10:18am

talked to my dramatic friend on the phone last night. well....i called her a thousand times until she answered. i'm a pest. anyway, i asked her straight out if she thought i was fat. she laughed&said no, but pointed out that my "bones don't show". i'm telling myself it's the shirt i wore under my shirt&the leggings i wore under my jeans. of course she can't see my bones through a boys long sleeve shirt or a loose t-shirt. i'm telling myself it was just her. i can't be average. i've worked so fucking hard to not be average. yeah, sometimes i give up at night when i'm supposed to be sleeping. but then morning comes&most of the fear melts away. i can see myself in the mirror&i know i have too far to go to just drop it. if i drop it i'll be fat forever. but i'm fighting with myself over it.

i know what i do isn't healthy, but i also know i threw out caring about health a long time ago. when i started cutting, when i started drinking, when i started popping pills, when i started smoking everything smokable, when i shoved my way into the world i find myself in today. so today i can rest easy. i'm not underweight. i'm not ever close. my goal weight will put me underweight for my height. i'll worry then. or better yet, let someone else worry. for now i'll wear an extra shirt to prevent people from putting their fingers between my ribs.i'm still looking for ankle weights.

my tight jeans are on the floor&will remain there until they are loose. my tank tops are only for going under baggy t-shirts. i'll wear socks with my shoes to keep the cuts clean. &i'll take up running again. the blood stains will come out of my shoes. crying is not allowed anymore. slacking isn't allowed, either. this is the part where zette almost gave up. now zette is pissed at herself. so this is the part where zette kicks her ass until she's where she wants to be.

thinspo:

or:

they look young, but again, they're my age. both cheerleaders. only one is thin. the other is in the painfully big group of average people. stay strong today, lovelies, don't settle for average.

xoxo

zette

p.s. emergen-c blue is the best thing ever, &a big thank you to alissa for the crazy long encouraging email i woke up to.

9:42am

feeling a bit better. &holly i can sympathize cause my mother came in with halloween candy last night&i binged. about 400cals worth of candy. i purged. my throat hurts today cause it was already sore. orange juice with  emergen-c for breakfast. dropping down to 700 today. tomorrow i'll be back to my usual 600 a day, plus hopefully i'll be able to work out. for today i'll take surprise for a walk. she loves going to the park&i don't take her out there often enough. when i run at night i only go through my neighborhood which is terribly boring. i say this as if i've run recently. i haven't. damn. i'm not the brightest. oh well. you ladies put up with me&that's impressive. in other news, i'm being called out on my potty mouth lately. i don't type it as much as i say it. boy, people in churches hate me. no joke. i cuss like a sailor. i think even more so when i'm easygoing or in a good mood. when i'm pissed i either hit someone or stay quiet so i don't hit someone. in other words, sometimes i let my temper do its thing, sometimes i hold it back. i get my temper from my dad, i think. i haven't talked to him in quite a while. he wasn't allowed to go to my nephew's funeral&that was in april so i saw him sometime before that. i guess now we know that if someone beats the shit out of me&my family, they don't stay in my life. don't you love learning? blah. feeling better physically but i'm grumpy. i'm rambling again, aren't i? i need somebody here to tell me to shut up. on to the important things.

thinspo:

or:

my age. they look young. anyway, the point is that with just faces&shoulders you can imagine what their bodies look like. if you're planning on attending a formal event, make sure there is someone there fatter than you. if you lose weight, this will be easier. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. not sure why the second thinspo girl is in her undies outside but she looks fantastic.

12:39pm

just finished breakfast. 260cals. fair, since i upped my calories so i'll get better faster. thanks for the tip, merely, i got orange juice this morning. i just know my body&to get better i have to eat. sucks, but it works. the funny thing is that i lost a pound which means that maybe i'm over the plateau? or maybe the pound will be back tomorrow. i guess we'll see. pesky little numbers aren't always predictable, are they? ho-hum. guess i'd better go find some skinny pictures for you. also, in the last post, i should have found a better picture of the reverse girl. one that showed her arms. she does look smaller than she is in that one, i just liked the costumes. one more costume, just because they fascinate me. even though it's verging on slutty.

thinspo:

or:

these girls are my age. i don't think there's much to say, except that i love fat girl sandwich pictures. i don't feel sorry for fatties. it's their choice. they could skip watching an episode of the biggest loser on tv&work out during that time instead. they don't. their problem, my motivation. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. do any of you fidget as much as i do? i'm always tapping my toes or playing with my fingers or jewelry. it annoys people sometimes.

p.s.s. oh S, i missed you.

