7:17pm

what's new? well, c's mother is home under hospice. so...they're pretty much waiting for her to die. my friend overdosed saturday. she died sunday morning. that's what sucks about the party scene. different people, same cycle. i've watched people i met in church become sluts to pay for their favorite whatever. people get shot, overdose, kill themselves, wreck their cars. etc. &yet i miss it. i want so bad to go to a party&get completely wasted the way i used to. but i shouldn't.

i went running last night. it was good. except my feet hurt like hell. yes, i'm still cutting. stupid stupid stupid me. &sorry for disappearing. things are just kind of shitty lately..hopefully i'll be back soon. don't get fat in my absence.

they look so young. they're my age. the redhead looks great. &the brunette, too, though i highly doubt she's naturally that color. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. down two pounds. hoping to drop 8 or 10 more before my friend from oregon gets here in october.

12:35pm

sometimes when one person says something negative, it encourages others to say negative things. so i'm getting emails that the bigger girls in my thinspo are too small to be reverse. oh my god i'm so sorry girls, how dare i have a lower goal weight than some of you. seriously? fuck off. i'm in the shittiest of moods lately&i'm a brat enough to not want to hear that some of you disagree with things on my blog. yeah, i did say that. when i'm not going through shit i'll take what you say&move on. but at the moment, leave me the fuck alone.

in other news, i found an old journal i never used. it's small&purple. it'll fit in my bag so i can always carry it. new food journal? yes.

thinspo:

or:

god i hope the girl on the right is not where you want to be. stay strong today, lovelies. i hope to be back with my head on straight soon.

xoxo

zette

p.s. apologies in advance to those that get all weepy about today's post.

3:30pm

well i was up until 5ish. got up around 9ish. no reason. just couldn't sleep. anyway, my brother-in-law's mom went to the hospital last night (the one with cancer) cause she was having trouble breathing. so it's not looking good. doctors are saying she prolly won't pull through. seriously? how much death before my family gets a fucking break??

thinspo:

 or:

i'd invite a fatty over to take pictures with. except my mind is just a little fucked up. so chances are i wouldn't see a difference. one of my friends is 25lbs heavier than i am. but i still feel huge around her. i'm disgusting. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. leaving my limit at 600.

12:35pm

not a great day yesterday. picked pears with my niece. &i ended up going up to 770 on my calories. i'm supposed to keep it at 600, but i usually go up to 700. so should i keep beating myself up for going 100 over or should i just make my limit 700 since that's what i can do? adivce, please.

not a great night, either. anxiety attack had me up until 3am. i called my friend but he wasn't helping. he kept telling me to say things&he knows i can't talk very well when my breathing is that fucked up. so i hung up, cut, &calmed down pretty fast. sometimes my ways are just better than another's.

i had 2 tangerines for breakfast. now i'm having goldfish crackers. half a serving, which is 65 calories. the other half serving is for eating in front of my mother later, cause i'll be skipping lunch. doubling workouts again today. cause besides the770 yesterday i had ice cream. so i purged until nothing came up. then i drank a glass of water&purged that too. gross. then i went jogging for an hour. after my mother went to bed i did crunches, lunges, push ups, &plies for another hour. damn ice cream.

thinspo:

or:

the only one hiding her legs is the one who has small enough legs to show. oh&to certain (anonymous) people, if you don't like my reverse thinspo there are lots of girls who don't post any. go follow them. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. still have this damn dog. i'm calling her pepper. i'm putting flyers up today. hoping my mother will let me keep her a little longer.

p.s.s. it's still real girl thinspo. fashion obsessive people tend to think they are models, which is why i like the pictures. some of them are, but they're private so no touchups so no unrealistic inspiration.

11:42am

oh goodness. all the comments&the emails about my arms made me laugh. my arms are so flabby. they look huge to me cause i used to work moving furniture so they were muscular, but then i quit. so they stayed big&got fat. grosss. but thanks anyways. you guys are sweet.

since i'm sure you're dying to hear about my super exciting sleepover with my 4year old niece, here's the scoop (i realize you don't give a shit about my immature adventure but i'ma tell you anyway) well, we had kale soup for dinner. &i brought 3 tangerines. one for me, two for my niece. her parents ran off to see a movie at the harbor theater. anyway, we watched a tinkerbell movie. then we watched "lord of the beans" a veggie tales movie. which is suspiciously like "lord of the rings". characters were bilboy baggypants, randolf, todo, &the rest of the flobbits. made me laugh. my niece is crazy cute. we also had coffee ice cream. we slept on the couch. she woke me up at 4:30am to inform me of a 'robot' in the room. actually it was light coming in where the blinds were bent. we discussed this. &we talked about shadows&light&when the sun would come up. anyway, stayed up for an hour talking. i decided she was fibbing about not being afraid of the 'robot' so we went to her room&fell asleep there. we got up&had coffee&yogurt together this morning outside by the pool. lossa calories.

coffee was 100, yogurt was 140, ice cream was 160ish, &soup was about 150. oh well.

in other news, i decided to make the thinspo pictures bigger. i rarely go back&read my own blog so i didn't notice how small they were. font will stay small. i like small things, if you hadn't noticed. cheers for rambling.

thinspo:

or:

thin vs. average. if you prefer average, we prolly aren't going to get along. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. found a stray dog yesterday. the pound knows i have her so i'm waiting for the owners to call. she looks a little like toto from the wizard of oz. just so ya know.

11:36am

"have you eaten breakfast?" "no, not yet." dammit, zette. you were supposed to say yes. you were supposed to make an excuse to not eat. fuck fuck fuck. i keep screwing up in the smallest but annoying ways. no cheers for failures. also, nightmares about hospitals suck. &i woke up with a bad feeling this morning. i miss my nephew. so much. not just having him around, but i miss him as a person. he was a sweetie. i miss those times....

besides that, i should answer some email questions i got from last night's post.

okay, the nazi diet is nothing that i know of. it's just what i call it when i cut the crap&quit being nice to myself. it works for me when i can keep it going. instead of filling up on water, i let myself feel it when i'm hungry. i miss that feeling. i like it. so i'm going back to it.

also, i had people telling me they didn't think the brunette was big enough to be reverse thinspo. that's fine. for you. but the thinspo i put up are pictures that inspire me. so maybe you're shooting to be cuvy&i'm shooting for bones. whatever floats your boat. &speaking of pictures..

thinspo:

or:

white pants are a scary thing. don't wear them if you have second thoughts. they won't hide any of the things that jeans should hide. careful wearing white, ladies. it clearly doesn't suit everyone. hell, just stay away from matching outfits if you don't look better in it than the other person. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. kelly's comment made me laugh.

6:54pm

screwed up today. working out like crazy, giving myself time to work this out in my head. then friday starts the nazi diet. the hate i have for myself will keep me going. the hate i have for this body will help me keep it as empty as possible in preparation for my friend's visit&for my colorado trip. carrying around a taco bell cup filled with lemon water lately. saves me excuses, cause it looks like i just ate. anyway..got a dress today. it's pretty. it's off-white&lacy. i can wear it this winter with leggings&boots&a jacket, to hide all the fat i will inevitably still have. yes, i'm being hard on myself. i have to be. i eased up on myself&i gained. never ever ever again.

thinspo:

or:

of course you can show some skin. when it's just skin. but when you've got big legs we need no proof of what your stomach looks like. easy there, brunette. cover it up. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i just heard "xoxo zette" in my head in the way that girl days "xoxo, gossip girl". lame?