9:52am

oh boy. saturday is homework day. gonna be a looong day. finished the other paper only to get my next assignment. this teacher never gives us a break. i have to write a kickass paper cause i'm making a B- still which is not cool at all.

anyways, about 300 calories yesterday. today screwed up right when i got up. finished off the frosty i got from wendy's last night. oh well. went running last night. i'll run farther today to burn off the cold, melted vanilla mess. i purged but i know there's something in there. i feel gross. why do i do that to myself? oh well.

going to garage sales in a fancy shmancy neighborhood on the other side of town. i live in a crap neighborhood. i like it. not this house. i hate this house. but i love the neighborhood. my town is growing ridiculously fast but it still has that small town feel. all the grocery store people know us&employees everywhere watched me&my siblings grow up. it's pretty nice. but i cannot resist fancy shmancy garage sales. especially late in the day, when everything is marked down&you can buy lots of crap you need or don't need. also need to go thrifting soon.....

thinspo:

or:

my goal is always to be no one's fat friend. so i can either quit talking to skinny people..or i can be one. it's alot of work but i will be thin. &so will you. shabam. now you've heard it. go forth&be encouraged.

xoxo

zette

p.s. keep a food journal. it helps tremendously to be able to copy a 'good' day you had a while back when you're unsure.

4:10pm

oh boy sorry about the delay. the past few days have been..well.... i'm not sure how to put this so you can see accurately..stresshomeworkschoolorthodontistpainyellingfightsstressrunninghurtingsleepingstresscrying, etc. but i've kept this shit to myself. pity party throwers got to me so i shut up a bit. i just woke up from a nap. i seem to sleep much better when the sun is up. too bad my schedule won't work around that.

okay so i got my braces tightened this morning. &some other stuff. i'm not sure exactly what he did, but when he started he told another orthodontist "this is gonna be fun". fun for HIM, he means. not fun for the sleep girl in the chair. anyway, came home&complained so my mother would not make me eat anything. but suddenly her maternal instincts burst forth&she takes me to the store to get some soft food. my mother isn't very helpful. at all. she's the sort of person who expects you to hold doors open for them. (i say this because she expects that). i like helping people. i really do. but with outside stuff. not inside stuff. if you tell me you're having a rough time, i'll try to say something appropriate&then drop it. i'm not good at being nice. not to people in teh real world, anyway. you guys are good to me so i try to return it. but if you met me in person, you'd walk away muttering "what a bitch.." that's just how i am.

calorie wise, i've been doing alright. usually 400 or under. but it's wearing me out&i have to do better in school. just having a hard time balancing weight loss&...well, everything else. like right now i'm trying to finish this outline&do a little economics homework. but i can't concentrate. my stomach hurts&i'm afraid if i sit somewhere comfortable i'll fall asleep&wake up just in time to put pants on before school. yes, i could prolly sleep that long. it seems my rambling days are far from over. sorry about that.

thinspo:

or:

again, there is a big difference between thin&average. big thighs are average. i don't want to be average. do you??

xoxo

zette

8:43pm

alright so i've neglected you guys today. sorry. i have to leave the house at 6 in the morning so technically i have about 8 hours to work on this essay. 8 hours is enough, right? i got an energy drink for the morning so i can stay awake in class. i'll just have to add another mile to my run&alot of extra crunches for it. if i ate like a normal person i'd have incredible abs by now. haha

easter lunch today. yikes. lamb&asparagus&chips&hummus&mashed potatoes&strawberries, oh my. i got through it with about 300 calories. not what i wanted, but i tried. leftovers are tempting but luckily i have an awesome ana buddy. ferrealz. she's the best. you guys are pretty great too. your comments made me smile&i don't smile a whole hell of alot these days. emo moment? my bad. haha well i've gotta finish this damn essay so i'll wrap it up here.

thinspo:

or:

if everyone else is in a swimsuit&you feel obligated to wear a tshirt, chances are you've got room for ana in your life. stay strong today, lovelies. you guys help me so much so i hope i help you a bit. &remember, inside every fatass are bones waiting to show their beauty.

xoxo

zette

p.s. yes, this is the same essay i've had soooo much time to finish. i could be a superhero with the procrastinating i do. the procrastinator. sounds pretty harcore. maybe. okay i kid, i kid.

