10:34am

good morning, kiddies. i'm feeling much better. sore all over&i deserve it. i kinda hate&i kinda like how every time i'm down you guys throw my advice back in my face. i'm always telling you guys not to beat yourself up for binges but what did i do? work out every chance i got. ended up being about 5 hours throughout the day. yeah, i slept well. today i've gotta pack some stuff up to go to b&c's house. they're at a camp thing so i'll be over there to keep their house company&feed their dog. beth was listing the things in the fridge&freezer&pantry&said i could have anything i want. um...i think i'll bring my own food. fruit&veggies&eggs. what was my point....oh well for starters i lost a pound instead of gaining. damn. didn't see that coming.

&i won't be blogging this weekend cause i only blog on my computer. so...you can email me though. what else....oh, wedding tonight. took me forever yesterday to pick out what to wear. finally settled on a grey sweater dress with purple heels&a black blazer. loose enough to hide my fat but not so loose that i look like a trash bag. i'm stoked about staying at their house though. i love it. &the pool is cool so i'll go swimming, maybe burn some extra calories cause of the temperature. someone told me the other day "zette you're going to kill yourself with this goddamn diet." it took everything in me to not say "so?". sometimes i wonder how much i'm willing to sacrifice to be thin. then i remember: everything.

thinspo:

or:

even if all you could see were the faces, you'd be able to tell. fat girls have fat everythings. well except hair. fat girls usually have lovely hair. why? cause they can put lots of makeup on that face but no bronzer can hide multiple chins. stay strong, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. thanks for all your support yesterday. you ladies are the greatest. kelly thanks for saying they'd kick me out. lovelybones i highly doubt they'd ;et you in but i know it can feel like it. blah.

p.s.s. i love this thinspo cause it's still real girl but it just looks so lovely.

3:33pm

whatthefuck? no no no i hadn't binged in so long. fuck. my friend will be here in 16 days. she's going to think i'm huge. why? cause i am huge. fuckfuckfuck. looks like i'ma be a cow for halloween. 1200 calories&it's not even 4pm. seriously? zette=fail.

thinspo:

or:

so maybe she doesn't know what's going on but at least she can stand there looking pretty. the fatasses better know the dance. hopefully they burned some calories.

that's all i got. i don't feel like i have room to bash fatties today since i seem to have signed up for the chub club. stay strong today, lovelies. stronger than me.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'll get around to catching up. eventually. sorry.

1:11pm

okay..so.....last night i had ice cream...&soup....&i went over 600. so i purged. but even when i purge the most i ever subtract in my food journal is 50. i don't want to cheat. i tend to round up when i eat something with no specific calories. like a teaspoon of ice cream that is prolly ten i'll call twenty, etc. went running this morning&if i'd eaten breakfast it would be on the grass at the park. i want to run but i can't&it's so frustrating. kinda got mad at myself for not being able to handle it so i came home&did 200 crunches 500 jumping jacks. gonna keep today around 300cals. just cause i can. i feel huge. &i look huge. that means i'm huge, right??

thinspo:

or:

i love this. the girl in yellow is lovely, though i'd dress her differently. but the girl in athletic shorts is a ginormosaurus. rawr. if you ever see her, run. she looks like she might eat people. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i feel like i'm running out of nice things to say. i'm not a nice person&it's hard to say something positive to all of you. i do mean what i say. just takes me five minutes to think of it.

p.s.s. i'll be gone all day so i'll answer all the emails tonight. i didn't forget.

10:55am

shmood shmoring, ladies. (when V lived with me we said things like that..shmood shmorning, gatorshmade, &shmeshmoderant.) anyhow, intake yesterday was high. 620. oh well. two buttons on my phone aren't working correctly so i'm going to sprint today to see if the can fix it. they might just say it's water damage&send me off. they do that sometimes. hmm.....well, i had ice cream last night around midnight. one teaspoon. i purged, drank 4oz of water&then did 50 crunches. fuck you, ice cream. i win. then i stayed up&did jumping jacks for ten minutes (which is hard for me, without stopping) &then sparring (boxing alone).

i want a punching bag. i'll beg everybody to pull together for christmas for a new camera. my family might actually go for it. they're big on that sort of thing. especially V&her husband. so i'll save up for a punching bag. cause that'd be nice. something to hit when i get pissed off (which is pretty often. shocker, right?)&i'll be burning calories.

in other news i can't seem to run much anymore. i get dizzy quickly&every time a foot hits the pavement i feel as if it's my head hitting it instead. i'm having a hard time accepting this. i want to run 4 miles every morning at 5:30am. but i'll have to cut back, which makes me sad.

fortunately there are tons of other exercises i can do that won't hurt. &i was wondering what kind of music you guys listen to during your workout? i usually put on paramore cause it clears my mind&i lose track of time. but sometimes i put on mangry music like linkin park&three days grace. ho-hum. i've been trying to comment on just about everything. what else...oh, right.

thinspo:

or:

does any other state do homecoming mums? i think they're retarded. &they're expensive. however, fatty could have used one here to hide her size. "hi, i'm blonde. so you should like me even though i'm a pig&don't dress well." oops. putting words in peoples mouths again. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. does anyone else paint their nails more than once a week&sleep with a nightlight? just curious.

p.s.s. isla lynn, thanks for being so awesome.

