2:09pm

i suppose i should mass reply to some complaints i've gotten.

first of all, i'm told i don't tell you guys enough about my intake. well okay, i'll fix that. easy enough. plus it's a good way to be held accountable. so far today i had ovaltine for breakfast (200ish) &a small plum for lunch (50ish). besides that i had a bit of limeade which should bring my total so far up to 300. my mother will be at work around dinnertime so i'll choose something small out of the fridge to throw away.

second, my font. apparently it's too small. well, fine. i don't want to change it but for my darling readers....

third, no stats. oh cry about it. i don't want to post my stats. i feel disgusting already, i'd rather not broadcast exactly what i weigh.i think i've already discussed this, so i'll leave it at that.

i was listening to flyleaf today (shocker, i know) &a song called "eyes to see" has the lyrics "if you had eyes to see down inside your stomach you would understand what i need, who i am." hmm....just thinking about it. i don't understand it but i like it.

thinspo:

or:

i love victoria beckham. i want my legs to look like hers, so that my thighs aren't much bigger than my calves. or you can give up now&accept being curvy. gross. please don't.

xoxo

zette

6:48pm

went grocery shopping with my mother. asked for just about everything. as you already know, it's important that my mom consider me normal. i frequent the kitchen for snacks when she's home. when she leaves for work i take the snacks i didn't feed to surprise&put them in the trash can outside. when i'm home alone i avoid the kitchen, only opening the refrigerator for more water&lemon juice. i will be small no matter what it takes. i'm disgusting. i don't want to weigh myself until the mirror tells me i'm doing well. with all the shit i've been going through i need to concentrate on something i can control. cheers for control. for having my head on straighter than it was. for having all of you lovely ladies to keep me going. for being able to ignore the voices inside&outside of my head that tell me to give up for whatever reason. i can do this. i know i can. there aren't a whole lot of things i can do but i know i can lose weight. i just have to lose enough.

thanks for sticking with me on my roller coaster. i know some days i can be a bit nasty. kudos for all your support.

thinspo:

or:

ummm fat people make average people look skinny. either never hang out with a thin person again or just quit eating. kapeesh? simple but not easy, i know. that's what i'm here for. to kick you in the butt when you want to quit.

xoxo

zette

2:12pm

mothers day. oh boy. my sister was going to get her a tea kettle. my mother bought herself one. i was going to pay for her to get a haircut. she got her hair cut yesterday. why so difficult? fuck it. i'll just clean the house.

in other news, if one more person comes up to me&tells me how sorry they are for my loss, i am going to slap them&then i am going to scream. i don't care that they're sorry. they're not as sorry as i am. sorry that i ever complained about babysitting jude. sorry that i ever handed him off to my sister when he got heavy. sorry that i didn't appreciate spending the first two weeks of his life taking care of his sister&his mother. sorry that i'm already breaking my promise. i promised i wouldn't remember him hooked up to all those machines. but i do remember. &i remember him being unhooked. &i remember my sister screaming for him&i know those screams will haunt my dreams for a long time. &i remember kissing him goodbye. i remember him cold&small&blue&gone.

i am sad. i am fat. i am angry. i am being rude to people&it's not their fault. but i am trying to do better. i'm trying to keep up with encouraging you guys. sorry i'm doing such a lousy job.

thinspo:

or:

if you're going to let yourself go at least get a little sun on that vampire skin.

cheers to all of you who are doing well&to those of you feeling unmotivated.

xoxo

zette

10:38pm

so i was doing crunches today&i was almost to 100 when i watched my stomach&realized my ribs seem to be disappearing again. fuck fuck fuck. i ran to the bathroom&had my toothbrush in the back of my throat before i realized i hadn't eaten anything in the past 3 hours or so. i felt silly. so i drank&purged a glass of water just in case. nothing came up. just water. but i didn't feel empty. i just had a bite of chicken&21 sugar snap peas for dinner. about 50 calories. 50 little calories that i will not keep inside me while i sleep. so i'm off to purge before it settles.

wait, i remember what i wanted to say now. some of you seem to be really discouraged. don't be so fucking hard on yourself. i have a secret. we all eat. it's why we're still breathing. just remember that we all screw up. you're not the only one who takes "days off" from ana so you can think straight. keep your chin up&only continue if it's what you want. this isn't a contest. we're all backing each other. kapeesh? okay pep talk over. i've missed you guys.

xoxo

zette

7:15pm

these cuts don't tell my story, they hide it. some days i wish my bones would pierce my skin&let me out of this disgusting body.

thinspo:

or:

i may have used this reverse before. i don't remember. but i don't care, either. one fatty one skinny. please though, do not let your hair look like that no matter what you weigh.

i'm off to a concert at the harbor, to walk around in my short shorts&compare my legs to other legs i see. it's more fun than it sounds. sometimes i'm ashamed at the comparisons, sometimes i'm proud.

xoxo

zette

12:34pm

passed my economics test last night with a whopping 75. why couldn't the rest of my family be stupid, too? i feel so left out. they do all have bigger heads than mine....maybe that's part of it. whatever. i was listening to flyleaf (my favorite band of all time, not gonna lie)&one line caught my attention. "don't be quick to lick the scab off". it made me think of fried chicken. prolly the same texture. i'm scarred for life. fried chicken will forever disgust me.

in other news, my sister&her husband&my niece moved back into their house on monday. so i spent the night with liberty in her bed. we watched finding nemo&then she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder&her leg draped over me. cuddle little 3 1/2 year old. also, played in the sandbox with her for an hour the next day. so i'm sunburned. i'm all slimy with aloe vera. hopefully it'll turn into a tan. especially cause i'm competing with my sister to see who can get the darkest. i'm ahead cause there's snow in colorado&it's hot here. cheers for the south.

so i'm slowly getting back to my old self. sort of. i seem to fade in&out. so we'll see. i've missed you guys. i've got finals coming up but i promise i've been reading your blogs&i'll post comments as soon as i have more time. i'm gonna go running. my calories are okay but my legs are gross.

my summer thinspo:

or:

fat vs. skinny. let's be skinnies. skinnies always win.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thanks for checking on me, guys. you're the best.

