10:35am

if you need motivation, go to this S's blog.

as soon as i published yesterday's post i wanted to delete it. i hate the way i look in those pictures. all i see is fat. everywhere. layers hiding my ribs, clinging to my back, &adding so many inches to my legs. gross. i do look tan though, i guess. spent half my summer lying by the pool reading in a bikini. i looked fat then, too. i'm feeling sick again today. when i eat, i feel sick. when i don't eat, i feel sick. i had some echinacea tea this morning, cause people around me are getting sick&i don't want to get sick. i'm having a tough enough time keeping myself healthy just cause of what i'm doing. my friend will be here on the 23rd. she's going to think i'm fat. when i say that, i think of that girl who was on dr. phil. but she wasn't fat at all. i am. i'm disgusting. i feel huge. &cold. so..i'm an iceberg then? so i'm good for..nothing. for sinking ships. i'm scenery. something rather than someone. useless useless useless. i don't want to do this anymore. i'm not sad. i'm not happy. just incredibly bothered by what i've become. the funny part? when people say i have an eating disorder, i laugh it off. cause i could stop if i wanted to. right? i mean i think i could. but why would i want to? no, i wouldn't. could but wouldn't. not when i look this bad. thanks for the sweet comments anyway, though.

thinspo:

or:

thin vs. average. anyone can be average. the brunette prolly isn't told she's fat. cause to average people, she is just like them. it takes work to be thin. i'm willing do put in the work. are you? good. shabam. lets do this. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else in love with emergen-c packets?

2:26pm

went running this morning. didn't run long. so i ran again at noon, for only 40 minutes. pathetic. 640 calories yesterday. 1360 less than some normal people eat. but 40 more than i'm supposed to. whatever. i promised pictures today, didn't i? damn. was hoping to put that off for another forever. lets get this over with.

love handles? ew.

if whales had legs, they'd look like that.

why do my arms look so big? nasty.

hugelegshugelegshugelegs.

okay, let's push those images out with some prettier ones.

thinspo:

or:

 well they all look good compared to the girl on the far left. but turquoise has legs i'm jealous of. stay strong today, lovelies, so you can not be a fatass like me.

xoxo
zette

11:03am

hey look, i got up before noon. i get the feeling this will be long so scroll down to the thinspo if you want. i got to see my niece yesterday for a bit. they came over to take my mother to lunch for her birthday. my niece is super cute. i went out to the car to see here&told her to tell mimi happy birthday before she got there. she did. good kid. anyway, my kitten is inside until her face heals up. i forget what a handful she is. one or two of you got spinny's input on a comment this morning cause she keeps walking on the keyboard. got a music book out last night. thinking of teaching myself to read music again. yes, again. my mother taught me piano. but i sucked at it. a friend taught me guitar. i sucked at that, too. i can play both by ear though.i don't know why i brought that up. but while we're on the subject, i sing, too. well, when i'm happy. so not lately. but sometimes.

i don't know what to do with myself. i'm of no use to anyone. i don't fit in anywhere very nicely. i hang out with people my own age&act as immature as they are. it's fun. until it's not. then i hang out with adults&they act like i'm 10. so i hang out with my kitten&my dog. they like me just fine. (this makes me picture shirley temple saying "i'm going home to my mother. she loves me, even if my clothes are old&ugly")

the weather is nice today. sunny but cool. i'll post an update picture tomorrow, mmk? cause i've been getting emails wondering&since i won't tell anybody my weight, i can at least show you guys, right? look forward to lots of blubber.

thinspo:

or:

girl closest to the camera. in the red dress. i'd have worn different shoes, but when someone is that size they can wear whateverthefuck they like. oh brother. i feel huge. stay strong,  lovelies.