10:04am

goal for today: stay as empty as possible&finish this fucking essay. it's a comparison&contrast&i've got a page so far. my teacher said it should be 2-5 pages. fuckfuckfuck. after this it's prolly another essay&then final exam&i really want to bring my grade up to an A. but my brain is working in sslloooww motion so i'm fucked.

i still haven't gained. i think doing so many crunches&running is what's saved me so far. but i won't rely on that anymore. if i do, chances are i'll just get tones&i do not want to be muscular. i used to have crazy arm muscles from getting in fights (not a tough guy, i just have a bad temper) but now they're back to just...flab. ugh. even the word is gross. people keep telling me how thin i am. but it's only the ones who know what i'm doing to be thin who tell me i'm too skinny. perspective? i suppose. funny how knowledge can twist a person's point of view. you guys would prolly take one look at my thighs&yell at me to run right now. but my nosy friend sees my ribs&coaxes me to eat. like a puppy or something. except puppies are cute. i'm definitely not cute. but i'm thinking i'll change my profile picture on here? to one of the following.

me as a little kid, or

current. ew. i swear my waist is getting wider. yikes. that's scary.

so..little kid or current me? hm.....

after tons of nonsense, real thinspo for you:

or:

can you spot the fatty? hint:she's the one about to explode out of her uniform. yikes.

stay strong today, lovelies. even when alot of other things are shitty, you can at least be skinny, right?

xoxo

zette

11:42am

breakfast was 200 calories but i purged so...i dunno. lunch is a big fat question mark cause i'll be at the mall with my sister's B&C&my niece&nephew. should be an interesting day. especially cause it's rainy&windy. i'll prolly wear a loose skirt&tshirt with converse. feeling fat today. (as usual, but more so on this particular friday)

depending on what i have for lunch, i'll prolly double my little workout tonight. &i'll go running even though i have zero endurance when sick. i'll just have to deal with it.

thinspo:

or:

that, darling, is the difference between ana&average. let's not be average, eh? let's be small. no one wants to take up any extra space. ew. stay strong today, lovelies, &i'll do the same. we can do it.

xoxo

zette

9:19am

been a little out of it. i suppose that could be partly cause i'm sick. i've kept my calories fairly low but i haven't felt up to much exercise (except 200-250 crunches) so i haven't lost any weight. i'm tempted to eat normally until i kick this sickness but i'd rather be achy for a few extra days than gain anything, i think. cause i feel huge. is this how obese people feel all the time? like they won't fit somewhere? like they should wear loose black all the time to hide everything? i hate this. no, i don't have the energy to hate much of anything right now. but i definitely don't like it. the last time i cried it was cause i'm fat. i don't want to be this big anymore. it's disgusting. &i'm extremely jealous of you shorties. i've never measured but i'm told i'm 5'8" &that just adds to feeling big. so to you little 5'5"s &under, just know that i'm jealous.

rambling quite alot lately. since i screwed up so bad on the last economics class i'm not sure if i'll pass the class. 100's on the homework but it's not enough to forgive my quiz&test scores. fuck. my mother will murder me. in other news, maybe partying this weekend. it'd be fun to spend the day wandering around downtown talking to crazy strangers. maybe go to jimmy's little voodoo shop&say hello. then party my ass off the way i used to. maybe that would get me out of this weird mindset i'm stuck in. i'm rambling again, so i'll quit now.

thinspo:

or:

good move on avoiding a string bikini, fatty. it would have been lost for eternity in your rolls. okay little ladies, i'm off to comment on your blogs. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

3:30pm

oh boy. monday was bloody awful but today is going a little better. late breakfast was a salad&juice=150 calories. lunch is spinach&a piece of tilapia=160 cals. dinner....not sure yet.

i'm glad i'm in a better mood. i hit lows suddenly&i am not a nice person. so cheers for wearing a smile again. okay remember kids, food is armless&dangerous. enough to keep your organs functioning&no more. kapeesh? of course. you guys already know all this. you guys are the best. to those who gained a little over the weekend, don't worry about. you can lose it again&lose more after it. just use it for motivation.

thinspo:

 

or:

for once, a before&after. holy shit. i'm gonna go refill my water bottle&find an episode of the biggest loser to watch. stay strong today, lovelies. you'll be just fine.

xoxo

zette