8:20am

i have braces. apparently i'll have them for another year. my skin is mostly clear but scarred from when it was not. other places are scarred, too, from times i couldn't think. my facial features are too big for my head. my eyes are huge. my lips are fat. my cheekbones scream of my native american genes, far too high. i have to be small. i have a small head&it only makes my curves look bigger. by curves i mean layers of fat&unnecessary muscle clinging to my bones. i feel disgusting.

i cut last night. or this morning. it was 3ish. around 4 i wanted to cut again. instead i got a handful of ice&held it until it melted, loving the cool burn. someone asked me yesterday how my niece&nephew are. i told them my niece is doing great. they asked again about my nephew. i walked away. i miss him so much.

thinspo:

or:

well it's not a blonde. hm...the funny thing is i know for a fact the shorty is a cheerleader. why do they let fat people be cheerleaders? don't know they know that flabby arms don't look cute in uniforms? maybe they need more people for stunts so the skinny girls can be on the top. maybe. stay strong today, lovelies, &thanks for everything.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i feel ugly today. the plan? as many crunches as possible&a whole lot of makeup. paired with hide&seek style clothes. love baggy clothes.

11:49am

wanted to get on here in time to say good morning, instead of afternoon. 10ish til. yikes. i went to bed 12:30&i fell asleep around 4:30am. got up around 10. god. i need to fix my sleep schedule. too bad i'm afraid of the dark.

still having nightmares about fires. rightly so, as the high for today is 104degrees. sheesh. i want to move waaay up north. like, montana. montana sounds lovely. or colorado. almost everything is north compared to where i live so i guess anything goes.

spent yesterday feeling dizzy. i only fell twice&i kind of caught myself. i ran for half an hour at the park&walked for another half hour before the sun went down. i haven't had breakfast. i think i'll just have a smoothie. by smoothie i mean strawberries&ice. thank god for food journals. otherwise i'd be snacking all day. it seems so innocent, to take a bite of this&a bite of that throughout the day. but if you add it all up you'll realize you've eaten quite a lot. so don't do it. don't eat it if you don't know how many calories are in it.

thinspo:

or:

 why are you shopping there, blondie? nothing is going to fit you. oh, right, you'll put it on anyway&pretend you don't have a shit ton of fat rolling over your jeans. gross. if you're going to be a foodwhore at least cover the evidence. i'm mean today. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm giving myself kudos for making myself encourage people when i feel like shit. so, kudos to me.

2:37pm

oh brother. not up to par today. last night was fun. mostly. hung out with my friend N&her friend chris. well N&i have been best buds since 2nd grade. chris i just met yesterday. he kept staring at me. we were watching old movies (the haunting, then young frankenstein) &he kept trying to hold my hand. then i accidentally touched my leg&he reciprocated. then kept trying to inch his hand up my leg. you ladies know me so you know i don't like to be touched. at all. it was terribly awkward. more for him than for me. the whole time he had his hands on me i swear all he must have felt was fat fat fat. ugh. if you ever meet me, please don't touch me. i don't appreciate it.

i'm dizzy today. i've already fallen once. i like this feeling but then again i don't. it's terribly inconvenient. i had emergen-c in a glass of water. but i still feel tired. i'd eat a little something but i have to lose weight. have to have to have to. yes, i say things 3 times sometimes. 3 is a good number. shabam.

thinspo:

or:

cause fat people don't even look good in hoodies. better, but not good. we need to be small for winter, too. in winter you have to be small enough to pile on layers&not look like the michelin man. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. as much as i hate admitting to needing anything, i'ma need you guys like crazy between now&the end of october. always, but especially now. thanks for everything, darlings.

9:28am

i've got 2 months to shrink. i want my friend to comment on how small i am. not sure why. but i do. then after that visit, my sister V will expect me in colorado again. my oldest sister&her husband&their daughter might be coming, too. if that's the case i'll drive with them. but if not, then V will fly me up there. my sister loves me so. she texts me sometimes just to say "you are fat." once i posted a status on facebook, something like "i'm hungry...." V commented: "&fat....i know you'll make the right choice." i laughed it off but i actually took her advice. i'm extremely careful around her so i know she doesn't know. it's kind of nice, actually, to have someone call me fat so often as a joke. my sisters tend to tell me that i can rest easy cause of the fat jokes. it's when they stop that i should be worried. so if my sisters ever quit calling me fat, i will never eat again.

in other news, i am tired of all the hating. i'm not sure why people are taking the time to email me about how pathetic i am&how at this rate i'll die before i look good. i hope you get fiberglass in your eyes today, anonymous bitches. but i do have to give a shout out to all the lovely emails i get with tips&encouragement&whatnot. you ladies are fantastic.

thinspo:

or:

ohboy. it's a blonde again. i don't mean to. when i see a good reverse, i bookmark it. this happens to be the next one. but look at the brunette's legs. can i have legs like that please? of course. if my bones are that small, then i can. stay strong today, lovelies. i feel okay today. i think zombiezette is taking a day off. cheers.

xoxo

zette

p.s. tired of having nightmares about fires. they creep me out. blahh.

