scrub my arms&toss my clothes in the washing machine. i feel tainted. i feel like i should be drenched in hand sanitizer before i hold my niece. she'll be 4 in july. she's so small&happy&innocent. she's the best tiny friend.

also, i'm sick. tonsils are swollen&i have a headache. we all know my inability to keep food down isn't a symptom of that though. i'm taking all my vitamins&drinking lots of water&juice so i can get better. i'd get better faster if i ate but i don't want to. i don't want to gain.

boo being fat. boo being sick. boo having an economics test to do that i'm just going to fail. boo holding my mom's 13year old kitty til there's no pulse&then setting her in a hole in the back yard. boo monday in general. moody pieces of me aside, i promised i'd post thinspo for you little ladies.

so, thinspo:

or:

i'm in a shitty mood. i'm going back to bed. stay strong today. baby steps, remember? one day at a time. let's be small.

xoxo

zette

8:36pm

just got home. the beach was fine, blah blah blah. weekend calorie intake was 600-800. i'll have to google a couple things i'm not sure about&take out what i purged. but prolly around 700. i was in shorts&a tank top most of the time&i was freeeeezing. the weather was fine, 70-75ish but i was so cold. but now i'm home in leggings&jeans&2 shirt&a hoodie&i'm warmish. ish ish ish. oh the first morning for breakfast was eggs, fruit salad, &sausage, i cut up the sausage so i could have everything in groups of 3. apparently this is pretty amusing cause a few people noticed&told everyone else just for giggles. i told them "i just like to keep everything separate". liar liar pants on fire. oh boy.

i've gotta finish writing this stupid essay so i'll post thinspo later tonight or in the morning. i'll get caught up on your blogs tomorrow, pinky promise. i missed you guys alot. ferrealz. my ana buddy was alot of help. if you don't have an ana buddy you should get one. mine is the best ever.

xoxo

zette

7:21am

leaving this afternoon at 4:30 to meet up, climb aboard buses, &drive to the beach. i live about 5 hours away from the nearest beach so i don't go often. my passionate distaste for sand&fish shit keeps me away, too. plus the whole swimsuit thing (you know, the fact that i look terrible in one). so it'll be an interesting weekend. planning on taking a few of my own low calorie snacks so i can avoid the food there as i'm sure they'll be watching me eat.

more immediately, i have to go to school soon. just wanted to say good morning to you first. so good morning. i'm going to write a comparison&contrast essay (unless he assigns it for homework over the weekend...doubtful)&do an economics quiz. then come home&finish laundry&pack. i'm ridiculously stressed. i fasted yesterday with my ana buddy but dinner kinda knocked me off course, i had a salad...well, a plate full of spinach&a single banana pepper. no dressing of course. &then i had some chicken baked with salt&pepper. i purged but not much came up cause i had to wait for my mom to be on the other side of the house. so boo. i tried. i really really did.

thinspo: legs, to kick off your day:

or:

yikes. even if you ignore the chick in the middle&compare the fatass&tyra (for age reasons)...there's no excuse to be that huge. seriously. i think i just threw up in my mouth a bit. i'm off to brush my teeth. ughh. stay strong today. whatever you're craving, you don't need it. it will only cover your bones with another layer of fat. not as positive as usual but i've got a little bit of an attitude today so fuck it. hugs to you guys, i'll post on sunday.

xoxo

zette

11:00am

got myself out of bed. now all i have to do is put clothes on, babysit juberty, study for economics, read 'desiree's baby' and 'the shawl' again for a comparison&contrast, do tons of laundry, walk surprise, &pack for the beach bash. oh boy. by oh boy i mean shit. shitshitshit. (in case you hadn't noticed, i like the number 3)

laundry is easy. i can be doing that while i do everything else. clever little washing machine inventor, i love you. i can walk to the with surprise&take my economics book, study while she's running around the baseball field. i guess i'll take my english stuff to&read those stories over again. i'll tell beth i have to be home early so babysitting will take at the max about 2 hours. then all i have to do is pack.

breakfast - water

lunch - hunger&more water

dinner - more hunger&more water. i love fasting. i feel so weak yet so strong. hope you guys are doing well.i'm stoked about this weekend but i'll miss your blogs. if any of you in the US want my number just email me&we'll text, mmk? (ilovezette@yahoo.com) oh&i have sprint, if that matters.

shabam, thinspo time:

or:

golly. i'd wear that look on my face if i were that big, too. except i'm getting dangerously close. you guys know this already, if you saw the pic i posted of myself forever ago. my ribs have a nasty layer of fat on them&it shows.

summer is coming so quickly. personally, i have to be smaller than my sister when i spend the summer with her&vik in colorado. &she might have lost weight. i doubt it, but maybe. okay zette, chill out. to the rest of you, stay strong&think thin. if you need to, put your favorite thin song on your ipod&listen to it before you eat. or carry your fav thinspo pictures around. whatever it takes. you can do this. we can do this.