xoxo

zette

10:46pm

my posts used to be "am". but now they are "pm". i don't know why i post at night now. but i do. better than not posting at all, i suppose. &i do like waking up to find comments in my email inbox (i get email notifications just in case someone finds my blog&i have to delete it...that way i can still find you guys. yeah, paranoid.) so...i don't have much to say. i'm finding that all i look okay in are hoodies&other oversized things. like the shirt i have on now. it looks like this:

excuse the bedhead. i didn't do much today. not that i ever do much lately. i do leave the house at least once a day&go to the park. i either run or i walk. either way, i'm told sunshine helps with zombieness. (depression seems like a gritty word.) despite my ginormosaurus size i feel small..&cold&useless. like all that hope i had, has been used up&now maybe i can cry. except not...cause crying is stupid. today was okay except surprise's skin is getting worse. it looks like demodectic mange. i hope i'm wrong cause i'm broke. &spinolio came in with a cut on her face. below her nose&above her mouth. it's small. but bloody. i'm tired of playing vet. i'm tired. i want to go to sleep&fall into the coldness that seems to follow me. i'm kind of done. but tomorrow i have things to do. people to hang out with. cheers for a much-practiced fake smile.

thinspo:

or:

again with the matching. school spirit is great, but please don't wear those shorts again, fatass. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

10:48pm

z-"i know. i cut again tonight. stupid stupid stupid."

r-"why?"

z-"just got frustrated."

r-"why so frustrated?"

z-"lost six pounds but gained one as of today."

r-"wow. dude, get over it. not a big deal."

z-"yeah, i know right? really dumb." but it is a big deal. sometimes i'm scared to say anything about my food weirdness to anyone cause then they might wonder why i'm not skinny.

thinspo:

or:

yes the camera is far away but we can still tell you're 40lbs heavier than your friend. suggestion? lose the white t-shirt. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. nightmaresnightmaresnightmares. please tell the children in my dreams to stop growling&chasing me.

9:44pm

"Zette where are you?"

"Hey lady we all miss you."

"zette I hope you're ok."

"Please come back soon. I miss you."

"If you're still alive I could use some advice.."

"I'm selfish. I miss you. Sorry you're having such a hard time. You don't deserve that. *Hugs*"

i know, i know. i suck at this. i've just been a zombie lately. i got sleeping pills so i should start feeling better. but lately when i eat i feel sick. so i can either lean over the toilet let whatever happen, or i can shove my fingers down my throat&make whatever happen faster, or i can drink cold water&lie down&try not to worry. i feel like shit lately. i'm always tired. i don't want to go running. i don't want to babysit. i don't want to walk surprise. i don't want to play with spinolio. i don't want to get dressed&put makeup on&i sure as hell don't want to go anywhere. but i've been doing all those things. cause if i don't, they will worry. &if they worry, they will pry. &if they pry, i might open up, &then i'll be screwed. zombie zette is here. not much good for anything. fail fail fail. anyway................well.........i lost my train of thought. see what i mean?

thinspo:

or:

you can try to hide behind your stupid mum but we can still tell you're huge, blondie. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. my sincerest apologies (i don't give them often) for being a shitty follower. i'm trying to catch up. i just got so so so far behind. blah. but i am trying.

10:09pm

i'm losing weight. not cause i've been good, but cause i can purge like none other. bad bad bad zette. i need to be nicer to my throat. anyway, i'm watching tv. i found a show called 'thintervention with jackie warner'. she seems a bit like an off-brand jillian michaels. (in case you're new, i love jillian michaels. alot. prolly too much.) it's a good show. found a new workout from it. though it looks like a sex position, it works out the back of my thighs. anyway, jackie warner is a bitch. i love it. gotta love bitches. well, some of them. i'm an exception to most people. but that's okay. also i watched the first episode of the biggest loser. one word? gross. but i have to laugh. when someone is that big, their arms&legs look so short. also, my buddy lauren hugged me earlier& told me i got smaller. of course i said "not that i know of, but thanks." but inside i smiled. cheers.

thinspo:

or:

skinniest? check the very left. i'll have those legs. i mean i'm not gonna steal that girl's body parts. but my legs will be that small. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. it's good to back. i missed you guys. catching up on blogs tomorrow, this headache is bloody awful.