10:04am

officially ignoring the anonymous emails. it's fine that you disagree. you can still send me long emails about how awful a failure i am if it makes you feel better. just know that i won't be reading it. shabam.

so..recent events...well i babysat my niece for 3 hours yesterday. my sister's house is freeeezing. we played a little but then got blankets&watched a movie just so we'd be warm. after that i settled into my room to get some homework done. then my mother's cat was flipping out because she caught a bird. so there were feathers everywhere, which my mother left until this morning. gross. got my brother's christmas present last night. cleaned my room. my kitten won't open her right eye all the way. i'll rinse it with water later, chances are she just got something in it.

it's getting a little colder here. as much as i love running&walking with my dog, my ears get cold&they ache. i'm okay when the rest of me is cold, when the air makes me lungs hurt. but my ears hurt like none other when they get cold. i've tried wearing a hat&hood. they still hurt. it's annoying. just about the only downside to winter. anyone else have this problem?

thinspo:

or:

the bride is darling. her sister behind her is not. be the little sister. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette
p.s. frustrated. someone come tell my mother to be nice.

9:45am

nutcracker. stolen seats. white russian. lies. gossipy car ride. yes, last night was fun. the ballet was beautiful, even with my friend flicking me every time a certain guy came out on stage. she thought it was hilarious that he wasn't tucked in like the other guys were. but i was too busy watching the ladies dance. can i have ballerina arms please? thanks.

thinspo:

or:

gross. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'll need tips for being sneaky with food in colorado.

9:26am

woke up an hour ago. i should be in the kitchen getting something to eat. but my stomach hurts. i can't help but catch my reflection in the mirror in my room&it just makes me feel gross. last night my mother&i went grocery shopping around 10pm. i don't think i got anything healthy. why? because i feel guilty eating high-calorie foods. so they'll last me much longer than healthy food, which i might allow myself to eat every day. i still have some frozen veggies though. sometimes i pour some frozen corn in a bowl&eat it as is. don't judge.

my mother just said, "it's in the 60's. i'm almost hot so how are you cold?" maybe because you weigh over twice what i do, mother. it's supposed to get up to 72 today&it's sunny. but it's windy, too, unfortunately. i meant to ask you little misses if your ears hurt when you're out in the cold? mine ache like none other until i warm them up.

yesterday in starbucks (i sat there for two hours sketching) i saw lots of people. there are six starbucks in my city but that is the busiest one. two girls came in about a half hour apart. they both had long reddish blonde hair, one wavy, one straight, skinnyjeans, &a black tshirt with angel wings on the back. cheers for being original. but they were both way skinny too. they both ordered tea&didn't add anything to it. when skinnies act like skinnies i sometimes wonder about their other habits, too. do you?

thinspo:

or:

well don't wear your pretty little dress next to someone else in a pretty little dress who doesn't have legs the size of canada. silly blonde. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. getting my hair cut like this on my colorado trip. so basically getting layers&having my bangs trimmed.

9:50am

kelly that made my morning a thousand times better. i'd be a terrible bar tender. i'm too grumpy. but i'm glad your drunk eyes saw me.

ellie.....wtf?

tea party yesterday. my sister handed me cookies, i left them in my chair. do you ladies do things like that too? sometimes i find crumbs in my pockets because of food i've hidden. my guy friend once came up behind me&slid his hands in my hoodie pocket. i didn't know how to explain the french fries in there. i don't do that sort of thing often but it happens&only with dry foods. i'm weird. i admit it.

climbing around the playground with my niece was a blast. i took lots of photos on my phone. we climbed everything twice&crawled on the lower parts. surprise was cold though.

thinspo:

or:

michelen man vs. lumberjack skinny. if you don't know what the michelen man is, google it. there really is a resemblance. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my mother is cooking her second breakfast. yes, second. it smells like roadkill&peppers. she wonders why she weighs 250lbs.

10:14am

good morning. my mother has court with my father this morning so hopefully i won't see her much today because that always puts her in the shittiest of moods. since i woke up when she was leaving&i don't eat home alone, i might be fasting today. i like my rules. they plan my diet for me sometimes. umm my 4year old niece is coming over to hang out today. i'm planning on taking her to the park to burn calories..err...play. nothing else is new. except i'm leaving for colorado on the 24th instead of the 25th.

thinspo:

or:

didn't that blonde's mother ever teach her to hang out with people her own size?

stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. going drinking this weekend for the first time in a long time. i miss it. i'm excited.

9:38am

still frustrated. went to a friend's 25th birthday party last night (yes i have friends of all ages.) i got a cup of apple cider&carried it around with me. didn't eat. when my mother arrived i was sitting in the living room with some buddies&she asked me about the food in the kitchen. so i told her i'd already eaten. she left. my friends gave me a funny look. "oh, i ate at home." pretty little lies, keeping me out of trouble.

on the bright side, my throat is feeling better. i'm not sure how long i should go without purging to avoid blood but i'm giving myself two weeks. i'm going running as soon as i post this. then helping my mother get things ready for the recital. then sitting up at starbucks with a book&ipod for a while. fuck the rest of the world. i'm determined to have a good day.

also, six of you promised to email me while i'm gone. thanks, little misses. i'll need it.

thinspo:

or:

don't belt your dress if you don't have a waist worth defining. the skinny needs to work out her arms but besides that she's darling, i think. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. since the drive to colorado will be about 14 hours, i need tips on not getting carsick. please&thank you.

10:41pm

ohhdang. you ladies are pretty great at shooting down anonymous bitches. thanks for that.

i just woke up&i'm frustrated today. i've been avoiding looking at myself. i learned a long time ago to put my makeup on without a mirror, then to check quickly before leaving. i know what my clothes look like. i know that my fat makes all my clothes squeeze me. i know i should just wear my baggy jeans every day. i should go thrift store shopping for bigger sweaters. maybe i can find some at ross. when i see my fingertips tapping keys all i can think is that i have fat fingers. even my wrist bones look big. my arms are flabby beyond belief. my stomach doesn't have that sunken in look today. i shouldn't blame it on all the water i drank. i'm disappointed. when i purged yesterday&the day before all i really got out was spit&blood. since i don't cry anymore, i'll burn as many calories as possible&hope ana chips away at the curvy figure people say i'm 'blessed with'. i hate when people talk about how boys don't like super skinny girls. why the fuck would i keep my body the same way, hating it every day, just so boys will like me? that's pathetic. i'm doing this for me.

thinspo:

or:

i don't understand fat girls who think they're hot. are they buying all that stuff about confidence being beauty? whatever. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else spit blood when you purge?

p.s.s. email me when i go to colorado please: ilovezette@yahoo.com