9:40am

i'm not okay. i won't be okay for a while. i miss my nephew terribly&i'm not looking forward to spending the night over there with them monday night when they move back into their house. i'm getting a kitten on tuesday but my mother isn't happy about it. i failed me economics quiz. i can't think. in other news, sick&sunburned&i've got time to kill. so i'm going to answer some questions(&comments) i've gotten lately via email.

1. does it help to keep a food diary?

yes. for me anyway. since i don't have someone here to hold me accountable, i hold myself accountable instead. writing down everything i eat is not easy for me. i'll literally pick up food&put it down cause i don't want to have to write it down later. &then when i have good days, it's a tiny reward to put it in writing. then on rough days i can go back&copy one of those good days, knowing i can do it cause i've done it before.

2. So how much do you really weigh?

in case you hadn't noticed, i'm sensitive about discussing that. if i happen to get away with reaching my goal weight, i will let everyone know. but until then just know i am a whale with slightly (&i do mean slightly) visible ribs.

3. How come you wanna be a shorty?

cause little miss 5'2"s are down to 90 pounds&chances are my weight will be over 100 for a long time if not forever. smaller numbers are prettier, regardless of height.

4. how old are you?

old enough for people to think i'm a pathetic 20something-year-old lady who lives with her mother. i'd rather not share my age. i'm young. ish.

5. how do you undo a binge? like a really big one?

i purge immediately. i shove a toothbrush down my throat as far as it will go&i don't stop until all that comes out is stomach acid nastiness. then i drink a glass of water&purge that too. then comes the workout. i stretch every muscle i can feel&then i do lunges, 50 each side. then i do 100 crunches. then i run as hard as i can until i hurt all over. then i drink some water&take a breather. then i do it again. this is for any binge, whether it's a teaspoon of peanut butter or an entire cake.

6. What is it with you and crunches?

they hurt. i like that. they don't burn as many calories as running but they feel good.

7. I think the girls in your thinspo look sick.

okay. but that's about the size i want to be. it's my blog, not yours. you can post whatever thinspo you like on YOUR blog.

8. is it better to fill up on water during a fast or go on empty and let your stomach shrink?

it depends. it's always good to drink plenty of water. &it can be helpful when you're fasting to fill up on it if you haven't adjusted to hunger pains. but i do think it's best to let your stomach shrink while keeping well hydrated at the same time. being dehydrated is not good for anything.

9. I have two room mates so I cant keep thinspo pictures around. What should I do instead?

honestly some of my best thinspo is walking around my school or around my city's hot spot. there are skinny girls everywhere. last night i was walking at the harbor&i saw so many skinny girls. alot were in the same type of group: skinny girl, average guy, &a fat chick. skinny girl&average guy hold hands, fat girl tries to keep up. that inspires me sometimes more than looking at pictures. so just get out&go people watching. it's fun.

10. What was your favorite food before your eating disorder and what is your favorite now?

sesame chicken. i loved it. like, alot. now my favorite is sushi. &yes i had sushi 2 days ago. &yes i still fight it when people say i have an eating disorder. i could stop if i wanted to. if i wanted to be fat, that is.

11. Youre so pretty why still single?

oh boy. for starters, my dad was an ass. plenty of people who suffer abuse as children have a hard time trusting people later in life. i'm a statistic. so i'll stick to just having guy friends. besides that, i'm not a very good person&i wouldn't wish myself as a girlfriend for any of the guys who ask me out. my cold little heart is not very inviting.

12. aren't you afraid some kid will find your blog and develop anorexia?

first of all chances are if a wannarexic finds my blog, they were looking for it. &if they find it by accident, they will know better. we all have free will. i take full responsibility for what i say in my blog but what others do with it is up to them.

13. are your nails ever blueish?

not in a while but i always keep them painted a pearly white color anyways. same goes for my toenails.

14. how many ana buddies do you have?

well one really. i text her fairly often&she's very helpful. she texted me once pretty late with a question about purging. other days she needs someone to tell her to keep going. i need the same thing. that's what ana buddies are for. however, there is one other person i text&quite a few who email me. i try to be as helpful as possible&to make time for everybody.

15. Where do you live?

hi creeper. i'm somewhere in the united states of america. this being the internet i'll leave it at that.

16. what is good to drink besides water?

if you're getting sick of water, try tea or coffee. cold? try fuze. it's low calorie. sugar free energy drinks are better, &one called 'venom' is fairly low calorie too. besides that i drink ovaltine for breakfast for vitamins&to wake up my metabolism.

17. what should i tell friends at meals when i don't want to eat?

anything. "i have a canker sore", "i'm doing a cleanse", whatever you can think of. a good idea is to sit down&make a list of excuses that will work for you so that you don't end up saying "i feel sick at my stomach" every day.

18. how come you dont just lose weight the healthy way?

cause technically i am at a healthy weight. if i gave a shit about being healthy i wouldn't get excited when i can see bones. i want to be thin, not healthy. can't always have both.

19. Do you miss your period a lot?

no, i don't think i have at all. well maybe once. i don't really keep track....

20. I take very small bites and separate everything on my plate. What should I tell people when they notice?

you can either separate your food mentally or laugh it off with "i know i'm so OCD right?" that's what i do. cause i group everything into 3's. 

thinspo:

 or:

2 girls on the right vs. 2 girls on the left. 

who do you want to be like? let's be small.

xoxo

zette