xoxo

zette

12:18pm

home from school. offered to babysit my niece&nephew today at 3. i told my sister that my mom&i would visit my brother at the va hospital at 7. so what did she say next? "oh good then i'll have plenty of time to hang out with them". seriously? i didn't say i could babysit for 4 hours. i'm glad i'll be away this summer. then maybe she'll appreciate the free babysitting she gets all the time. sorry. she just annoys me sometimes.

economics quiz on friday&then a test online over the weekend. fuckfuckfuck. i suck at economics. &my english teacher said my last essay wasn't very good. there's no way i can make an A in the class now. how am i so stupid when the rest of my family is so intelligent? not very fair.

so i'm frustrated. &people keep calling me beautiful. at the last sleepover my friend put her hands around my waist (which is huge) &went on about how small i am. then someone else picked me up&went on about how i weigh nothing. why do people do that? when people say i have pretty eyes, i joke that they're the color of shit. cause they are. why so many comments about my body? or am i just noticing it cause it's what i focus on every minute of the day?

in conclusion, i'm frustrated cause i'm a fugly retarded whale of a girl in a world of pretty smart little girls.

thinspo:

or:

quod me nutrit me destruit. (that which nourishes me destroys me) we have to be small this summer. do you really want to spend another summer deciding how to cross your legs to hide the fat? or running around with shorts&a tank top over your bikini cause nobody wants to see that stomach? come on, ladies. we can do this. stay strong, lovelies. we're all in this together. you are so so so not alone.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apparently it won't let you email me from my profile on here? sorry about that. ilovezette@yahoo.com if you need anything.

3:27pm

oh boy. water water water. i've had 6 glasses today. i look preggo. i felt a little sick but i'm feeling better now. cool&full&in control. didn't mean for that to sound cheesy. anyways, gonna skateboard with some people tonight. it's been nice not having any homework today. with no essay to write i've just been working on my own writing. new lyrics&i tuned my guitar. mellow afternoon. &wow, you guys make me smile. ferrealz yo.

okay. so a certain someone *coughDJcough* got mad at me cause i said i don't like it when weight loss becomes a competition. are you kidding? i already explained this, silly. i just think it seems to work better when we all hold each other up instead of competing. for some of you that could work better but for me it doesn't. kapeesh?

in other news, i've had 100 calories today. glass of pomegranate-blueberry juice - 60. marshmallows - 40. the marshmallows maybe seem random but i needed something super sweet. anyways, i should be able to get away with that for today&just fill up on water. might have to eat dinner later but prolly not.

i'm trying to keep up with your blogs. haven't been commenting much i guess. i only comment when i have something to say so sometimes i read&say nothing. don't most of you do the same?

thinspo:

or:

dear god, who invited the whale?? when we're small we might look a bit like lollipops with our big heads on bones but we'll be the prettiest little lollies the world has ever seen. kapeesh? also, you are not allowed to wear hooker shoes at any weight unless you are a hooker. shabam, just a few thoughts of mine.

xoxo

zette

2:17pm

you guys make me laugh. the last bit of the last post was for those of you who are running to mia when ana is too hard. mia is easy. you eat, you purge, you eat, you purge. but it damages you&it won't really help you lose weight. starving will. i think fasting is the term most of us use but starving sounds...stronger? or maybe just explicit. whatever. oh&also, i'm finding i like cold foods much better than hot. hot food seems gross&invasive. it's like even if i only take a single bite, the rest seeps into my pores&sits there. cold food is empty of the warm, full feeling food usually gives me. so cold food is better. i eat less of it.

i just got home from getting a gallon of water at walmart. i'm glad my mom believes in drinking enough water. otherwise she'd question me keeping a gallon of water in my room. she threw out my last gallon (refilled 485793827509873 times) when she was cleaning my room. i'm not sure why she does that. i ask her not to, since she doesn't know what's trash. i thought i was getting through to her after she threw away some sketches&old birthday cards. whatever. parents are parents&always will be.

school is going better. got 2 papers&a test back. A-, A-, &an A. i think i can live with that for now. hoping to knock off the minus on the essay i just turned in. found out my teacher likes that i talk to him after class casually. what can i say? i like for people to know ho i am. i don't like being invisible, &that's hard to avoid at a big school. cheers for my classmates&teachers knowing my name.

after lots of rambling, thinspo:

or:

why so blue, skinny miss? found this pic in an article about being happy with your body. oh boy. i don't think anything pinstriped besides shoes should come in sizes above 5. shabam. daily dose of whateverthefuck happens to be on my mind. stay strong, lovelies. summer is almost here. we'll be compared to other girls. let's be the prettiest.

xoxo

zette