4:37pm

you know how sometimes when your sick your whole body just hurts to move? yeah. just took two pain pills for my everythingache. started in my head&i hurt all over. a little annoying. my house is cold, as usual. fingertips are getting numb again. i'd rather be cold than fat though. so as much as i complain about freezing, i'm happy to be shrinking...though i seem to have hit a plateau. i've upped my calories to get over this sickness so hopefully that'll push me past it. blah. thanks for the sweet comments&the helpful advice. you ladies are the best. for real. i'm always still a little surprised that anyone would have something to say but still happy you do. caught up on emails for now. talkative little creatures, you are. anyway, on to the important stuff.

thinspo:

or:

halloween. anyone else think the purple crayon looks a bit bigger than the rest? not huge. just bigger. little miss yellow makes me wish i were shorter. hm...we need to teach the rest of the world our rules about matching outfits. one day they will learn. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i think the worst part of being sick is that i can't get any exercise. i took surprise for an hour walk before my head started hurting. back to bed for zette.

12:13pm

sorry ladies. i'm sick. kinda been chillin in bed lately so apologies for the delay. i'm replying to your emails now though.

okay, the holiday we americans take way too seriously-thanksgiving. fuckkk me. the only food i can think of that i'll be able to have is the green beans out of the casserole, turkey, &a little sweet potato. ugh. how are we going to do this? personally, the festivities will be on my uncle's farm, so i'll have 20 or so acres to wander around. i'll bring my surprise, so i'll walk her around most of the day&hang out with my favorite cousin. (remind me to buy boots for surprise, she got stickerburrs in her paws last year&i felt bad.) i'll have small portions when i do eat. i'll write everything down. the 7 days after thanksgiving are going to be hell for me cause i'ma work out like none other. the house will be crowded&noisy so purging won't be a problem, whether in the bathroom or in the woods behind the house. gotta remember to bring two toothbrushes-one to shove down my throat, the other to get my teeth squeaky clean. also, extra mints. hm...i think that's it. please post any tips you have&lemme know how you're going to get through this godawful holiday. those of you outside the u.s., just know that we envy you.

thinspo:

or:

okay, the girl on the left does not belong in skinny jeans. someday i'll go out&buy a pair of skinny jeans&they'll look great. until then, belted baggy jeans it is. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i hate being sick. i can't work out without getting a headache&it's driving me crazy. tootles for now, can't feel my fingertips.

10:07am

apparently this didn't post this morning. oopsy. take two.

what's new? well....i can still only make the violin make dying animal noises. helped out with a canned food drive last night to avoid trick-or-treating. i didn't dress up. didn't have the gumption to finish the robot costume. i watched that movie 'frozen' last night. if you hated the movie 'open water' as much as i did, don't bother seeing this one. it's basically the same storyline except they're on a ski lift&the sharks are replaced with wolves. also looking at all the snow&fake snow made me feel even colder.

saturday i went to first monday trade days, which is kind of like a giant garage sale/flea market. walked the arbors for 2 hours looking for a specific booth. found it right before she closed. got my bag. tried godiva liqueur. visited my uncle. ate a burger. had hot chocolate. purged in his field. got creeped out by the cows watching me. slept for the 2 hour drive home. got home&slept some more. sunday came. i went to church again. almost fell asleep. you know the rest. now i'm up&it's monday&i'm cold. so i'm getting in the shower. skinny of the day. these 3 are the same girl.

thinspo:

or:

i'd like to point out the difference between the girl with the black hair&the girl with the black shirt. ew. assuming her face isn't the lightest part of her, under that shirt is a flabby stomach. stomachs gross me out. one of my fat friends has her belly button pierced&she messed with it&it makes me gag a little. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm in love with my electric blanket. forgot about it. i put it on high when i go to bed&put it on low when i fall asleep so i don't wake up shivering. also, to my fellow america-dwellers, we need to discuss thanksgiving soon....

12:12pm

so this cold feeling is here to stay, i think. my fingers move slowly&my brain lags behind, too. i've got my curtains open so the sun is warming my room. i'm about to jump in the shower. i take long showers. being cold makes me stiff&achy&a long hot shower is amazing. also, got my period for the first time in a while. cramps have already left. they come the day i get it&the day it leaves. kind of like a warning. so it works out fine. what now....oh, duh.

thinspo:

or:

little black dresses are for little girls. pale whales with chin(s)-length haircuts need something with arm&cankle coverage. just saying. i'm off to shower. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. winter is going to kill me. tips on staying warm?