10:33am

zombie zette returns. i might go back to bed&get up when my mother leaves for work. right now she's in the kitchen making pancakes for me. like a normal mother. no no no, i do not want a normal mother. a normal mother loves her children instead of ignoring them. what if she hugs me? what would i do? i'd be myself, of course. i'd give her a "what the hell?" look&wriggle away. i don't like hugs, i don't like cuddles. i do not like them here or there, i do not like them anywhere.

i suppose it's because i like to think of myself as a separate creature from the rest of the world. as if i live on the world&not in it. but then someone who misses me spots me somewhere&what do i get? a hug. it brings me back to reality. sometimes they ask the usual how-are-you's but sometimes they wrap their arms around me&feel my ribs between their fingers&the conversation take a different turn, &i get all the are-you-okay's.

i like being alone. &empty. physically, but mentally sometimes, too. depression or something like it is sneaking in. i know, cause i don't want to do anything. i was going to purge last night&afterward i set my face on the side of the toilet&just stared. i wish everybody else would move in slow motion with me, so i could keep up. i feel like i'm drowning. &yet peaceful in a way. ho-hum.

also, i really want to get tiny fast. a friend of mine will be here in october. my dramatic friend, if you can remember her. the trippy thing is that she can be kind of harsh about all my odd eating. but i love her to death anyways. i'm excited to see her, but i'm terribly worried that she will be expecting me to be smaller than i am. that she'll say something like "oh, i was worried for nothing" without thinking. i have to be small. i have 2 months. i can do this...if i can stop being zombie zette. fuckfuckfuck. i'm going back to sleep.

thinspo:

or:

just a little innocent comparison. before you wear a dress that accentuates a certain part of you, make sure that part will look good with attention drawn to it. sorry for making it a blonde again.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i just passed my mother's room. she's eating pancakes. this is her second breakfast. disgusting.

11:16am

sometimes i pretend i don't need people. that way, when they get to know me better&run screaming in the other direction, it doesn't hurt. cause i seem to have misplaced my heart. yes, i've got something in there ordering my blood around, but besides that the damn thing has run out on me. i treat people really terribly most of the time. i walk around most places with a fake but entirely convincing confidence about me that other people wouldn't dare test. i make stupid remarks. to "you look familiar. do i know you from somewhere?" i would typically reply "in your dreams, i'm sure" or "you're not that lucky". fake confidence is just as much a lie as telling someone you already ate. though sometimes it's the truth, &the trust scares people. trust me. take a conversation that happened a couple days ago. "hey zette are you going out to eat with us?" "no thanks, i ate yesterday." "what do you mean??" "oh whoops, guess i'm using my niece's version of time. you know, when last year means yesterday. i meant i ate before i came. next time, though." mm yes lying is convenient. like when i tell people i'm fine simply because i don't want to speak to them about why i'm not. oh brother. i'm insane. none of you should look up to me, really. i've got okay grammar but besides that i'm a fuckup. if you knew me in person, you wouldn't like me much at all. just saying.

a certain boy..we'll call him chris..won't stop texting me. how do i know him? i don't. my friend told me to add him on facebook. i did. he blew up facebook chat&hasn't stopped talking since. he got my number off facebook&texts me more than fishies swim. so why did my friend set us up? well, cause she's engaged to another guy, who is in boot camp for the army, &she has a big mutherfucking crush on chris. so to make herself feel better, she thought she'd set him up with me so that she wouldn't have that temptation. too bad for her, though, cause he bugs the hell out of me&i'm not looking to day anyway. not till i'm thin, at least. my friend isn't a very good friend. well she is in person. it's great fun hanging out with her. but she only hung out with me when all her other friends were out of down. sucks to be someone's last resort. i'm a little upset. more than a little. for multiple reasons. i'm going to get a 1/2 cup of corn flakes, finish my book, &go running in the rain. sorry for the long post. just had that much to say today, i suppose.

or:

you can be tiny, or you can be...not tiny. it's your choice, little miss. if you're going to get matching outfits, at least get one that you look good in. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apologies for the whining, i'm just frustrated. major kudos to you if you read the whole damn thing.

9:48am

first things first, major kudos to BellaAna for having my back. i'm never sure what to say to anonymous commenters. i'm never even sure why they say things anonymously. isn't the fact that we're online anonymous enough? i suppose if you can't take hating you shouldn't dish it. oh well. cheers for little ladies who will stand up for you when you don't know how.

i couldn't sleep last night. so i made a grilled cheese sandwich&set it next to the computer. when i got up again, i threw it away. not sure why i didn't want it but i'm glad for it anyhow. got up at 5:30 but i didn't run very long. got back to my house by 6:40&it doesn't take long to run to the park. oh well. tomorrow is a do-over&i'll forgive myself. maybe. why do i suck at running lately? i'm alright when i start but after just 5 minutes or so i hurt all over as if i got tackled the day before. i miss being a good runner. oh, i wanted to ask you ladies, i read somewhere that if you walk a mile you get the same exercise as if you run a mile....is that true? the more i thought about it the more confused i got.

i woke up this morning&my first thought was of sushi. sushi so early? i really like the stuff. good thing i'm broke, cause i don't need it. guess what i stocked up on instead? cornflakes. the plainest of plain cereal. 100cals a cup. i also like cereal cause if i change my mind, it's not hard to get rid of it. gross. on to prettier things.

thinspo:

or:

look closely. compare the girl on the left to the girl in the center. yikes. oh of course it's a blonde again. i pinky promise, nothing against blondes. you guys should see my bookmarks. it's a few old ana sites, &then the rest are each labeled "reverse". bookmarked pictures to be shared with you. gotta love it. stay strong, lovelies, &thanks for everything. you guys are fantastic.

xoxo

zette

p.s. ferrealz BellaAna thanks. you should go follow her blog, just click her name.