2:40pm

went grocery shopping last night. got some good stuff&some naughty stuff. all of it easily portioned though. here's what i added the the fridge:

deli meat chicken (okay) one slice is only 13cals

pepperjack cheese (okay) one slice is 60cals

bread (okay) one slize is 70cals

broccoli sprouts mix (good) serving is about 20cals

iceberg lettuce (good) about 10 calories a cup

snow peas (good) 10 pods are 14cals

wheat saltines (okay) 5 crackers is 60cals

tuna (good) half a can is

canned tamales (bad) serving size is 2 tamales which would be 190. i eat half of one, so 50cals

oatmeal cream pies (badbadbad) 170 a cookie, i only eat 1/4 so 45cals

neopolitan ice cream (badbadbad) 1/2 cup is 130cals, i eat a spoonful only so i call it 40cals

italian vinaigrette dressing (good) 2 tbsp is 30cals

capri sun waters (good) 30cals for one

orange juice (good) cup is 120cals but i dilute it.

rice chex cereal (good) 1 cup is 100cals

pretzel sticks (good) about 2 cals each, i carry 25 in a ziploc bag with me.

so not terrible. but not great. i'd much rather get all fruits&veggies&juice&maybe fish. but i need my mother to think i'm normal. &the bad things are bad but they last me a long time. so it's not as if they'll be gone within a week. okay, i'm just trying to make myself feel better. whatever. i have a headache again today. but i'm going running after my brother takes me driving. gotta learn how to drive a standard. blah. thanks tons for all the encouragement. you ladies are great. sorry i seem so cold. i'm not meaning to me. i really do appreciate it. sorry. i'm trying.

thinspo:

or:

little black dress was a good call. the girl on the far left looks great. the others..well...they're just average. average with a pretty face. lazy asses. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i honestly don't understand how i could be an inspiration to anybody. but having 256 followers. damn. when did that happen? i remember being so excited to have 26.

9:27am

i'm shaky. i'm cold. i get dizzy during exercise. my head hurts. my stomach is sore&beginning to reject certain things of the edible variety. i can't think straight all the time. but i'm shrinking. that's all that matters. someday i'll be small, like these girls.

or:

a night out. well...the girl on the left has her shit together, though i'm not sure i approve any of their outfits. still. at least she doesn't look like she eats vehicles for lunch. you can tan all you want, fatass, but we can still see you. i'm doing my best to ignore the balding one. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. i'm not trying to ignore your sweet comments about my update pictures. it's just...nothing is affecting me lately. sorry. you girls are the greatest, though. maybe i'll accept compliments when i reach my goal weight? i don't know.

10:35am

if you need motivation, go to this S's blog.

as soon as i published yesterday's post i wanted to delete it. i hate the way i look in those pictures. all i see is fat. everywhere. layers hiding my ribs, clinging to my back, &adding so many inches to my legs. gross. i do look tan though, i guess. spent half my summer lying by the pool reading in a bikini. i looked fat then, too. i'm feeling sick again today. when i eat, i feel sick. when i don't eat, i feel sick. i had some echinacea tea this morning, cause people around me are getting sick&i don't want to get sick. i'm having a tough enough time keeping myself healthy just cause of what i'm doing. my friend will be here on the 23rd. she's going to think i'm fat. when i say that, i think of that girl who was on dr. phil. but she wasn't fat at all. i am. i'm disgusting. i feel huge. &cold. so..i'm an iceberg then? so i'm good for..nothing. for sinking ships. i'm scenery. something rather than someone. useless useless useless. i don't want to do this anymore. i'm not sad. i'm not happy. just incredibly bothered by what i've become. the funny part? when people say i have an eating disorder, i laugh it off. cause i could stop if i wanted to. right? i mean i think i could. but why would i want to? no, i wouldn't. could but wouldn't. not when i look this bad. thanks for the sweet comments anyway, though.

thinspo:

or:

thin vs. average. anyone can be average. the brunette prolly isn't told she's fat. cause to average people, she is just like them. it takes work to be thin. i'm willing do put in the work. are you? good. shabam. lets do this. stay strong today, lovelies.

xoxo

zette

p.s. anyone else in love with emergen-c packets?